Reading books and articles from present-day psychologists and domestic abuse experts can be very useful when trying to figure out how to navigate the intricacies and confusing plot twists of covert mistreatment within intimate relationships. There’s been a wealth of recent research and studies which cannot be ignored, and can help with the process of healing. Even so, nothing replaces the wisdom of our Catholic tradition, and listening to the saints can prove to be the greatest benefit of all.
In Game of the World—the sequel to World Between Worlds, my novel based on the early life of St. Catherine (Caterina) of Siena—Caterina endures the up-and-down, tumultuous confusion of a close friend who is so steeped in his own insecurities that he frequently mistreats those he loves the most. What we know about Simone da Cortona from history is that he was an insecure young man who above all desired to be seen, heard and loved by Caterina. When he felt rebuffed or feared he wasn’t as loved as others in her life, his insecurities would burst outward into angry, unruly behavior.
According to professor Arrigo Levasti in his book, My Servant Catherine, Simone was prone to violent outbursts and “twinges of jealousy which tormented him.” Edmund Gardner, an early 20th century expert on St. Catherine, further explains:
From his own account of himself, Frate Simone da Cortona was a melancholy and sensitive youth, tormented by shyness, self-consciousness, and religious scruples … Once, when [a group of Caterina’s disciples] were visiting her, the other friars forgot all about him, and left him outside; Caterina called for him, and he, abashed and mortified, would not go in … He went to bed, very angry and miserable.
(Edmund Gardner, St. Catherine of Siena: A Study in the Religion, Literature, and History of the Fourteenth Century in Italy)
Caterina addresses Simone directly in Letter T56, written in 1377. Here she bluntly yet lovingly tells him that his behavior isn’t acceptable; if he wants be welcomed back into the grace of God—a grace he let slide due to his “selfish self-will”—he must admit to his faults and reform his life.
But you know that we cannot fight [our weaknesses] or be victorious except with the light of most holy faith. And we cannot have this light unless we raise our mind’s eye from all earthly attachments, and get rid of the cloud of selfish love, the perverse cloud that utterly deprives us of all light, whether spiritual or temporal … If we are in the midst of diabolical temptations and our eye is afflicted with this blindness, we are so deluded that, when the devil puts illusory thoughts and suggestions into our heart, we think we have been rejected … We forsake our cell and find our pleasure in [perverse] socializing. All this, and a multitude of other bad things happen to us because we haven’t thrown off the cloud of selfish love either spiritually or temporally. We don’t, therefore, recognize the truth.
She then goes on to remind Simone that the only cure for his selfishness and inordinate attachments is the Blood of Christ, which shows us God’s infinite mercy, love, and desire to forgive—if we ask.
We need Christ’s Blood! In that Blood we will discover a firm confidence that will free us of all slavish fear … we will discover living faith when we experience that God wants nothing other than our good. That is why He gave us the Word, His only-begotten Son. And the Son gave His life for us to restore us to grace; He made His blood a bath for us to wash away the leprosy of our wickedness.
Simone’s behavior gave Caterina a deeper understanding of human psychology. In another letter (T363), she explains the intricacies of those who abuse others for their own profit:
When filth enters their heart, they blow out through their mouth all sorts of hurts and scoffing and slander, verbally and in action.
What is the solution to dealing with people who “blow out through their mouth all sorts of hurts and scoffing and slander”? Obviously it depends upon the situation, the relationship, and the level of safety. However, one good tool—despite how difficult or counterintuitive it may seem to be—is often that of silence.
Silence is not a sign of defeat or giving up; it can often be a strength, a resilience, a virtuous act of self-care.
Born the year Caterina died, medieval monk Thomas à Kempis—best known as the author of The Imitation of Christ—also gives us keen advice to help us understand how to handle difficult personalities, particularly at night. It’s during the dark hours that abusive behaviors often increase and expand, so good counsel about how to be on our guard during these “trigger times” is of particular benefit.
As the evening draws near and the night descends, abusive behaviors tend to intensify. This is what I call a “trigger time”—one of the times to be particularly alert, aware, and conscious of self-protection. “Be sober and watch: because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, goeth about seeking whom he may devour” (1 Peter 5:8).
In Solitude and Silence, Thomas à Kempis tells us:
For the undisciplined or poorly controlled tongue is like a flaming spear in the hands of the devil. It is this ancient enemy of the soul who is so often at work, and as soon as a person ceases to control his own tongue, the devil is waiting to take control of it himself for his own nefarious purposes!
He advises:
Many people have related to me how the practice of participating in conversations into the late hours of the night has given them very little entertainment or happiness but a disproportionate amount of disturbance and sorrow … For even if the first intention of the conversation is completely good and pure, it is generally not long before the forces of darkness and evil (which are always more restless at night) came to exert their pressure, and little by little to creep into one’s words and thoughts … A good strategy for escaping conversations which are potentially damaging to virtue and purity of heart is to avoid carefully the occasions when such conversations are likely to occur. In this way, you will not give the flame of profanity the slightest chance to spring up.
Be aware of the times when you can avoid conversation or interactions that are likely to somersault backwards like a slashing whip. Can you engage in healthy and solitary activities in the evening or other “trigger times” that will take you away from having to interact with that difficult person in your life? If you must interact with them—for example, because of mutual parenting—keep a close guard on your own tongue. Respond only when necessary, and if verbally attacked, try not to justify, argue, defend or explain your actions or yourself.
Here’s further advice fromThomas à Kempis:
It cannot be denied that there are many occasions when speech is necessary. This includes communication concerning work and practical matters, and also speaking about spiritual perplexities and experiences. Human beings, by their very nature, require at times the counsel or consolation of their brothers or sisters … [Yet] there are many potential spiritual snares which lurk in the custom of holding long conversations with other people. Hence it is expedient here to offer some particular warnings.
For a person to indulge in frequent long conversations often tends to turn his attention away from religion and faith … One should be particularly attentive to this in the morning and evening of the day … The wise person will come to realize that few words are sufficient, and much (or even most) that is said is unnecessary and useless.
Simply don’t engage if a conversation includes circular reasoning, gaslighting, and other forms of manipulation. Those conversations are useless and exhausting, and draw you away from God and into the realm of inner chaos. Don’t take the bait. Your heart will be at peace in the patience and silence; it is in the silence that God speaks. When I’m tempted to engage in a useless conversation, I simply pray the Rosary, silently counting on my fingers if I don’t have any beads in my pocket. The simple act of prayer helps calm my nerves and grants me the patience to disengage from manipulative conversation.
Silence can carve out an inner space in our very depths to enable God to dwell there, so that His word will remain within us and love for Him take root in our minds and hearts and inspire our life.
(Pope Benedict XVI, General Audience, March 7, 2012)
Silence is not being a doormat for someone else’s venom and abuse—it’s holding our own power as a way to seek deeper clarity and spiritual beinghood.
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