When we are in the swirling storm of emotional suffering, we can either adopt ways of thinking and acting that increase our distress or foster ways of thinking and acting that will reduce the likelihood that we will contribute more pain to an already difficult situation.
(Dr. Matthew Breuninger, Finding Freedom in Christ, xiii)
We’ve all suffered in this fallen world, but the amount of suffering we endure depends upon how much we fight our pain versus how much we accept it.
Accepting pain doesn’t mean we have to permit abuse, manipulation, or any other sort of personal injustice, as if it’s our “cross to bear” and there’s nothing we can (or should) do about it. Rather, radically accepting our difficult and even traumatic situations means facing them head-on without falling into the trap of avoidance, minimization, or despair.
For more on how to prevent despair, read my article “Avoiding the Trap of Discouragement.”
Trying to avoid or minimize our pain as a way of attempting to establish a sense of safety accomplishes the opposite. We can only stuff our emotions for a limited time—sooner or later they have to be released, and if they’ve been repressed for too long they’ll come out in a torrential tirade, the pressure having been built up to intolerable proportions.
We sometimes try to quiet our pain because it feels too heavy to carry, too sharp to look at directly. In the moment, turning away can seem like mercy. We may try shrink the suffering into a somewhat manageable portion, convincing ourselves it’s not a big deal, or it doesn’t hurt very much. This minimization can seem like the only way to endure, yet pain that’s neglected will never heal; instead it lingers, quietly deepening until it’s brought into the light.
At some point all avoidance techniques fail—we have to face our situation head-on. When we’re finally able to move through our pain rather than trying to avoid or minimize it, the suffering may initially feel overwhelming, but it’s in this space that healing truly begins.
If someone breaks their leg, they can’t ignore the injury or minimize its intensity by trying to walk as usual. They need to accept the injury, allow themselves to be treated by a medical professional, then endure the pain as the break heals and the discomfort subsides. If they put pressure on the injury before the break has completely mended, they’ll cause themselves greater and prolonged suffering.
Radical Acceptance
One of the most important Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skills—one I teach in the CHRIST Program at Hope’s Garden—is that of radical acceptance.
“Radical acceptance rests on letting go of the illusion of control and a willingness to notice and accept things as they are right now, without judging.”
(Marsha Linehan, founder of DBT)
Radical acceptance means we fully accept reality as it currently is in the present moment, without judgment or wishing things were different. If we mull over thoughts such as, “This never should have happened,” or “Why me?” the nervous system remains in fight, flight or freeze mode and cannot heal. However, when we immerse ourselves in radical acceptance with thoughts such as, “It did happen, and I’m surviving. I don’t like it, but now I can figure out my options,” the body can begin shifting toward regulation and reintegration.
Remember: radical acceptance doesn’t mean we have to approve of what’s happening, nor does it mean we have to like it. In fact, pouring out our anguish in an honest prayer can be very powerful, as in Psalm 142:
With my voice I cry out to the LORD; with my voice I plead for mercy to the LORD. I pour out my complaint before Him; I tell my trouble before Him. When my spirit faints within me, You know my way! In the path where I walk they have hidden a trap for me … no one cares for my soul. I cry to you, O LORD; I say, ‘You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.’ Attend to my cry; for I am brought very low! Deliver me from my persecutors, for they are too strong for me! Bring me out of prison, that I may give thanks to Your name! The righteous will surround me, for You will deal bountifully with me.
Making excuses for harmful behavior isn’t radical acceptance, nor is accepting situations that should never be tolerated. Instead, we’re accepting things as they are in the moment, which gives us the freedom to move into a space of empowerment—once we accept what is, we can decide what’s within our power to change. This may cause sadness, but being afraid of sadness blocks the ability to accept, which ends up increasing our suffering. When we radically accept a situation, we become grounded in the peace of Christ, even if turmoil continues to swirl around us. Without the knowledge—and acceptance—of the truth about any given situation, we’re held prisoner. We’ve relinquished our freedom.
His ability to discover the truth gives man the possibility of self-determination, of deciding for himself the character and direction of his own actions, and that is what freedom means.
(St. Pope John Paul II, Love and Responsibility, “The Problem of Integrating Love”)
The drive to stop pain no matter the cost is the opposite of freedom.
