Separation, Abuse and Determining Change
Deciding to separate can sometimes be the most healing thing you can do not only for yourself, but your entire family--including your spouse.
Note: This article deals with the topic of marital separation. Separation is an extremely difficult choice that requires prayer, discernment and fortitude. It’s not the right path for everyone, but for many it’s the only alternative. This post is written for those who have discerned that separation is God’s will for their family, and have made the difficult decision to leave (or have been left).
Let’s face it: Abuse works. That’s why individuals who use power and manipulation to control their relationships continue to persist in their harmful behavior—because they can get away with it and because it enables them to get what they want. It’s God’s will that spouses help each other become holy, and sometimes the best way to do that is through marital separation. Staying in an abusive dynamic permits further abuse to continue, while separating can provide rest and healing.
Separation doesn’t mean there will necessarily be an eventual divorce, although if the abusive spouse isn’t willing to get the long-term help they need to stop their maladaptive behaviors, divorce is often the only recourse.
In some cases, separation may be the necessary wake-up call to help an abusive spouse realize and acknowledge the grave harm he’s been inflicting upon his partner. This humble awakening can, in rare cases, lead him to seek permanent Christ-centered help and healing.
The goals of separation include:
Safety. This includes not just physical safety but also emotional, psychological and spiritual safety. However, remember that the most dangerous time for survivors of intimate partner violence is when they talk about separation (which is often not recommended), and when they actually leave. Be aware of this by making a solid safety plan (see my book, Don’t Plant Your Seeds Among Thorns, for a sample safety plan) and seek professionals in your area who can help. You can also call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE(7233). Their website is https://www.thehotline.org.
Healing. It’s difficult to heal while still living daily with abuse because your nervous system is constantly in survival mode, walking on eggshells. Separation helps calm the inner storm so you can gather the necessary resources to begin your healing journey.
Relief. Even though there may be post-separation abuse, this stress is different and in many ways easier to handle. You’re not constantly under attack, on edge, and afraid of your spouse’s presence in the home.
Clarity. Separation is a stage in your marriage in which you’ll be able to determine whether or not your spouse is willing or able to completely transform his behavior and make a full recovery.
This article focuses on clarity, because there are some men who genuinely have a Road to Damascus conversion, as I describe it in Don’t Plant Your Seeds Among Thorns. They authentically admit all of their abusive behaviors and make genuine and full reparation—over a great deal of time. They seek Christ-centered help and healing to release themselves from their abusive ways. Just remember, this takes time—and a lot of it. Not mere weeks or even months, but years. Change also isn’t a matter of empty promises, false apologies, or expressions of love. Change resides in consistent and persistent positive and reparatory actions.
Sadly, it’s difficult to break the abusive pattern, and many people simply don’t want to do so. They see nothing wrong with their behavior, and they cling to the desire to control others through power-over and manipulation. They refuse to face the long, hard work of looking at their actions in an honest light and confronting the painful task of healing their own inner wounds.
One way to determine whether or not a person is willing to change is the presence—or lack of—post-separation abuse. Unfortunately, this type of abuse is common—and if it’s present, it’s a sign that no change is happening, even if your partner claims he’s changing and is in therapy or in a domestic violence intervention group. “Actions speak louder than words” is a true saying.
Some typical forms of post-separation abuse include:
Persistent Pestering. This includes frequent texting, emails, or other unwanted forms of communication, especially if this breaks a boundary because you’ve specified that you need to go no-contact for a span of time. These don’t necessarily have to be harassing communications—they can also be pleas for your return, promises to change, love bombing, etc. If you’ve told your spouse that you don’t want to communicate with him—or have set limits on the communication—yet he persists, this is still harassment.
Intimidation. Threatening you with divorce, financial ruin, mistreatment of pets you may have had to leave behind, or using the children as an excuse to breach boundaries all fall under this category.
Parental Disruption. If your spouse uses your children as pawns by trying to coerce them into taking “his side,” using the children to report back to him on what’s going on in your new home, isolating the children from you, or bad-mouthing you in front of the children, you’re experiencing post-separation abuse.
Parental Neglect. If he neglects the children when they’re with him, ignores their needs or emotions, doesn’t get them to school or extra circular activities on time, refuses to feed them nutritiously, or otherwise refuses his parental duties, he may be trying to coerce you into returning “for the sake of the children.”
Undermining Your Parental Rights. Ways to discredit you as a parent include instigating a smear campaign, playing the victim, telling others that “children need a father” and it’s your fault that his children have to be without him, purposely disrupting the children’s schedules at your expense, and demanding visitation when the children are otherwise engaged in school or social activities.
Financial Threats. Types of financial threats include refusing to pay your necessary needs if you rely on his income for survival, withholding child support, removing you from the family insurance plan, threatening court action to take your personal money, interfering with your ability to work, or blocking access to joint accounts.
Pressure to Return. There isn’t a time limit on separation. Healing takes time, and it’s impossible to say how long the separation may last. Do not agree to return to living together if you don’t feel completely, absolutely safe. Additionally, if there is an eventual reconciliation, you have to be sure your spouse’s change is authentic—which, as I said, takes years. Abusers will often act good for months just to win their victim back, yet when the victim returns, the abuse also returns—usually worse than before. Be aware of this, because it’s a very real danger. If he’s pressuring you to return, consider that a huge red flag.
If any of these are present during your separation, they are all signs that your spouse’s behaviors and attitudes aren’t improving.
If you’re experiencing post-separation abuse you may feel like you’re still in a constant battle, but remember—you’re not the same person you were when you were trapped in a toxic household. You can grow, spread your wings, renew yourself. You can breathe again! Rest now in the loving arms of your heavenly Father and allow Jesus, our Divine Physician, to heal your broken heart and bind up your wounds.
God’s hand is upon you always. He will open doors you never thought possible, and renew the face of your world—if you let Him. As the U.S. bishops wrote in their document, “When I Call for Help”:
Finally, we emphasize that no person is expected to stay in an abusive marriage. Some abused women believe that church teaching on the permanence of marriage requires them to stay in an abusive relationship. They may hesitate to seek a separation or divorce. They may fear that they cannot re-marry in the Church. Violence and abuse, not divorce, break up a marriage. We encourage abused persons who have divorced to investigate the possibility of seeking an annulment. An annulment, which determines that the marriage bond is not valid, can frequently open the door to healing.
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