The “Alarm Clock” Method of Sexual Coercion
Sexual abuse isn't limited to the overt, physical aggression of domestic rape; it can be more subtle, insidious, and difficult to detect.
An excerpt from my book, Don’t Plant Your Seeds Among Thorns: A Catholic’s Guide to Recognizing and Healing from Domestic Abuse.
Many women don’t realize they’re victims of sexual abuse because they haven’t experienced the extreme level of spousal assault—rape within marriage. Yes, rape can and does happen within committed relationships, and the effects are horrific and tragic. However, there are other forms of sexual abuse that are crucial to understand, and that’s why in this post I’m focusing on the sad, subtle, and insidious manipulation of sexual coercion.
Not giving consent to sexual contact isn’t limited to an overt and obvious no. Many women don’t realize they’ve been victimized because they argue, “well, eventually I did say yes” after coercion, guilt trips, and after their spouse refused to take no for an answer. However, finally agreeing to a sexual encounter simply to get him to stop verbally pressuring and guilting you isn’t true consent, nor is it an act of mutual self-giving or love.
I repeat (because this needs repeating, again and again):
Agreeing to a sexual encounter in order to get him to stop verbally pressuring and guilt-tripping you into compliance is not true consent. IT IS SEXUAL ASSAULT in the form of SEXUAL COERCION.
With this type of coercion, your partner may
tell you that it’s been “too long” and he has “normal male needs” that you must satisfy
guilt-trip you by saying that you must not love him or you must not find him attractive if you don’t want to be intimate with him whenever he wants
badger and exhaust you by asking for sex repeatedly, until you finally give in
tell you that you’re obligated as a wife to satisfy his sexual urges when he demands it
compare you to past sexual partners by saying you’re “just like” his frigid ex, who also supposedly didn’t pay enough sexual attention to him, or by bragging about obliging women who were all over him in the past (unlike you …)
(Feel free to add your own coercive experience to this list)
One of the most common sexual control tactics an abuser uses is the “alarm clock” method. Perhaps this will sound familiar to you, or perhaps you can take pieces of the tactic and see some of your own situation mirrored in it. The following is an excerpt from my upcoming book, Don’t Plant Your Seeds Among Thorns: A Catholic’s Guide to Domestic Abuse: