Stonewalling vs. Safeguarding: Learn the Differences
When we hear the term “stonewalling,” we most often think of it as a negative thing. It doesn’t feel good to be the recipient of a loved one’s cold shoulder, and those who purposely stonewall often do so in order to maintain personal control. Their goal is to penetrate the emotional strength of their target so they can cause destabilization, fear and doubt. This allows them to increase their power over any given situation.
If you’re in a chronically chaotic relationship, you may have found yourself “stonewalling” in situations that feel out of control. This happens when we’re frozen, too overwhelmed to respond, or disassociating due to trauma. It’s not a method of manipulation—it’s a way of safeguarding the soul against the wickedness and snares of abuse and withdrawing the vulnerable heart from further harm. Even Jesus withdrew when necessary.
“So they took up stones to throw at Him; but Jesus hid Himself, and went out of the temple.”
(John 8:59)
Harmful stonewalling is when someone purposely grows silent and cold, which often leads to an extended silent treatment for hours or even days after a conflict is over. This form of punishment is designed to force the victim to drop their boundaries, take the blame for an ongoing situation, and to maintain a sense of power. It can take the form of:
Avoiding eye contact
Refusing physical contact
Not speaking, refusing to answer even simple questions
Leaving the room or the house, often in a stony and very cold manner
Healthy emotional withdrawal can also take the form of avoiding eye contact, using the “grey rock” technique (using simple “yes” or “no” answers without elaborating further), leaving the room or house, etc.
However, the crucial difference between manipulative stonewalling and safeguarding the soul is the intent, not the outward appearances.
The intent of stonewalling is further control and manipulation; the intent of safeguarding the soul through withdrawal is to stay safe—and sane.
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”
(Prov. 4:23)
When intentionally harmful, stonewalling is a shutting down of emotions, conversation and interactions for the purpose of punishing another. There’s no accountability when stonewalling is used as an abusive tactic. The motivations are power-over, further gaslighting and intentional manipulation. This is different from withdrawing in a healthy way, with the intentions of establishing safety, de-escalating the situation, and trying to prevent further harm.
Safeguarding the soul through healthy withdrawal can also happen unintentionally when a person is emotionally overloaded, chronically dysregulated due to repetitive conflicts, or in the “freeze” mode of the trauma response.
Emotional Abuse
I’m often asked if stonewalling is a form of emotional abuse. The answer isn’t as clear-cut as I’d like to be, because of the confusion over what stonewalling is—and what it isn’t. Often a victim of abuse will fear they’re being abusive themselves when they need to withdraw for safety reasons, or when they’re so overloaded they’re unable to respond. They assume that because they’re “stonewalling,” they’re being manipulative.
Yet nothing could be further from the truth. Withdrawing for healthy reasons isn’t stonewalling, it’s safeguarding.
“A prudent man sees danger and hides himself; but the simple go on, and suffer for it.”
(Prov. 22:3)
When Language Goes Offline
If we’re shutting down unintentionally during high or prolonged conflict, our nervous systems are giving us a clear signal: no more. Our bodies simply cannot handle more trauma, and emotional withdrawal becomes a way of escaping further or potential danger.
That’s not abuse—it’s the result of abuse.
One primary reason we may find ourselves shut down during high-conflict situations—especially if the conflicts are recurring—is because our brain literally goes offline. The prefrontal cortex becomes sluggish and less active, which makes it very difficult to think clearly and to form the correct words. Blood flow moves from the parts of the brain that control language and reasoning in order to shift to the survival systems.
In other words, our bodies are more focused on survival than on describing what survival looks like.
The Broca’s area of the brain—the part that forms speech and grammar, and aids in comprehending language—goes offline. We can’t describe what we’re feeling, we can’t even think of the proper words.
This type of withdrawal isn’t a conscious choice, nor is it a tool of manipulation. It’s our nervous system trying to protect us, and it’s completely out of our control. We freeze, like a deer caught in headlights—unable to figure out what to do, what to say, where to go.
When the language center of our brain goes offline, it’s not a form of manipulation—it’s neurobiology.
If you feel you’re spiraling into shutdown mode there are a few things you can do to try to prevent total freeze.
If possible, remove yourself from the situation. Before language shuts down entirely, say something like, “I’m getting overwhelmed and need to take a break.” Always make sure to word your sentences in “I” phrases rather than “you” to avoid more conflict.
Go for a walk or some other form of physical exercise.
Splash cold water on your face or hold an ice cube for a few minutes.
To recap:
True stonewalling is a form of emotional abuse because:
It’s a pattern used to control or manipulate others
The goal isn’t to safeguard the self from further conflict, but to destabilize others—which makes them easier to gaslight and control
It’s a way of punishing another into blind submission
The tactic purposely causes the target to experience anxiety and fear (of abandonment, further retaliation, harm to the children, financial withdrawal, etc.)
There’s no remorse or apology
“Stonewalling” isn’t abuse when:
It isn’t truly stonewalling—it’s withdrawing for safety reasons
It’s an unintentional shutting down out of fear of further abuse
It’s caused by “flooding”—when the nervous system gets overloaded and cannot properly respond
Recognizing the difference between manipulative stonewalling and healthy safeguarding can help you combat feelings of misplaced guilt and regain your inner balance. Remember, it’s not you—it’s your situation.
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Great article, Jenny. It makes sense to those of us who have experienced it— on either end—sometimes withdrawal is safeguarding or simply emotional overwhelm, not malicious withholding or manipulation. Relationships that are healthy can make it through the rupture and repair cycle and respect the dance of distance-approach.