Pain versus Suffering: How to Decrease Suffering by Acknowledging Pain
When we are in the swirling storm of emotional suffering, we can either adopt ways of thinking and acting that increase our distress or foster ways of thinking and acting that will reduce the likelihood that we will contribute more pain to an already difficult situation.
(Dr. Matthew Breuninger, Finding Freedom in Christ, xiii)
We’ve all suffered in this fallen world, but the amount of suffering we endure depends upon how much we fight our pain versus how much we accept it.
Accepting pain doesn’t mean we have to permit abuse, manipulation, or any other sort of personal injustice, as if it’s our “cross to bear” and there’s nothing we can (or should) do about it. Rather, radically accepting our difficult and even traumatic situations means facing them head-on without falling into the trap of avoidance, minimization, or despair.
For more on how to prevent despair, read my article “Avoiding the Trap of Discouragement.”
Trying to avoid or minimize our pain as a way of attempting to establish a sense of safety accomplishes the opposite. We can only stuff our emotions for a limited time—sooner or later they have to be released, and if they’ve been repressed for too long they’ll come out in a torrential tirade, the pressure having been built up to intolerable proportions.
We sometimes try to quiet our pain because it feels too heavy to carry, too sharp to look at directly. In the moment, turning away can seem like mercy. We may try shrink the suffering into a somewhat manageable portion, convincing ourselves it’s not a big deal, or it doesn’t hurt very much. This minimization can seem like the only way to endure, yet pain that’s neglected will never heal; instead it lingers, quietly deepening until it’s brought into the light.
At some point all avoidance techniques fail—we have to face our situation head-on. When we’re finally able to move through our pain rather than trying to avoid or minimize it, the suffering may initially feel overwhelming, but it’s in this space that healing truly begins.
If someone breaks their leg, they can’t ignore the injury or minimize its intensity by trying to walk as usual. They need to accept the injury, allow themselves to be treated by a medical professional, then endure the pain as the break heals and the discomfort subsides. If they put pressure on the injury before the break has completely mended, they’ll cause themselves greater and prolonged suffering.
Radical Acceptance
One of the most important Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skills—one I teach in the CHRIST Program at Hope’s Garden—is that of radical acceptance.
“Radical acceptance rests on letting go of the illusion of control and a willingness to notice and accept things as they are right now, without judging.”
(Marsha Linehan, founder of DBT)
Radical acceptance means we fully accept reality as it currently is in the present moment, without judgment or wishing things were different. If we mull over thoughts such as, “This never should have happened,” or “Why me?” the nervous system remains in fight, flight or freeze mode and cannot heal. However, when we immerse ourselves in radical acceptance with thoughts such as, “It did happen, and I’m surviving. I don’t like it, but now I can figure out my options,” the body can begin shifting toward regulation and reintegration.
Remember: radical acceptance doesn’t mean we have to approve of what’s happening, nor does it mean we have to like it. In fact, pouring out our anguish in an honest prayer can be very powerful, as in Psalm 142:
With my voice I cry out to the LORD; with my voice I plead for mercy to the LORD. I pour out my complaint before Him; I tell my trouble before Him. When my spirit faints within me, You know my way! In the path where I walk they have hidden a trap for me … no one cares for my soul. I cry to you, O LORD; I say, ‘You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.’ Attend to my cry; for I am brought very low! Deliver me from my persecutors, for they are too strong for me! Bring me out of prison, that I may give thanks to Your name! The righteous will surround me, for You will deal bountifully with me.
Making excuses for harmful behavior isn’t radical acceptance, nor is accepting situations that should never be tolerated. Instead, we’re accepting things as they are in the moment, which gives us the freedom to move into a space of empowerment—once we accept what is, we can decide what’s within our power to change. This may cause sadness, but being afraid of sadness blocks the ability to accept, which ends up increasing our suffering. When we radically accept a situation, we become grounded in the peace of Christ, even if turmoil continues to swirl around us. Without the knowledge—and acceptance—of the truth about any given situation, we’re held prisoner. We’ve relinquished our freedom.
