Transforming Disenfranchised Grief Through Shared Experience
Coined in the 1980’s by Dr. Kenneth J. Doka, disenfranchised grief describes what happens when grief isn’t admitted to others; instead a happy mask is worn in front of people, despite the fact that tears are flowing beneath the mask. Disenfranchised grief can also occur when a trauma is admitted to others—such as family, friends or a church community—yet it isn’t validated or believed.
This happens often in abusive relationships, because so many abusers put on their own masks—those of kindness, generosity, empathy and an overall “great person.” They’re often the ones who volunteer in the community, go out of their way to help certain family members, and, when in public, appear to be the ideal spouse or parent.
In the background—shrunken and shivering behind their partner’s shadow—the betrayed spouse is swimming in an overwhelming sea of confusion, cognitive dissonance, sorrow, hopelessness, anger and other unnameable emotions. When it gets to be too much—and it often does—it feels like the waves are insurmountable and will surely drown her. They weigh her down, heavy on her back, pressing deep into her chest and lungs, filling her belly with wet sorrow.
How do we rise above the waves, lift our heads into the fresh air and breathe deep of the oxygen of life?
Grieving in secret adds to our pain and compounds the confusing array of emotions brought to the surface due to intimate betrayal. Bringing our grief to an empathetic and supportive community creates a bond of mutual trust, companionship and safe friendship, along with a shared sense of meaning. By telling our stories to others we share our wounds, and when we safely share our wounds we open our arms for healing to take place. In the words of St. Thomas Aquinas
“When one is in pain, it is natural that the sympathy of a friend should afford consolation. Since sorrow has a depressing effect, it is like a weight whereof we strive to unburden ourselves: so that when a person sees others saddened by his own sorrow, it seems as though others were bearing the burden with him, striving, as it were, to lessen its weight; wherefore the load of sorrow becomes lighter and he sees that he is loved by them.”
(Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologiae I-II, q. 38, a. 3, co)
This helps counteract the compounded trauma caused by disenfranchised grief.
If we don’t externalize our pain, if we’re not able to openly grieve but instead feel we must put on a mask of happiness, we actually halt the healing process and create more trauma and shame. This increases our desire to self-isolate, making it increasingly more difficult to risk the vulnerability of eventually sharing our grief with a safe community. It’s a vicious cycle, and the sooner the cycle is broken the easier it is to share with worthy people, which enables the healing journey to begin (or continue).
This is particularly true for those who have been burned by sharing with individuals who lack empathy or understanding, and by sharing with unsafe groups who respond with disdain, disbelief, accusation or indifference.
When we keep things inside, we allow them to grow, to take on a life of their own, to overthrow and unbalance us.
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