How to Recognize Change: The Antidote for Anger and Impatience
"Impatience reveals, more than any other vice, that the soul has lost God." (St. Caterina of Siena)
The primary topic I get asked about on a regular basis is about transformation: “Can someone who chronically abuses others truly change?” I’ve addressed this before, but since there are still so many questions from both readers and clients, I wanted to talk more about what it takes to sincerely rehaul and reform a personality into one that is virtuous, mutually self-giving, and lovingly empathetic. In this article I’m going to focus on two essential virtues needed in order for change to be permanent and praiseworthy: Humility and Patience.
In order to better understand these virtues, we need to understand why their opposites are so soul-draining.
Twin Vices: Anger and Impatience
At the heart of coercive control and the desire—whether conscious or not—to gain and maintain power over others lies the dual yet related sins of anger and impatience. Individuals who have allowed themselves to sink into this trap become easily angered, impatient if their target doesn’t “cooperate” in the exact and specified way they desire.
Although untrained in a school of psychology that didn’t exist in her day, fourteenth-century mystic Catherine of Siena (known as Caterina in her native Tuscan language) was an astute student of human behavior. In a 1377 letter to Agnesa Malavolti, a Sienese noblewoman, Caterina wrote:
There is no sin, no vice that gives one such a foretaste of hell in this life as anger and impatience. [The impatient] live in hatred of God and in contempt of their neighbors. They are unwilling to bear or tolerate their neighbors’ shortcomings; they don’t even know how to! Anything that is done or said to them sets them flying, their emotions stirred to anger and impatience like a leaf in the wind. They become unbearable to themselves, because their perverse will is aways gnawing at them, wanting what it cannot have. They are out of sorts with God and with their own rationality. All of this comes from the tree of pride bearing its pith of anger and impatience and making incarnate devils of human beings.
These are very firm statements, and may even sound harsh to our modern sensitivity, so accustomed as we are to watering down the reality of sin. Even so, Caterina’s words are not untrue; they speak a reality that’s better to face than to ignore.
The most common question I hear from clients is “How can I get help for my spouse so he’ll change?” The answer is, sadly, you can’t. As I’ve expressed many times before, we have no power whatsoever to change other people; only they, cooperating with the grace of God, can change themselves.
What would this change look like?
Santissima Pazienza
In her letter to Agnesa Malavolti St. Caterina speaks in length about patience, a virtue she considers such a sacred quality that she refers to it as “Santissima Pazienza,” or “Holy Patience.”
Santissima Pazienza is the necessary ingredient to permanent soul change, but patience can only be reached through the bridge of humility.
And that’s the tricky part. Someone immersed in a driving desire for power and control, fueled by anger and impatience—”the very pith and sap of pride”—shuns humility. They often claim otherwise, but words are merely that—empty vocalizations—with no foundation unless their actions authentically correspond to that which their lips are proclaiming.
This impatience “befalls them on account of the inordinate love they have for themselves.” Additionally, “there is no remedy for this unless they learn to know themselves and realize that they have offended God. They have to cut down this tree of pride with the sword of humility. This humility nurtures charity in the soul, and charity is a tree of love whose pith is patience and benevolence toward one’s neighbors.”
In Don’t Plant Your Seeds Among Thorns: A Catholic’s Guide to Recognizing and Healing from Domestic Abuse I invest an entire chapter on the topic of changing maladaptive patterns to healthy ones. In that chapter I write:
Authentic change must begin with a foundation of humility … Humility, honesty, openness, and a willingness to confess each and every abusive behavior and attitude are all crucial components of change.
An individual who uses abuse to control their relationship needs to acknowledge their actions and manipulations. They have to own them, admit them, and be determined to reform them. The have to
fully confess everything, in all honesty and without excuse or blame—to you, to anyone else they’ve abused, and to a priest through the Sacrament of Reconciliation.
In order for an individual to transform their life they has to find the Road to Damascus, get on it, and walk. And keep walking all the way to the end, despite the enticing detours and exhaustion that may tempt them to turn back. They can’t remain in their delusional world of power-over, control, twisted mind games, blaming and excuses.
In Acts chapter 9 we read about the abuser Saul, a persecutor of Christians and a man complicit in murder. He hated the followers of Christ and sought to purge them from the world. But then something happened. Something immense, something dazzling, a soul-expanding experience that left Saul prone on the ground with newly awakened love, humility and understanding. On the Road to Damascus, Saul the abuser began his journey toward becoming St. Paul the Apostle.
After his Road to Damascus conversion experience, St. Paul used his God-given free will to authentically remove the abusive patterns in his life in order to completely reform. He gave up his control, his power, and his position, all for Christ.
This is precisely what is needed for authentic soul-change. There is no other path. Only the One.
Humility and patience are the foundations of true charity. Without these, the soul falters and fails, immersing itself in the original sin of pride and presumption. The true litmus test of whether or not someone is changing for the good—and therefore is deserving of our own gift of patience, with the knowledge that it won’t be further abused or trodden underfoot—is the root virtue of Santissima Pazienza. When we look to the Blessed Mother, our foundation for all that is virtuous and patient, we find a model we can rely on as we continue to discern the situations in our lives.
Special Note:
This article focuses on the perpetrating individual, the one who is using power and control to coerce another as a regular, consistent way of life. When in a situation where mistreatment is at the core of a relationship, it isn’t virtuous to exhibit a so-called “patience” that actually harms us. We shouldn’t be patient with abuse, because that’s a toxic injustice we should never have to endure. Instead, we should be patient with ourselves as we navigate the waters that will steer our boat toward health and healing. I write more about this in my article, “Hard Hearts, Vulnerable Hearts.”
Gift cards now available!
To learn more about my books and purchase signed copies, head over to my online shop. Receive free downloads, read about my future projects, and more!
