How to Detect a False Apology
What does “I’m sorry” truly mean?
Obviously that depends upon the situation—and the motivations of the person saying the words—but there are times when “I’m sorry” means absolutely nothing. Worse, there are times when “I’m sorry” can be rightly interpreted as “I want to get off the hook so I’m going to try to placate you.” Someone with abusive tendencies will consistently use false apologies as a manipulative tool to twist the situation to their advantage.
It’s true that we’re all human, which means we’ve all hurt others at some point in our lives. We may even have failed to properly apologize, due to pride or an inability to see where we steered wrong. The difference between normal human blunderings and a self-focused individual’s chronic false apologies is the tendency to be completely blind to their bad behavior, even while claiming otherwise. Instead they turn the tables and begin issuing all manner of blame, counter accusations, and a jumble of word salad that leaves their victim feeling utterly baffled, overwhelmed, confused and full of shame.
Allergic to admitting any sort of fault or mistake (unless they’re playing the victim to achieve their goals), individuals with a high level of self-focused tendencies seek to preserve their image while at the same time buffering themselves from feelings of shame or discomfort. Sadly, they do this at the cost of others, not considering the discomfort and even trauma they cause those who are within their line of fire.
How to tell the difference between a false and a sincere apology
How can you tell whether an apology is authentic or not?
It’s easy to be fooled by false apologies for several reasons. First, we want the apology to be authentic. Diffusing the stress of the situation is something our nervous systems crave, and we want to believe our partner is changing, or empathetic, or that they finally understand. Those two little words—“I’m sorry”—can feel like a refreshing thimbleful of water for someone constantly dehydrated.
The second most common reason a false apology can be deceiving is that it’s often accompanied by tears or an expression of remorse, followed by a period of good behavior—for a limited time only. Like a sale on about-to-expire veggies, “for a limited time only” is the key phrase, because domestic abuse is a recurring pattern of behavior. Just remember that the true test of change isn’t the presence of tears or temporary behaviors, but a consistent and persistent humility and admission of wrongs committed, with an active pursuit toward healing and wholeness. This consistent persistence must be present over a period of years, not mere weeks or even months.
“Go and sin no more.”
(John 8:11)
There are many forms of false apologies—those that minimize, blame-shift, whitewash, etc. Some characteristics of false apologies include:
They tend to minimize the harmful behavior. If you hear phrases such as, “I was just kidding” or “I was just thinking of your own good,” consider it a red flag.
Be wary of the word “if.” “I’m sorry if I said something that hurt your feelings” isn’t an apology, it’s an evasion because it suggests that perhaps no wrong was truly done, that the victim was being oversensitive or dramatic.
The blame is shifted onto the victim, whitewashing the bad behavior as if it didn’t really happen. For example, “I’m sorry you think I’m such a monster” or “I’m sorry you’re having a bad day and being so sensitive.”
Be aware of the phrase, “I regret.” True apologies come with actions, not merely with words. “I regret that we had a fight,” isn’t an apology, and perhaps can be better interpreted as “I regret I was caught, and we had a fight.” Regret is a feeling, but it doesn’t do anything to make amends.
A failure to admit wrongdoing with crafty words such as “I guess” is another red flag. “I guess I shouldn’t have done that,” isn’t an apology, it’s an attempt at appeasement.
A true apology doesn’t have any conditions attached. “I’ll apologize if you forget about it,” or “I’ll apologize if you’ll forgive me” aren’t true apologies. Authentic apologies don’t have strings attached.
If you hear the word “but,” you can be sure the apology is just an excuse. Examples include “I’m sorry, but everyone else agrees with me,” “I’m sorry, but you were being confrontational,” and “I’m sorry, but I had too much to drink last night.”
Blanket apologies take no responsibility for the harmful actions in question. “I’m sorry for everything I’ve ever done that has made you feel upset” is merely another form of evasion.
A frustrated apology is not an apology—for example, “I’m sorry already! Can we just drop it?”
On the other hand, a true apology …
Has no disclaimer attached to it.
Doesn’t minimize behaviors or situations.
Doesn’t evade the issue at hand. If the so-called apology steers the conversation away from what the offender did, it’s not a true apology but a dodging of responsibility for bad behavior.
Makes true amends by a sincere and sustained effort to try not to repeat the harmful behavior.
Shows authentic empathy (not just words, but empathetic actions).
Offers to make amends in whatever way is needed—without a demand for payback.
Doesn’t result in blame-shifting.
The Bible reminds us to “be sober-minded and alert” (1 Peter 5:8), and this is true when prayerfully discerning a false apology from an authentic one. A true apology is a vehicle for change, and after the apology is made, the same behavior shouldn’t repeat itself again and again in a cyclical pattern of mistreatment. If you’re detecting false apologies in your relationship, take note of the pattern—when and how they occur—and don’t fall for the manipulation. Be sober-minded and alert so you can protect yourself emotionally, psychologically, and perhaps even physically.
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