Moving Toward, Not Running Away
When it comes to abusive relationships, it’s inevitable that at some point we reach a breaking point and realize change is necessary. What form that change may take varies from person to person, situation to situation, but eventually the toxic becomes intolerable. Something has to give, and it shouldn’t have to be the giving up of yourself.
Perhaps you’ve begun asking that crucial question, should I stay in this situation or should I finally admit it’s not going to work? This is a purely individual decision, of course—and I realize it’s not as easy as a mere should I stay or should I go? So many other factors come into play—such as safety considerations, financial worries, concerns about the children or pets or the house or the fleeting (yet often returning) hope/obsession, what if he changes and I miss out on something good?
When my clients ask me that question, I remind them that true change comes from the heart and must be initiated by the perpetrator, not through any actions or convincing from you. This conversion must be major—like the Road to Damascus experience of St. Paul—and it takes both utmost humility and a true openness to the graces Christ.
A victim of intimate partner violence shouldn’t continue to tolerate abusive treatment simply for the hope of change. In the rare instances that change actually does happen, each individual in the relationship will need to heal from the toxic damage of abuse before they can even think about coming together again to try to repair the immense destruction perpetrated within the coupleship.
If you’ve had to face this type of life-changing decision, one important mindset to consider is to realize that you’re not running away from your relationship, but are actually moving toward something—mainly a reinvigorated, healthy and stable life.
It’s true that stability and healing won’t happen immediately, but it will happen. Remaining on a Christ-centered path always leads to a glorious resurrection. One of the key ways to re-center yourself and encourage genuine healing is through daily prayer and meditation. Silent and peaceful prayer not only confers spiritual graces, but it also calms the nervous system and helps reset the mind. Scott Hahn, from his book Signs of Life, states: