Healing While Staying: When You Can’t (or Don’t Want to) Leave
Is it possible to heal your deep inner gashes and newly-opened wounds while still enmeshed in a toxic marriage? If your partner is still actively mistreating you with verbal or physical tirades, psychological manipulations, and other forms of covertly abusive behavior, is it even possible to emotionally break free and reclaim a pure sense of self?
The answer is yes … but …
Yes, it is possible to turn off the gas of gaslighting, to refuse to allow the arrows of abuse to hit their mark. Education is your first step—and if you’re reading this blog, you’re well on your way. However, it’s not easy to disengage, and any outward attempts will likely be met with resistance and even an increase in abusive behaviors. The tactics of manipulation may change, the goalposts may shift yet again, but the behavior won’t simply go away just because you’re disengaging.
Even so, it’s important to disentangle yourself from the trauma knot you’ve been tied up in for so long.
What this looks like will vary from person to person, situation to situation. In some relationships, the grey rock technique will work (this is when you become as boring as a grey rock, not engaging in conversations). It may even be possible to let your spouse know that you refuse to become involved in repetitive arguments or another round of confusing, blame-laced circular talk, and to walk away from the situation by going into another room or even taking a walk outside. Yet for many people in abusive situations, that isn’t possible. If they try to walk away, they find the doorway blocked by the imposing figure of their partner, or they’re followed from room to room, a tirade of verbal slanders preventing their escape.
Prayer
In these situations, I tell my clients that prayer is key. We can’t purposely numb ourselves, we can’t become a boulder or a block of ice so the abuse won’t burrow deep within us. To do so would be to cut off all other emotions, such as joy and peace.
It’s easier to remember to pray during quiet alone times than in the moment of an incident, but training your mind to do just that will go a long way in helping you regain a sense of self and protect you from the emotional and psychological repercussions of abuse. Your body is a tremendously marvelous machine—God has designed you for healing and rejuvenation.
Previous scientific thought was that after the developmental stages of childhood, the brain was fixed and couldn’t be changed or healed. Thankfully, continued advances in science have allowed mankind to understand more fully the mystery of God’s amazing creation—our human bodies. We now know that the brain can and does change all throughout our lives—which is both good and bad news. When we experience prolonged and/or intense trauma, the structure of our brain physically alters. Yet so, too, when we actively and consciously engage in healing, we can change the neuropathways of our brain to form healthy, God-willed behaviors, perspectives, and attitudes.
Neuroplasticity gives our brains the ability to change in response to experiences or intentional behaviors. This means through repetition—such as repetition in prayer when negative situations arise—we can change the structure of our brain, making it easier to remember to pray during times of strife, and easier to feel the peace prayer brings to the soul.
During times of conflict, rather than falling into the trap of wanting to JADE—justify yourself, argue your point of view, defend your position, and explain your thoughts or actions—remain silent. Remain silent while, deep within your mind, pray to the Lord for help, peace, mercy, or whatever comes into your heart.
I’ve found the Holy Rosary to be an extremely powerful prayer tool during these times. The great thing about the Rosary is that you don’t need actual beads to pray it—although it’s not a bad idea to keep a Rosary in your pocket at all times. Even so, if you don’t have one, you can discreetly count on your fingers or in your mind. Alternately, you don’t need to keep track of the number of prayers at all—just continue to mentally recite the Hail Mary, Our Father, Glory Be, and Fatima Prayer. Rather than listening to the voice of abuse and mistreatment, listen to the voice of prayer.
The Divine Mercy Chaplet is another useful tool. During times of manipulation, when there is no chance of real, productive communication or resolution, internally reciting the Divine Mercy prayers can provide inner relief and peace.
Eternal Father, I offer You the Body and Blood, Soul and Divinity of Your Dearly Beloved Son, Our Lord, Jesus Christ, in atonement for our sins and those of the whole world.
For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world.
Jesus, I trust in You.
Even just repeating Jesus, I trust in You is an extremely powerful way of avoiding the emotional intensity of a verbally abusive tirade.
Healing from abuse while still involved in the toxic situation is an ongoing challenge, and one that can feel disheartening and hopeless at times. However, it is possible. We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us (Phil. 4:13).
Creating new neuropathways of prayer to replace the destructive ones created by abuse will go a long way in helping you heal and remain stable during covert, verbal, emotional and psychological attacks. Protection prayers can also help shield you against any and all incursions of the evil one—and we all know that abuse is a definite evil.
If you’re in physical danger, please don’t hesitate to reach out for help and protection. Do all you can to stay safe.
For help, you can contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233).
Special offer for priests, deacons, and lay ministers!
One of my passions is to help priests, deacons, and lay ministers better understand the dynamics of abusive relationships. Abuse victims often turn to the church for help, and if the ministers they turn to are under-informed, they can end up handling the situation poorly and retraumatizing the victim. Education is key.
Because of the urgency of this situation, for a limited time I’m offering my book, Don’t Plant Your Seeds Among Thorns: A Catholic’s Guide to Understanding and Healing from Domestic Abuse for free to all priests, deacons, and lay ministers (a minimal $5.50 shipping charge is all I ask for U.S. shipments—international depends on location). If you’re interested, please contact me using your diocese email address and I can send a book your way.
