Protective Boundaries Against the Entitlement Surge
"The soul that loves in a disorderly way becomes insupportable to itself. Disorderly love is self-love." (St. Catherine of Siena)
We can learn a great deal from the saints—including how to set boundaries with close friends who may be covertly hiding a darker side to their personality.
At the end of World Between Worlds, my novel based on the early life of St. Catherine (Caterina) of Siena, I introduced a new character into her circle of disciples. Frate Simone da Cortona was a shy and insecure man, and as he began following Caterina he progressively developed an unhealthy attachment to her. Viewing her as his spiritual “Mamma”—as many of her disciples did—he took what could have been a beneficial spiritual relationship into the realm of, as Caterina herself worded it, “selfish love.”
And then something traumatic happened. We don’t know what, but it was such a big incident that Simone was no longer welcomed into Caterina’s inner circle.
Based on surviving letters and historical information, Frate Simone of Cortona has been described as deeply insecure, over-sensitive, melancholy and extremely dependent upon the acceptance and affection of others. According to professor Arrigo Levasti in his book, My Servant Catherine, Simone was also prone to violent outbursts and “twinges of jealousy which tormented him.”
From his own account of himself, Frate Simone da Cortona was a melancholy and sensitive youth, tormented by shyness, self-consciousness, and religious scruples … Once, when [a group of Caterina’s disciples] were visiting her, the other friars forgot all about him, and left him outside; Caterina called for him, and he, abashed and mortified, would not go in … He went to bed, very angry and miserable.
(Edmund Gardner, St. Catherine of Siena: A Study in the Religion, Literature, and History of the Fourteenth Century in Italy)
It’s possible that Simone’s insecurity caused him to verbally attack other disciples in Caterina’s circle, and even Caterina herself. Jealousies are common among people who suffer from feelings of shame and inadequacy (see my article, “Even Though Abuse Tactics are Universal, the Motives of Domestic Abusers Aren’t the Same”). If Caterina showed particular affection to another of her disciples—such as Neri di Landuccio Pagliaresi, one of her chief scribes and a disciple she affectionately called her “special son”—Simone’s shame and insecurities could have taken hold of his senses and caused him to lash out in a verbal tirade.
I imagine this incident could well describe what Dr. Craig Malkin calls “the entitlement surge.” In Rethinking Narcissism he writes:
Subtle narcissism is marked by an entitlement surge—those moments when a normally understanding friend or partner or coworker angrily behaves as if the world owes them. It’s usually triggered by a sudden fear that their special status has been threatened in some way.
Caterina’s firm but loving response to Simone after this outburst is interesting to note. She didn’t tolerate such abusive behavior, and Simone was justifiably expelled from her inner circle of friends. She stood her ground and firmly kept her boundaries intact, while at the same time she harbored no resentment, making it clear that, if Simone authentically repented and resolved never to repeat his toxic attitudes and behavior, he would be welcomed back as a spiritual son.
Caterina’s generosity wasn’t a form of weakness, nor was it naivety regarding the authenticity of Simone’s inner state. Instead, she demanded rigorous self-evaluation and honest repentance. In her typically blunt yet loving style, Caterina wrote a letter to Frate Simone shortly after the incident. In the letter she urged him to release all his earthly attachments and to “get rid of the cloud of selfish love, the perverse cloud that utterly deprives us of all light.”
In a letter to Neri di Landuccio Pagliaresi, Simone admitted
I marvel at how much you think of me, unhappy wretch that I am, because I am so much obsessed with my baseness, no longer enjoying the perfume which nourished me. Well do I know I have strayed from every good way. But know that had the time been better, and I could have found a little relief, I should not have been able to refrain from writing to you more often; besides, know that to write to you or any other servant of God would shame me very much at present, considering my misery. May God keep you and Mamma Caterina in His grace.
We don’t know whether or not Simone was able to humbly and permanently alter his behavior, release his unhealthy attachments and insecurities, and overcome his temptation to verbally lash out at his loved ones. In my book, Don’t Plant Your Seeds Among Thorns, I point out that
We’re all given free will as a gift and grace from God. The true question isn’t can someone change, but whether or not they’re willing to go through the hard work and self-reflection required for authentic transformation … Authentic change must begin with a foundation of humility … Humility, honesty, openness, and a willingness to confess each and every abusive behavior and attitude are crucial components of change.
Based on historical evidence I have my own theories about how the Simone saga was resolved, which I’ll flesh out in the sequel to World Between Worlds.
Stay tuned for updates on my research, travel updates, and notes on the writing process.
Although we can’t know historically what happened to Frate Simone, what we do know is that in this relationship—as in all others—Caterina kept to her firm boundaries without wavering. She regarded boundaries as acts of charity, which is exactly what all healthy boundaries are. When we love someone, we can’t afford to tolerate their toxic behavior.
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As someone who is working hard to keep boundaries firm, I find this an encouraging post. It’s astounding, however, how often people will try to use the Scriptures as a battering ram to break down boundaries. “That’s not what Jesus would do” and “Jesus said to forgive”, and the like. Clearly St Catherine forgave Frate Simone. But forgiveness doesn’t mean the offender is allowed back into your life or trust. That requires recognition of the evil done, repentance, accountability and true conversion. And the one offended gets to decide if and when the conditions are met. The Sacrament of Penance is the model for this.