Jenny, your articles are always so insightful. I’ve never heard of IFS before but am intrigued! I’d love to chat with you about a potential collaboration on my Substack - could you grab my email from your subscriber list and shoot me an email?
A question, I understand and believe in being patient with one who honestly wants to change. However as I know from experience and as you often say it takes time, years even, for one to heal and change. So in the meantime the abuser continues his pattern of abuse, his Jekyll and Hyde routine. Abuse doesn't just wear one down. It changes the victim to the point one loses oneself. So my question is does one have to stay with the abuser and put up with his abuse as he slowly heals? Its not just a matter of suffering. It's a matter of slowly dying because of the abuse and not just the times of obvious abuse. I think the worse abuse is the back and forth Jekyll and Hyde!
Hi Kathleen! Thanks for your great question. I completely understand the slow dying of self and spirit in domestic abuse. If an abuser is still regularly engaging in the Jekyll and Hyde routine, can there truly be healing going on? Can he truly be changing? If he's still engaging in the same behaviors, then promises to change are merely another rotation of the abuse cycle.
The answer to your question is no, a victim does not have to stay with the abuser. This isn't just something I'm saying, it's a teaching of the Catholic Church. The Code of Canon Law 1153 states:
Can. 1153 §1. "If either of the spouses causes grave mental or physical danger to the other spouse or to the offspring or otherwise renders common life too difficult, that spouse gives the other a legitimate cause for leaving, either by decree of the local ordinary or even on his or her own authority if there is danger in delay."
The USCCB, in their crucial document When I Call for Help, clearly states:
"Finally, we emphasize that no person is expected to stay in an abusive marriage. Some abused women believe that church teaching on the permanence of marriage requires them to stay in an abusive relationship. They may hesitate to seek a separation or divorce. They may fear that they cannot re-marry in the Church. Violence and abuse, not divorce, break up a marriage."
For more Catholic resources, you can visit my website page about this topic at:
Jenny, your articles are always so insightful. I’ve never heard of IFS before but am intrigued! I’d love to chat with you about a potential collaboration on my Substack - could you grab my email from your subscriber list and shoot me an email?
I'll send you an email today, Sara!
Great article-- this is a very informative and helpful perspective!
A question, I understand and believe in being patient with one who honestly wants to change. However as I know from experience and as you often say it takes time, years even, for one to heal and change. So in the meantime the abuser continues his pattern of abuse, his Jekyll and Hyde routine. Abuse doesn't just wear one down. It changes the victim to the point one loses oneself. So my question is does one have to stay with the abuser and put up with his abuse as he slowly heals? Its not just a matter of suffering. It's a matter of slowly dying because of the abuse and not just the times of obvious abuse. I think the worse abuse is the back and forth Jekyll and Hyde!
Hi Kathleen! Thanks for your great question. I completely understand the slow dying of self and spirit in domestic abuse. If an abuser is still regularly engaging in the Jekyll and Hyde routine, can there truly be healing going on? Can he truly be changing? If he's still engaging in the same behaviors, then promises to change are merely another rotation of the abuse cycle.
The answer to your question is no, a victim does not have to stay with the abuser. This isn't just something I'm saying, it's a teaching of the Catholic Church. The Code of Canon Law 1153 states:
Can. 1153 §1. "If either of the spouses causes grave mental or physical danger to the other spouse or to the offspring or otherwise renders common life too difficult, that spouse gives the other a legitimate cause for leaving, either by decree of the local ordinary or even on his or her own authority if there is danger in delay."
(Reference https://www.vatican.va/archive/cod-iuris-canonici/eng/documents/cic_lib4-cann998-1165_en.html)
The USCCB, in their crucial document When I Call for Help, clearly states:
"Finally, we emphasize that no person is expected to stay in an abusive marriage. Some abused women believe that church teaching on the permanence of marriage requires them to stay in an abusive relationship. They may hesitate to seek a separation or divorce. They may fear that they cannot re-marry in the Church. Violence and abuse, not divorce, break up a marriage."
For more Catholic resources, you can visit my website page about this topic at:
https://www.createsoulspace.net/catholic-domestic-violence-resources.html
I hope that answered your question, and if you have any others, just ask away!
Thank you your answer helps a great deal, and relieves a sense of guilt.
Kathleen
I'm so glad. My prayers are with you!