God is madly in love with us.
He loves all of humanity with such wild intensity that He sent His own Heart into the world to be broken and shattered for us all. Jesus suffered and died even for those who continue to abuse and reject Him; He sacrificed His very self for those most unworthy to receive Him.
Does that mean we should do the same? Should we stay in a relationship that forces us to sacrifice our true selves in order to be “Christ-like”? St. Paul teaches us that “love is patient, love is kind.” Does that mean we should patiently endure abuses and other intolerable behaviors?
Obviously the answer is a resounding no, yet although we may be aware of this truth in our heads, our hearts often tell us something different. Getting our head knowledge to transfer to our hearts can be difficult, especially if a trauma bond is wreaking havoc with our nervous system and causing us to experience extreme separation anxiety.
What Does it Mean to Be Christ-Like?
The dilemma is intense: we want to be loving spouses, patient and longsuffering in case the situation changes, all while clinging to the hope that it will indeed change (and soon). At the same time we’re wilting away, being torn to shreds, exhausted, confused and in pain. We want to do what’s right and virtuous, yet we also want relief from the burdensome drama of abuse.
Quite often people imagine that being Christ-like means turning the other cheek so that one, too, can be slapped—yet that’s not at all what Christ teaches. In my book, Don’t Plant Your Seeds Among Thorns: A Catholic’s Guide to Recognizing and Healing From Domestic Abuse I explain the history of Matthew 5:38-39 in context to what Jesus was truly teaching. In a nutshell, turning the other check is about setting healthy, non-violent boundaries—not about allowing yourself to be repeatedly mistreated.
Hardening Hearts
Another story that can help us to understand how to navigate this delicate situation is found in the Old Testament. There are many instances in the Bible where we read about God hardening the hearts of sinners. One of the most familiar of these passages comes from Exodus 9:12: “But the LORD hardened the heart of Pharaoh, and he did not listen to [the Israelites].”
This statement may sound a bit cruel when read out of context, as well as contrary to Christian theology. God gives us all free will, to love or reject Him as we please. Yet if God hardened Pharaoh’s heart, does that mean Pharaoh no longer had the free will to accept or reject the Israelite’s rightful plea for religious freedom?
The answer is no, as long as we read the passage correctly. When the Bible says God hardened Pharaoh’s heart, it doesn’t mean He yanked away the ruler’s free will. In truth, Pharaoh had already hardened his own heart, refusing to set the Israelites free even after the first five plagues hit the Egyptians. He was already acting stubborn in his sin, rejecting the commands of God. Rather, “the LORD hardened the heart of Pharaoh” indicates that God left Pharaoh to wallow in his sin. The grace to “go and sin no more” was no longer available to him, because he’d already rejected it.
Pharaoh had made his choice, and God was leaving him to the consequences, withdrawing divine grace because it had already been rejected.
Sometimes, as painful as it feels, that’s what we have to do. We’re not anyone’s savior—only Christ is. To act in a Christ-like manner means to leave the saving up to Him. Our misbehaving loved one can allow their heart to harden further or to soften, but we can do nothing to change the outcome. Trying to force the situation will only exhaust and deplete us further. Sometimes being a loving spouse means not enabling toxic behavior.
“We can’t enable bad behavior in ourselves and others and call it love. We can’t tolerate destructive patterns and call it love. And we can’t pride ourselves on being loyal and longsuffering in our relationships when it’s really perpetuating violations of what God says love is … This isn’t a message that is encouraging people to divorce quickly, thoughtlessly, or unadvisedly … This also isn’t a message about encouraging people to abandon others just because things get difficult or the other person is walking through a hard season. But we also don’t need to swing the pendulum to the extreme where we stay in a destructive, toxic, or abusive relationship no matter what. Boundaries should help us avoid extremes and live closer to the kind of love God intended for relationships.”
(Lysa Terkeurst, Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are)
Guard Your Heart
Our hearts are precious. Fragile yet resilient, unique and wholly ours. We give our hearts as gifts to others, which makes us vulnerable. Vulnerability is also a beautiful gift when it’s treated properly; yet when it’s abused or otherwise mistreated, the greatest wounds can be felt.
In the middle ages, the heart was described as the place where our souls dwell. Based on the writings of Aristotle, it was believed that the heart was the center of the body; in the words of Dante (Vita Nuova), “The spirit of life dwells in the most secret chamber of the heart.”
That’s why it’s so important to guard our hearts.
Yet how do we do that? If we’re actively being mistreated by someone close to us, the balance of guarding our heart yet not shutting down all emotion can be tricky. However, with solid boundaries and a determination to stick to them, it is possible.
“Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me” the psalmist cries out in a plea for healing and renewal (Ps. 51:10).
Reserving our hearts only for those who are trustworthy enough to embrace our gift with reciprocal self-giving begins with prayerful reflection on the beauty of our hearts, which when rightly ordered reflect the image of God. “The soul cannot live without love. She always wants to love something because love is the stuff she is made of, and through love God created her,” St. Catherine of Siena wrote in her Dialogue. When our love is focused on God and not on another fragile and faulty human being, our souls sing with peace rather than crumbling in fear.
Love the One You’re With
The One closest to you—closer even than yourself—is the One who dwells within your soul and even, if you take Eucharist worthily, within your physical body. Based on the parable of the ten virgins (Mt. 25:1-13), St. Catherine of Siena taught that we need to pray our hearts become shaped like an ancient lamp. The lamp, in the Gospel parable, is a symbol for our hearts, wide at the top and narrow at the bottom.
The top of our hearts should be open to God’s bountiful love and Divine Mercy, His consolation and grace. The bottom should be narrow—not closed, but cautious. Opening our hearts to things that are not of God—such as abusive treatment—causes the entire heart to constrict. Although still there and active, the love and comfort of God can be difficult to feel when our hearts have been opened to things other than Him.
Your heart should indeed be a lamp filled with oil. It should carry the light of knowledge of yourself and of God’s goodness within you, which is the fire and light of charity.
When we focus on letting our hearts burn with the joyful love of God—and pray for the grace of detached love from those who mistreat us—we begin the journey back to self. In another section of the Dialogue St. Catherine states that we need to “love what God loves, and hate what God hates.”
God hates it when any of His precious children are mistreated through the sin of coercive control, abuse, and any other form of chronic mistreatment.
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