Stop Apologizing
“Take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ.” (2 Cor. 10:5)
I have long hair—very long and very thick. Ok, let’s be honest: frizzy is perhaps the best way to describe my unruly mop, and it often gets in the way. Recently when I was closing the blinds in my living room as evening was settling in, I walked past the fireplace. As I did so my hair swung forward and upended the Elf on a Shelf who was innocently minding his own business on the mantle.
I caught the poor fellow just before he hit the floor, and then proceeded to apologize to him for my blunder. “Sorry—so sorry!” escaped my lips before I realized what I’d done.
I’d just apologized to a stuffed elf.
Apologizing unnecessarily is a great fault of mine, an ingrained habit that I’m trying to change. My daughter once gently pointed out this awry character trait by telling me, “You didn’t do anything wrong. Please don’t apologize!” to which I duly responded, “I’m sorry!”
Obviously this is quite an issue.
Why do some of us over-apologize and how can we learn healthier ways of expressing ourselves?
There can be many reasons why over-apologizing is a go-to habit. It could have been something that was taught to us in childhood, or the result of trauma. Low self-esteem, social anxiety, co-dependency, a driving need to please other people or perfectionism also cause people to over-apologize.
However, in the line of work I do, what I see most often is fear. Individuals blurt out “I’m sorry” when they did nothing wrong in an effort to appease another person, as well as in an effort to avoid conflict. However, in the long run, being a chronic apologizer actually causes more chaos within disordered relationships.
The Negative Effects of Over-Apologizing
If you tend to apologize with the hope of appeasing someone in your life who is emotionally, verbally or psychologically mistreating you, your effort to quell conflict will likely backfire. Saying you’re sorry for something you didn’t do will actually normalize the negative behavior you’re experiencing, and give a clear signal to the one mistreating you that their behavior is acceptable. They’ll assume they’re in the right—yet again—and that you’re the problem. And they won’t hesitate to remind you of this, often and repeatedly.
Over-apologizing:
will give the person manipulating you an excuse to shift the blame onto you.
is a form of admitting you were in the wrong—even though you weren’t.
will open yourself up to being abused further and to having your kind heart taken advantage of.
tends to lead to a diminished sense of self.
when habitual, your personal voice and self-worth may become undermined or dismissed.
Over-apologizing also creates more stress, confusion and doubt about a situation. When you apologize unnecessarily, you’ll begin to wonder if something truly was your fault, which will make you more prone to gaslighting.
Never apologize for setting boundaries, and don’t be bullied into letting your boundaries fall by the wayside. Safeguarding your soul and your heart is of utmost importance.