When There’s Hope of Change

We must not be prisoners of hope—yet in some cases, we need not abandon all hope.

Mar 10, 2026

flat lay photography of purple and red leaves — (Jeremy Thomas / Unsplash)

Is it possible for someone who harbors abusive tendencies to change their attitudes and behaviors in order to become the spouses, parents and people God created them to be?

This is a difficult—and often controversial—topic, so I urge all my subscribers to read carefully, with both an open and guarded heart. As St. Catherine of Siena taught, our hearts should be shaped like a medieval lamp—open at the top and closed at the bottom. In other words, open to receiving God’s wisdom, truth and discernment, and closed to self-delusion, minimization, or clinging to a false sense of hope.

Prisoners of Hope

Before I begin this article, I feel it’s necessary to describe what it’s like to be a “prisoner of hope,” kept in chains to something we desperately hope will happen. This is a unique sort of agony, a tug and pull of our hearts and our rational minds. There’s no resolution to the dilemma as long as we keep clinging to the “what ifs.” These include “What if he changes, what if everything can turn out ok, what if we can eventually be happy …” Those thoughts swirl around the mind like a deafening tornado, drowning out the Christ-centered voice of peace-filled intuition. It creates inner disturbance and chaos that will not be relieved until we radically accept the truth as it is today, in this present moment.

Remaining in an emotionally or physically dangerous relationship is soul-draining. We lose a sense of who we were created to be; the fire in our souls has withered to a mere pilot light. Clinging to a relationship due to a hope of change, yet without seeing any real progress as the years fly away, depletes the self and withers the mind as it continues to be engulfed in the fog of abuse.

There’s no point in continually opening your heart to someone who’s only pretending to change.

(Dr. Craig Malkin, Rethinking Narcissism)

Yet not all relationships are like that. In some situations the abusive partner isn’t purposely being manipulative or controlling. They don’t recognize their actions as harmful because they’re so stuck in blame and projection. But then somehow, by some miracle, a light begins to flicker. This often happens during a time of immense upheaval—such as the illness of a spouse or a marital separation.

Children who grow up without sufficient emotional attunement, without caregivers who consistently reflect and regulate their emotional experiences, often struggle with emotional regulation, empathy, and secure attachment. They are left with a fragmented sense of self that clings to extremes: idolization or devaluation, idealization or rejection.

(Erica Komisar, LCSW, “The Emotional Consequences of Disconnection”)

Unhealthy narcissism is an unconscious attempt to avoid natural vulnerability and to deny inner feelings of shame, inadequacy, insecurity, emptiness, loneliness, or fear. If your partner is able to authentically express some of these emotions, and to admit their inner wounds are standing in the way of wholeness and healing, then there’s hope that positive and permanent changes can be made. It takes hard work, determination, and consistent fortitude. Authentic change also requires a great deal of humility and patience.

A Trinity of Virtues: Humility, Fortitude and Patience

No one will ever change unless they’re willing to uncover their issues, face them without minimization, and acknowledge all the ways these issues have led to relationship rupture. If they can’t move past denial and blame-shifting, the abuse cycle will continue to spin.

Humility

Humility restrains the appetite from aiming at great things against right reason.
(St. Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologiae, II–II, q.161, a.1)

In Summa Theologiae II-II, q.161, a.6, St. Thomas Aquinas breaks down the progressive steps of humility, based on the inspiration of St. Benedict of Nursia.

“Man arrives at humility in two ways. First and chiefly by a gift of grace … The other way is by human effort, whereby he first of all restrains the outward man, and afterwards succeeds in plucking out the inward root.” (II-II, q.161, a.6)

Aquinas begins by describing the inward stirrings of humility, which require that an individual acknowledges their own limitations and weaknesses rather than perceiving themselves independent of God. In the words of St. Catherine of Siena, “I am she who is not; God is the One Who Is.” St. Thomas sums it up quite concisely: “Humility has essentially to do with the appetite, in so far as a man restrains the impetuosity of his soul, from tending inordinately to great things: yet its rule is in the cognitive faculty, in that we should not deem ourselves to be above what we are.”

