Using vs. Loving: What it Takes to Truly Love Another

And what to do if you can't find authentic love in your relationship

(eatRICEtoday / Painting by Kim, Yong Cheol / Flickr)

Opposite:

(1)  set over against something that is at the other end or side of an intervening line or space

(2) occupying an opposing and often antagonistic position

(3) contrary to one another or to a thing specified : REVERSE

(Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

We’re all familiar with opposites—black and white, good and evil, clean and dirty. Some opposites are easy to spot, while others are more nuanced. Before reading further, pause a moment and reflect: how would you define the opposite of love?

I realize there are many aspects to that question, since in English we use the word “love” for a variety of feelings. For example, “I love the ocean” is far different from “I love my friend,” “I love my children,” or “I love my spouse.” Even so, when talking about human relationships, what is the word or phrase that best describes the opposite of love?

I recently ran a poll to ask others their opinion and received an array of thought-provoking answers, such as:

• Fear

• Detachment

• Selfishness

• Indifference

• Hate

• Wanting the worst for another

• Not caring

• Not protecting

• Lust

• Apathy

• Disdain

• Disrespect

• Contempt

• Repulsion

These are all excellent answers, and they’re all true—to a point. But in my opinion, what captures all these other opposites in one single yet provocative word is:

Using

In other words, using another person for one’s own benefit or gain without care, empathy, love or responsibility.

In St. Pope John Paul II’s seminal work, Love and Responsibility, he states:

“A person’s rightful due is to be treated as an object of love, not as an object for use … using a person as a means to an end would conflict with justice ... Anyone who treats a person as the means to an end does violence to the very essence of the other, to what constitutes its natural right ... we must never treat a person as the means to an end." 

In terms of abusive situations in which narcissistic characteristics are the driving force of the relationship, St. Pope John Paul’s definition of “using” can be a synonym for “narcissistic supply.”

Narcissistic supply:

the emotional and psychological food someone with narcissistic tendencies requires in order to maintain their inner dialogue to fuel and puff up their sense of personal worth, greatness, or value.

Is There Room for Authentic Love in an Abusive Relationship?

In Love and Responsibility, St. JP II states:

“Anyone who treats a person as the means to an end does violence to the very essence of the other, to what constitutes its natural right … we must never treat a person as the means to an end.”

In a relationship where one partner displays a high level of narcissistic tendencies, using their partner rather than truly loving them is sadly part of the emotional dynamic.

“Love” tends to be a competition: a competition to be sure the ego-centered partner always comes out on top.

Some signs that you may be used in your relationship as an object of emotional supply include:

• In conversations, you’re talked at rather than to or with—in other words, your partner dominates the conversation while you’re not “allowed” or able to contribute your opinion, thoughts, or comments.

• Your partner requires unbalanced and too-frequent praise, appreciation, awe, or admiration—and if you don’t comply, you pay the price.

• Low self-esteem that results in a victim mentality—which morphs into an excuse for toxic behavior—dominates your partner’s personality, and he expects you to rescue him or assuage his feelings of unworthiness—as if you, not Jesus Christ, are his savior.

• Being the center of attention is crucial to your partner—and he’ll belittle or criticize you, even in front of others, to maintain his image and his place on center stage.

• You’ve been taken advantage of emotionally, spiritually, sexually, or financially.

These are all signs of “use” rather than love, yet there are many more. Even so, I think this basic recap gives you an idea of what objectification verses love feels like.

How Can You Stop the Cycle?

First, recognize what’s going on. Are you able to reasonably talk with your partner about the issue, or do you get blamed, shut down, or further abused? If healthy and normal communication is simply not possible, setting firm boundaries around any continued behavior is essential.

• Define what you will accept in your relationship, and what you won’t. If you’re treated in any way that defies your boundaries, set clear goals on what the consequences will be—and stick to those consequences. This is a matter of self-care, not limit setting. Boundaries are essential to all healthy relationships.

• Disengage with the behavior by not allowing yourself to be used any longer, to the best of your ability given your personal situation. For example, you could make use of the grey rock method (respond only with brief, boring answers--“yes,” “no,” “okay,” “if that’s your opinion,” etc.—and if possible, don’t engage at all). However, be warned: if you cut off a self-focused person’s source of supply, it can lead to “narcissistic injury,” which in turn can cause more chaos. Being warned can help you be prepared, which strengthens your inner self against potential future attacks. (As always, if you’re in physical danger, please seek professional and local help.)

Are You Looking for Further Help and Healing?

If you’re a woman seeking Christ-centered support, healing courses, intercessory prayer times with others, and so much more, you could pray about joining the Hope’s Garden community. If you’re a man seeking the same, Men of Hope is the place for you. Please feel free to contact me with any questions you might have about either community. I’m here for you—don’t hesitate to reach out!

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