How to Handle the Self-Affirmed

Based on the wisdom of Christian Psychiatrist Conrad Baars

Aug 24, 2026

silhouette photography of woman standing on rock — (Erik Mclean / Unsplash)

In Feeling & Healing Your Emotions, Dr. Conrad Baars explains how crucial it is for us to feel seen, heard, loved and validated as a child. If this gift of affirmation isn’t given to us at the earliest age, chances are we’ll grow up emotionally stunted—either we’ll suppress our emotions, or they will be released in negative and even manipulative ways.

The child’s need for feeling loved is as fundamental as his need for food, air, and shelter. He cannot live if this need is not satisfied. Exist, yes, but not really live as a human being should live. Without this fundamental feeling of being loved by another being, he will continue to crave it. As long as this craving is frustrated, his emotional life cannot develop. By this I mean he cannot develop that part of his emotional life that is primary—his humane emotions which, together with his intuitive mind, determine his happiness and his capacity for making other people truly happy. The other part, however, his assertive emotions, usually develop to excess—too much fear and despair in some, too much energetic striving in others.1

When a child is unaffirmed, they may grow into an adult who still feels like a neglected kid. They may be haunted by chronic loneliness, feeling compelled to agree with and appease others in order to be loved and avoid becoming a burden; or they may become aggressive, overachieving, or perfectionistic.

When an unaffirmed child has a particularly energetic personality (“e.g. a good or superior intelligence, the right connections, lucky breaks, a lot of money, a beautiful body in the case of women, and the like”2), he’ll try to seek affirmation for himself, often through means of power and control over others. Inside he still feels like a small child, confused and grieving from lack of love—but outwardly, his adult self seeks to seize love through force and manipulation.

Being self-affirmed is:

detrimental to a person’s psychic health as well as to that of the people around him. The irony is that the self-affirmed person in our society is less recognized for what he is—a person with emotional illness … He is usually thought of as mature, normal, yes, even above average. His effect on society is negative, if not destructive. He is incapable of affirming others, and frequently will not hesitate to use and manipulate for his own purposes the very persons who love him.3

Baars explains that because his primary caregiver—as well as other people in his life—didn’t affirm his own unique qualities and goodness as a child, the self-affirmed person remained self-focused and afraid of vulnerability, which then leads him to doubt not only his own goodness but the goodness of others—often including God.

If you feel you may be dealing with an a self-affirmed person in your life, here are some things to keep in mind:

The self-affirmed person cannot be affirmed by another. He’s a bottomless well; the more affirmation he receives, the more he not only expects, but the more he demands. When his demands aren’t met, he crumbles: if he has an action-based temperament, he explodes in rage, verbal battle, perhaps even physical violence. If he is of a more internal temperament, covert tactics such as subtle mind games or the silent treatment (withdrawal) ensues. This begins the “discard” stage of the abuse cycle. Remember: We cannot love a person into behaving well. We cannot change another.
The unaffirmed person must find ways to be affirmed not externally, but within his heart; to truly accept himself as God created him, and also to own and confront any and all negative behavior he may have perpetrated upon others. Humility without toxic shame—without falling into shame patterns that then cause him to repress his emotions through external distractions—is the foundation to change.
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How does he do this?

Prayer and recognition. The gifts of the Holy Ghost—wisdom, understanding, counsel, fortitude, knowledge, piety, fear of God—must be particularly prayed for (more on this in a separate article). Only through the grace of God can the unaffirmed individual find personal affirmation. This must first be recognized (wisdom), understood, then pursued with fortitude, piety and awe of the goodness of God (fear of God).
“He must create opportunities and time for plentiful exposure to the immediate sources of nourishment of his ‘heart’: the beauty of nature, pleasurable activities (fishing, playing, swimming, skiing and many others), the arts, philosophy, the Scriptures, meditation, divine contemplation—in short, to all that is good, beautiful and true.”4

This is different from mindless distractions. Engaging in mindless distractions is a form of emotional repression, and is harmful to the soul because it serves as a temporary Band-Aid covering a fatal wound. Engaging in activities that make our souls sing is actively making use of the talents and preferences the Holy Ghost has bestowed upon us; it helps us develop into our true selves.

“By the same token he should avoid exposure to the bad, the ugly, and false, so abundant in our secular, man-centered utilitarian society that recognizes fewer and fewer absolute moral truths and God, and is bored by natural goodness and beauty.”5

Once the unaffirmed person has begun his healing journey and has recognized all his toxic patterns—and seeks to humbly correct them—his heart begins to be open to the affirmation of others. He cannot accept that affirmation until the internal, authentic shift has begun.

It is only at this point that a couple can heal. If the unaffirmed/self-affirmed partner refuses to open and soften his heart, no change will take place within the self, which means no change will occur in relationship with others.

Conrad Baars sums it up:

If one were to approach [the self-affirmed person] with the advice that they need help with their underdeveloped emotional life, they most likely would not know what you were talking about and would tell you to mind your own business. Or, they might tell you it is your problem that you feel unloved by them, even though your love for them is real. They will continue living their lives in the only way they know—striving for fame, power, influence, riches, sexual love—and, if you are not careful, they will not hesitate to manipulate you in the process …
It is only if and when at last self-affirming persons discover that there is nothing but a void at the top of the ladder they have so strenuously climbed, that they may become open to their need for help … it is at that point that the frustrated self-affirming person can help himself by learning to live the affirming life, though by that time he may have his more advanced age against him.6

If you’re interested in learning more about affirmation and self-affirmed people, I recommend Conrad Baars’ Feeling & Healing Your Emotions: A Christian Psychiatrist Shows You How to Grow to Wholeness and Healing the Unaffirmed: Recognizing Emotional Deprivation Disorder, along with Bernard Streisselberger’s book The Affirmed Heart: The Path to Emotional Maturity and Self-Gift, coming soon from Sophia Institute Press.