The Contagious Nature of Shame
"All that we do ... is done in response to love and shame competing for our attention." (Dr. Curt Thompson)
Shame is an inner awareness of our brokenness and sin—or our assumed brokenness and sin. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, and healthy shame is useful because it can steer us toward repentance. Healthy shame guides us into being better people, yet the flip side—toxic shame—does just the opposite. Unwarranted and festering shame prevents relationships from developing because it convinces us of the lie that somehow we’re inherently bad, flawed, unlovable, and abhorrent.
Shame is a primary issue common to all of us, a core wounding “from the beginning”(Gen. 3:7), so it must be explored thoroughly. In Theology of the Body (TOB 11:4) St. John Paul II calls shame the “boundary experience” because our first parents broke the original covenant with God—a covenant to love and cherish Him as much as He loves and cherishes us. Faithfulness and fidelity were broken. The boundary between self and selfishness was breached, as was the boundary between original purity and that of shame and concupiscence. “Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves aprons” (Gen. 3:7). It was then that our original parents viewed the human body in terms of shame—using someone as a means of gratification rather than loving them.
Shame infiltrates the innermost self of individuals who abuse their loved ones, as well as the innermost self of those who has been betrayed. Both sides need to be explored, but in this article, my focus is on a simple yet naked fact: Shame is contagious.
How so? How do we “catch” someone else's shame?
When abuse and betrayal are present in a relationship, projection is a key component of the manipulation. The betraying partner cannot tolerate the feeling of shame and the inherent pain they’re consumed with, nor can they allow the inner chaos of conflicting emotion caused by their shame to surface. Because of this battling inner dynamic they have to shift their unsettling feelings onto another.
This serves a dual purpose—it keeps them from admitting their own shame, while at the same time gives them a much-needed sense of control and superiority.
Note: I'm often asked if the actions and motivations of a betraying partner are conscious. That’s a question I can’t answer, because it would require me to get inside the heads of each and every individual who uses manipulating tactics within their relationship. When we get right down to it, though, the simplest answer is, “it doesn't matter.” Abuse is abuse, whether conscious or not—and it should never be considered acceptable.
If a betraying partner can successfully project their actions onto their spouse, then they can avoid feeling guilty for the things they do. For example, if he’s secretly watching porn, his feelings of shame can be deflected by accusing his wife of infidelity. By replacing the shame threatening to bubble to the surface with outrage at his wife's supposed transgression, he can avoid the pain and inner conflict created by his actions.
This is twisted, I realize. A person isn’t likely mapping out this strategy in a conscious way, because to do so would mean admitting his shame—something he won't do. Instead, it's a distorted mechanism of avoidance. Yet avoiding the pain only causes it to grow stronger, which then requires increased methods of manipulation to avoid the increasing shame. That’s one of the reasons abuse tends to grow in frequency and severity as time passes.
Why should the betrayed partner feel shame for something she didn’t do? False accusations shouldn’t cause shame, and initially they may not. The first reaction to a false accusations is often anger and outrage, with a desire to JADE—Justify, Argue, Defend, and Explain.
However, that rarely works. Instead, the betraying partner will use the tactics of circular talk and word salad to jumble the conversation and confuse the target.
This confusion sows seeds of doubt within the betrayed partner. Using our example of a false accusation of infidelity, after a crazy-making go-around of gaslighting circular talk, she may begin to ponder such doubts as “well, maybe I did act to flirty but didn't realize it” or “perhaps I did say something inappropriate.” She then begins to feel guilty for her assumed actions—guilty, and ashamed. Quite often she feels ashamed not only for the supposed transgression that has now been falsely planted within her, but for being so “stupid” for acting that way and not even realizing it.
This is how gaslighting messes with the brain.
A betrayed partner can also feel shame for being deceived by her partner in the first place, wondering within herself “how could I have been so blind to his behavior,” “how could I have been so fooled,” “why didn’t I see this earlier” and other thoughts of self-doubt.
I'll write more about that in a future article.
“Unhealthy shame is based in identity lies that distort the truth of who we are. These identity lies block our capacity to give and receive love, which inevitably leads to further disintegration … Toxic shame keeps us in hiding. It isolates us, fragments, us internally thwarts our creativity, and leaves un in constant fear of being condemned.”
(Bob Schuchts, Be Restored)
Toxic shame causes us to hide from our true selves, to refuse to face who we were created to be out of fear that our true selves will be revealed as irredeemable.
Yet …
“If you are what you are meant to be, you will light a fire in all the world!”
(St. Catherine of Siena)
We need to truly believe that.
When we regain our sense of self, when we see the shame lies for what they truly are—lies—we can begin to return to who we are meant to be. In future articles I’ll write more on the topic of shame—both in the betraying partner and the betrayed partner—and how wholeness and healing can be restored. That which has become disintegrated can be reintegrated through the healing fragrance of Christ’s gentle touch.
In closing, I’d like to repeat the words of St. Caterina of Siena:
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