(Marsha Linehan)
Patience is the key to radical acceptance. As St. Catherine of Siena wrote to the parish priest of Asciano in 1376:
I have never seen a single burden relieved by impatience. In fact, impatience increases the burden because things are as burdensome as our will makes them. So get rid of your selfish self-will and clothe yourself in the gentle will of God, and the burden will be relieved!
In other words, radically accepting our situations leads to the freedom and peace of living within God’s will.
But …
God’s Permissive Will and Suffering
But why does God allow bad things to happen to good people? That classic question has been asked since the beginning of time—and answered for just as long. God has given us free will, to use or misuse as we wish. If we didn’t have free will, we’d be animals living on instinct alone, without the ability to experience deep emotions or to give—and receive—love.
Yet people often use their free will for nefarious purposes, and their evil actions end up infecting others. St. Catherine of Siena made this point by comparing the soul to a vineyard:
You know that Eternal Truth created us in His own image and likeness. He made us as His vineyard, where He wants to dwell by grace if it pleases the worker of this vineyard [our free will] to cultivate it rightly and well. For if it were not well cultivated but were overrun with thorns and brambles, it would not be a pleasure to live there … Eternal Truth has put another vineyard next to this one, our neighbors’ vineyard … But every one is joined to their neighbors’ vineyards without any dividing lines. They are so joined together, in fact, that you cannot do good or evil for yourself without doing the same for your neighbors.
(Letter T321 and Dialogue 24)
The negative actions and behaviors of others infect our own vineyards, causing us pain. God permits this for one reason: that we may be made holy (1 Thess. 4:3). In the words of St. Catherine, “God’s eternal will wants only our good, and that we be made holy in Him. This is why God gives these things.” In Letter T272 to her spiritual director, Raimondo da Capua, St. Catherine wrote, speaking of herself in the third person:
She saw in the abyss of God’s charity that He was supreme Eternal Goodness, and how for love alone He had created all people and redeemed them with the Blood of His Son. And with this very same love He has given whatever He has given, difficulties as well as consolation. Everything is given for love and to provide for our salvation, and for no other reason.
God, in His supreme wisdom and love, uses pain for our own good as well as the good of others—if we face our wounds, make any appropriate changes (such as seeking to avoid useless suffering), and allow His healing touch to fill our souls.
Just as misuse of our free will infects our neighbors vineyard with weeds and insects, so do our virtues and good works help fertilize our neighbors’ vineyards. When we allow our trauma to be used for the greater good—in whatever way God desires, in accordance with the talents and graces He has graciously bestowed upon us—we nourish our neighbors’ vineyards. When we allow our suffering to be used according to God’s good will, we relieve not only our own pain, but the pain of others.
Sometimes we avoid our wounds rather than radically accepting our situation because there seems to be no solution to our problem. If there’s no solution, why face the pain? Why not just become numb and get on with life?
But that’s not what God wants for us. As I’m often reminding my clients, God doesn’t want us to merely survive in this world—He longs for us to thrive.
God doesn’t want us to merely survive. He longs for us to thrive.
Thriving means facing our wounds, even if—in the present moment—we can’t imagine a way out. Radical acceptance brings us the relief to have faith that we don’t have know in any given moment how God will lead us to resolution and wholeness. It’s enough to know—with our hearts, not merely our heads—that He does indeed have a magnificent plan for each and every one of us.
‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ says the LORD, ‘plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will hear you. You will seek Me and find Me; when you seek Me with all your heart, I will be found by you, says the LORD, and I will restore your fortunes.’
(Jer. 29:11-14)
And so our good Lord answered to all the questions and doubts which I could raise, saying most comfortingly in this fashion: ‘I will make all things well, I shall make all things well, I may make all things well and I can make all things well; and you will see that yourself, that all things will be well …’ I understood this in two ways: One is that I am well content that I do not know it; and the other is that I am glad and joyful because I shall know it. It is God’s will that we should know in general that all will be well, but it is not God’s will that we should know it now except as it applies to us for the present.
(Julian of Norwich, Showings XV)
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Thank you!!! This is really helpful! I especially found the quotes from Catherine of Siena,especially her first quote, and the quote of Julian of Norwich to be helpful!!!