Understanding the Wounds of Intimate Partner Betrayal
Sexual betrayal is common in abusive relationships. Although not all betraying partners are chronically abusive (even though they use abusive tactics to cover their acting-out behaviors), the majority of abusive partners are also sexually unfaithful. In today’s hyper-sexualized world, where indecent behaviors are accepted as “normal,” we need to set the basic foundation on what infidelity is.
What is Marital Infidelity?
Obviously a physical affair constitutes adultery, but being unfaithful in a marriage goes far beyond that. Pornography use, masturbation, emotional affairs, intimacy anorexia, marital rape, sexual coercion, and looking at someone in a lustful way are all forms of infidelity—and all cause deep betrayal wounds.
“Adultery is the reduction of another human being to a thing. When a married person thinks of the other as an object (lustful look) or uses the spouse in an act, e.g., forced intercourse, that person is committing ‘adultery’ … Since a gift ceases to be a gift when it is the result of compulsion, lust makes the self-surrender, the gift of one spouse to the other, impossible. When lust dominates one of the spouses, the mutual, selfless, free giving necessary to the expression of the communion of persons is missing.”
(Fr. Richard M. Hogan and Fr. John M. LeVoir, Covenant of Love: Pope John Paul II on Sexuality, Marriage, and Family in the Modern World)
“You have heard it said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
(Matt. 5:27-28)
Intimate Partner Betrayal
Intimate partner betrayal is a trauma that rejects the personal dignity of the betrayed partner in favor of a self-focused desire for gratification. Despite how it seems, that gratification isn’t a physical need within the betrayer. In truth, the person who uses sexual affairs, fantasies, pornography, masturbation or other forms of infidelity do so because of a core wound within themselves. Rather than facing the wound and seeking healing, they attempt to fill it with toxic externals.
Rather than filling themselves with Christ, they fill themselves with even more wounds—and they gravely injure those they love in the process.
Sexual betrayal—like abuse—causes the betrayed partner to experience a profound loss of safety, coupled with an annihilation of trust. This destruction of trust is like a noxious weed that spreads itself across a once-fertile garden, invading other areas of life. Not only is trust in your partner destroyed, but often trust in self and even in God, as well.
Many betrayed partners feel they’re to blame for their spouse’s infidelity, at least on some level. “If I was prettier / thinner / more sexually attentive / a nicer person …” etc. These are all phrases that can creep into the mind—and the heart.
It’s important to remember that your spouse’s acting out was never about you. You’re not in control of your husband’s addiction, just as you’re not in control of his healing.
But you are in full control of your own healing.
In the early stages of betrayal trauma—soon after “D-day,” the day of initial discovery—cognitive dissonance sets in. This is a sense of unreality as your mind struggles to grasp two contradictory beliefs at the same time.
You can begin the healing journey by asking the Lord for the grace to see the truth in its fullness, and then trusting your God-given intuition about the situation.
“And as Jesus passed on from there, two blind men followed Him, crying aloud, ‘Have mercy on us, Son of David. When He entered the house, the blind men came to Him, and Jesus said to them, ‘Do you believe that I am able to do this?’ They said to Him, ‘Yes, Lord.’ Then He touched their eyes, saying, ‘According to your faith be it done to you.’ And their eyes were opened.”
(Matt. 9:27-30)
The need to ignore the betrayal and pretend all is well is a desperate effort to maintain a sense of safety. Psychologist and researcher Jennifer Freyd calls this “betrayal blindness.”
“If the person who has betrayed us is someone we need to continue interacting with despite the betrayal, then it is not to our advantage to respond to the betrayal in the normal way [by removing ourselves from the situation]. Instead, we essentially need to ignore the betrayal.”
Yet in the end, this survival mechanism backfires.
Some beliefs that create cognitive dissonance and encourage betrayal blindness include:
He would never do anything like that vs. I have proof that he’s guilty of betraying me.
The relationship is often very good / loving vs. I feel used, lonely and miserable
I would never tolerate abuse or infidelity vs. I haven’t left the relationship or set firm boundaries about future behaviors
Violated Trust
Attachment bonds are a natural result of any intimate relationship. In a healthy relationship, an intimate bond helps us feel safe and reassures us that we’re seen, heard, and unconditionally cherished. In an unhealthy relationship where dynamics of power, coercive control, and intermittent reinforcement are present, the attachment that forms is a trauma bond rather than a bond of mutual self-giving.
Either way, the bond feels real—and it’s excruciating when there’s a violation. Since intimate partner bonds aren’t merely emotional but also impact our biological systems, our bodies are flooded with stress hormones when betrayal is discovered.
This can be compared to a sudden and traumatic death—and in a very real way, it is. Grieving is a natural part of the healing process—and one that can’t be avoided.
When we allow ourselves to grieve, we allow ourselves to heal.
Grieving a death isn’t simple, easy, or quick. The five stages of grief described by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross are just as pertinent in an emotional/relational death as they are in a physical death:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
In future articles I’ll go into more detail on how these stages apply to relationship loss due to betrayal and abuse. Describing ways they show up, how to understand and process them, and the reasons why these stages aren’t linear are all topics I’ll cover. For this article, I want to close with a brief overview of how to heal:
First, foremost and center, bring Christ into your situation. Not only has He experienced immense betrayal, but He’s there with you in your experience, counting your tears and holding you in His healing embrace (Ps. 56:8). For more, read my article, “Healing After Trauma: Awakening to God’s Call.”
Cultivating an authentic love of self means learning see yourself as our Jesus, our Divine Bridegroom, sees you. In the Song of Songs Jesus exclaims in a rush of pure intimacy, “How beautiful you are, My love, how beautiful you are! You are wholly beautiful, My love, and without blemish” (Song of Songs 4:1,7). This is how Christ sees you! Let yourself be loved—by the One who is pure Love.
Don’t blame yourself for your partner’s betrayal. You can’t control another person, nor can you heal his wounds. God is the only one who heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (Ps. 147:3)—if we let Him (Song of Songs 1:2).
Practice self-care rather than self-destructive coping behaviors. It’s easy to want to forget about your pain through numbing-out activities such as doom scrolling, drinking alcohol, bing-watching TV, or other distracting behaviors, but those aren’t permanent solutions. If you need a break, watching TV or having a glass of wine with healthy friends can be rewarding diversions—in moderation. Don’t use behaviors to avoid dealing with your injuries, because that will cause the underlying pain and emptiness to increase.
Focus on you: your interests and passions, the things you need to not merely survive, but to thrive.
Set firm boundaries. Make the boundaries clear to your partner, and follow through with the necessary consequences if the boundaries are violated.
Keep a journal, or express your feelings through therapeutic art. Expressing your emotions creatively can help you understand and process them on a deeper level.
Take care of yourself physically. Eat nutritious whole foods rather than processed foods, get enough sleep, and exercise regularly. These self-care activities can help stabilize your mood and thoughts.
Slowly, learn to trust again—but that’s a topic for another article.
Prayer:
Jesus, my eyes have been blinded. I haven’t seen the truth—and maybe I haven’t wanted to see the truth. But now I do, with You. Now I want healing. Please remove the blindness from my eyes, and help me to cope with the pain of the new light You will bring me as I seek Your healing graces and Divine Mercy. In Your most holy name I pray. Amen.
From now through October—Domestic Violence Awareness month—you can purchase my book, Don’t Plant Your Seeds Among Thorns: A Catholic’s Guide to Recognizing and Healing from Domestic Abuse, for a sale price of $17.95 and free shipping!
Thank you! I needed this.
Excellent! Loved the prayer, A great prayer!!!