Separation, Abuse and Determining Change
Deciding to separate can sometimes be the most healing thing you can do not only for yourself, but your entire family--including your spouse.
Note: This article deals with the topic of marital separation. Separation is an extremely difficult choice that requires prayer, discernment and fortitude. It’s not the right path for everyone, but for many it’s the only alternative. This post is written for those who have discerned that separation is God’s will for their family, and have made the difficult decision to leave (or have been left).
Let’s face it: Abuse works. That’s why individuals who use power and manipulation to control their relationships continue to persist in their harmful behavior—because they can get away with it and because it enables them to get what they want. It’s God’s will that spouses help each other become holy, and sometimes the best way to do that is through marital separation. Staying in an abusive dynamic permits further abuse to continue, while separating can provide rest and healing.
Separation doesn’t mean there will necessarily be an eventual divorce, although if the abusive spouse isn’t willing to get the long-term help they need to stop their maladaptive behaviors, divorce is often the only recourse.
In some cases, separation may be the necessary wake-up call to help an abusive spouse realize and acknowledge the grave harm he’s been inflicting upon his partner. This humble awakening can, in rare cases, lead him to seek permanent Christ-centered help and healing—which is a topic I cover in a separate Substack blog, Winter is Past.
The goals of separation include:
Safety. This includes not just physical safety but also emotional, psychological and spiritual safety. However, remember that the most dangerous time for survivors of intimate partner violence is when they talk about separation (which is often not recommended), and when they actually leave. Be aware of this by making a solid safety plan (see my book, Don’t Plant Your Seeds Among Thorns, for a sample safety plan) and seek professionals in your area who can help. You can also call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE(7233). Their website is https://www.thehotline.org.
Healing. It’s difficult to heal while still living daily with abuse because your nervous system is constantly in survival mode, walking on eggshells. Separation helps calm the inner storm so you can gather the necessary resources to begin your healing journey.
Relief. Even though there may be post-separation abuse, this stress is different and in many ways easier to handle. You’re not constantly under attack, on edge, and afraid of your spouse’s presence in the home.
Clarity. Separation is a stage in your marriage in which you’ll be able to determine whether or not your spouse is willing or able to completely transform his behavior and make a full recovery.