If a person doesn’t surrender themselves completely to God then true humility cannot be gained.

Thomas Aquinas also notes other essential attributes to humility:

Not following one’s own will, but following the will of God in all things.
Regulating the will according to God rather than a perceived notion of self.
Not being deterred from doing God’s will even in the face of difficulties and hardships.
Acknowledging and admitting shortcomings.
Putting others before oneself in a healthy, not self-destructive, way.
Moderation in speech.
Restraining haughty looks.
Restraining laughter at the expense of others

In order for someone to truly be humble, they have to have a “knowledge of one’s own deficiency,” then fully admit and confess that deficiency, “that not merely one simply assert one’s failing, but that one convince another of it.”

Fortitude

Fortitude denotes firmness of mind in enduring dangers and difficulties … Endurance is more difficult than aggression.
(St. Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologiae, II-II, q.123, a.2 and a.6)

Changing takes strength and courage. As Flannery O’Connor points out, “All human nature vigorously resists grace because grace changes us and the change is painful.” Yet the desire to avoid the pain of changing is what keeps people stuck in their toxic behaviors and attitudes. Gathering the fortitude to face one’s shame, fear, and the ways in which change is necessary requires strength of character and determination to continue the battle without giving up. As with humility—and all virtues—this takes a special grace from God coupled with human effort.

According to St. Thomas Aquinas, fortitude is “a certain firmness of mind … in the face of assaults of all kinds.” He then goes on to quote Cicero: “Fortitude is deliberate facing of dangers and bearing of toils.” He also notes that “endurance implies length of time,” which leads us to patience.

Patience

Patience is a virtue whereby a man bears evil without being disturbed by sorrow … Patience safeguards the mind from being overcome by sorrow.
(St. Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologiae, II-II, q.136, a.1)

In order for true change to take place, there must be unyielding patience as the slow process of healing unfolds. The person in need of a character overhaul has to be patient with themselves as they endure the hardships of change, and also patient with their partner. In fact, this is a true sign of authentic change: if your partner maintains empathy and patience no matter how long it takes you to heal—without rushing or pressuring you—then true change is blooming. Pressure for premature intimacy, for example, are signs that change isn’t taking place. No matter how long it takes you to feel safe enough to be intimate with your spouse—whether it’s months or years—you should never be pressured or guilt-tripped into allowing yourself to be vulnerable again until the time is right.

“Patience is said to have a perfect work in bearing hardships: for these give rise first to sorrow, which is moderated by patience; secondly, to anger, which is moderated by humility; thirdly, to hatred, which charity removes; fourthly, to unjust injury, which justice forbids.”

(St. Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologiae, II-II, q.136, a.2)

If patience is lacking, change is lacking.

When a heart is open to the grace of God, humbly submitting to His wisdom and will, it will soften according to grace and Divine Mercy. In such hearts—no longer hardened by the egoism of self and the narrow vision created by unhealed wounds—change can truly take place. It takes a willing spirit, a strong desire, extreme humility, unyielding fortitude and undeterred patience. Yet it can be done.

In the words of a husband who had the fortitude, humility and patience to face his inner wounds and renounce all past abusive behaviors: “When allowing myself to be a victim of my past, I was making the decision to hurt and abuse my wife; I can acknowledge that now.” When asked what had finally removed the scales from his eyes he responded, “Because now there’s no more denying God’s love for me, and there’s no more denying my wife’s love for me. Everything else just washes away. That’s what’s happening right now—finally. But I just need to keep myself in check. Like my therapist says, ‘Check in with yourself, every day.’ And keep on doing it.”

Change isn’t easy, nor is it pretty. It’s hard, courageous work—work that will always be rewarded a hundredfold. Despite what the secular world may say, transforming from a vicious to a virtuous person is possible, as long as Christ—and the holy virtues—are put in their proper and primary place.