Why Motivations Matter, Pt. 2: The Somewhat-Aware Gaslighter
In last week’s article I wrote about the “clueless gaslighter”—those people who aren’t aware they’re gaslighting their loved ones, co-workers or friends. They engage in the behavior as a way to get a perceived need met, without thought for how their actions will affect others. As I wrote in “Why Motivations Matter, Pt. 1”:
Someone who chronically gaslights does so because of a self-need rather than a desire for the good of the other. They have an emotional hole they can’t fill, and often don’t even realize they’re wounded. In order to cover shame or to take control of their own reality, they attempt to shift the reality of others—usually loved ones or other close relationships—in order to feel at ease in their world.
Moving up the scale a bit, there are some individuals who are semi-aware of their behaviors. The “somewhat aware” gaslighter is the one who knows they’re not being honest in their interactions, but they don’t connect the dots between their dishonesty and its effects. They’re entrenched in protective mode, and will do all they can to not get “found out.”
They harbor a secret and will do whatever is necessary not to have that secret revealed. It may be a huge secret such as an addiction or affair, or something more internal, such as a desire not to be fully known for fear of rejection. Regardless, they can’t let that side of them be seen by others, so they turn to gaslighting behaviors as a way to cover up their issues. The need to control their partner’s reality doesn’t have a basis in the desire for malevolent power, but in perceived self-preservation.
The behavior of addicts is an ideal illustration of this level of gaslighting. For example, a person who has a pornography addiction will gaslight their spouse in order to hide their sin. If their spouse finds evidence of pornography on their computer, they’ll knowingly lie to cover their tracks. “I have no idea how that pop-up got there,” or “I swear I never went on that website—maybe my computer has a virus” are examples of lies and excuses with a goal of self-protection. A victim may be told she imagined evidence she saw with her own eyes, coupled with accusations that she’s upset over nothing, losing her mind, or over-reacting.
The victim of gaslighting is thrown into a fog of self-doubt, confusion, internal conflict and—if the gaslighting persists over a long period of time or is particularly intense—a loss of a sense of self.
