Turning Off the Gas
Gaslighting has become a popular topic, a buzz word thrown around sometimes too haphazardly, yet what do we truly know about it? Most of us are familiar with the basics such as where the term came from (it was coined by Dr. Robin Stern and based on the 1944 Ingrid Bergman movie Gaslight) and what it is (when one person attempts to manipulate a situation by causing another to doubt their perceptions and memory). Going beyond the basics involves an in-depth look at all the nuances of this form of manipulation, which is what I intend to do over the next few articles.
It takes at least two people for gaslighting to occur—the gaslighter and the gaslightee. If someone refuses to fall for the attempted manipulation, gaslighting cannot take place. When you gain the ability to recognize gaslighting in the moment it’s occurring, yet you don’t do something to “turn off the gas,” you’re encouraging the abuse. Obviously, that’s not an ideal situation. The purpose of these articles will be to help you recognize subtle signs of gaslighting, what a gaslighting conversation looks like, and how you can take your power back by not allowing the manipulation to settle into your mind and your heart.
When you care about how others perceive you, the vulnerability to being gaslight increases. That’s tough in an intimate relationship, because it’s natural to care about how your loved one views you.
Additionally, most people who are prone to being gaslit are highly empathetic. Empathy is a necessary and desired quality in a relationship, yet it must extend to both partners. If only one partner is empathetic and the other is oblivious—or, worse, utterly self-focused—then empathy can become a detriment. The empathetic partner gives and gives—and gives again—only to receive blame and accusation in response. During a disagreement, the empathetic partner will go out of her way to understand her spouse’s point of view, trying to remain fair and open-minded. The partner who isn’t empathetic focuses on his personal needs and desires, oblivious of any perspective except his own. This self-focused mindset causes his sense of reality to become twisted with a variety of cognitive distortions.
Being empathetic is good, but only in healthy situations. Otherwise, it may cause you to become more vulnerable to gaslighting. When you value the opinion of your loved one, their insistence that “you’re remembering it wrong” or “you’re just being overly emotional” hits the heart because it’s natural to value their thoughts, opinions, and beliefs. This is where radical acceptance is so crucial: it becomes necessary to accept that this person can’t be trusted after all, that perhaps they don’t have your best interests at heart.
In order to detach your emotions from the gaslighting, it’s crucial to release the need for validation and even acceptance. Your partner can believe what he wants about you—but it doesn’t change who you truly are. If they want to believe falsehoods, fine—let them, without the desire to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain). When you try to explain your intentions to a gaslighter, you’re providing them with even more material that they can twist and contort to their advantage—and to your confusion.
When you’re in a crazing-making conversation, the moment you begin to feel a creeping doubt in your heart, with questions such as, “well, maybe I’m remembering wrong” or “did I really do that, and just don’t remember?” take that as a sign to stop the conversation. Often these doubts are accompanied by physical sensations such as a heaviness of heart, difficulty breathing, a tightening of the stomach or feeling ill, dizziness, or other sensations. Those are signals from your body telling you something isn’t right—and urging you to pay attention.
A gaslighting relationship involves persistent and ongoing manipulation—remember, abuse is a pattern of behavior. We all tend to gaslight from time to time—and often it’s ourselves we’re gaslighting. For example, trying to convince ourselves that the mistreatment we experienced at the hands of our loved one wasn’t that bad, or to convince ourselves that it wasn’t abuse, is a form of self-gaslighting. People can also gaslight others in isolated incidences, without being a chronic manipulator. It’s important to be on the lookout for all instances of gaslighting no matter where they may occur. The more you’re aware, the more you can protect yourself.
My next articles will cover specific areas of gaslighting, but for this basic overview I want to leave you with a few gaslighting phrases that will help you discern when you’re being manipulated. If you hear these accusations, chances are gaslighting is dominating the twisted conversation.
Gaslighting Phrases:
Anything that begins with “too”—such as “you’re too sensitive,” “you’re too controlling” or simply “you’re too much.”
“You made that up!”
“That’s not how it happened.”
“You’re remembering wrong.”
“You always get things mixed up.”
“You’re just being paranoid.”
“I never said [or did] that.”
“Everyone agrees with me.”
“You’re overreacting.”
“I was just joking.”
“There’s something seriously wrong with you.”
“I think you’re going crazy/you need to get your head checked.”
“I didn’t do anything wrong, because the Bible says …”
“Stop exaggerating.”
“You hate me.”
I’ll again repeat myself, because this is so crucial:
A gaslighting relationship involves persistent and ongoing manipulation—remember, abuse is a pattern of behavior.
There certainly may be times when we remember things incorrectly or get something confused in our minds. That’s simply a part of being human. The problem arises when these accusations become a chronic infection in your relationship, and you’re no longer allowed to have your own thoughts, opinions, or perceptions of reality. In a healthy relationship, when your spouse questions something that happened with, “I think you might be remembering wrong,” you can realistically analyze the situation and, if you’re sure that you remembered correctly, you can respond with what you know to be true. There aren’t any repercussions, no argument, no desire on the part of your spouse to persist in making you feel crazy. Instead there’s a give-and-take conversation. If both you and your loved one still disagree on what happened, you pleasantly “agree to disagree,” and that’s the end of the conversation.
With gaslighting, the conversation never ends until your head feels like it’s going to explode in confusion and self-doubt.
Yet all is not lost! There is a way to take back your mind—and your heart—from the throes of gaslighting. We’ll get into that topic later. For now, let me leave you with the comfort of knowing that you don’t need the validation of another human being in order to recognize your truth worth and beauty.
O LORD, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O LORD, you know it altogether. You beset me behind and before, and lay our hand upon me … I praise you for I am wondrously made.
(Psalm 139:1-5,14)
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