How to Detach with Love While Maintaining Our Inner Balance
I’ve had countless clients ask me how they can emotionally detach from their spouse when they’re still being barraged by the Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde behavior of coercive control and manipulation. That’s a tricky question, because when we simply shut off our emotions like a water spicket, we drain ourselves from the good as well as the negative. We become numb to the things outside of ourselves, which in turn causes us to become numb on the inside as well.
And that is a very dangerous place to be.
Shutting off all feeling isn’t the answer—detaching from the emotional backlash is the only healthy option. Yet how can we do that?
Easier Said Than Done
In 1377 Caterina of Siena (known as St. Catherine of Siena in English) experienced a series of magnificent mystical conversations with God which she recorded in Il Libro—“the book”—now known as The Dialogue. When describing to Caterina why His faithful servants suffer, God told her:
Patience is proved in the assaults and weariness I allow my servants, and the fire of charity grows in the soul who has compassion for the soul of her abuser. For she grieves more over the offense done to Me and to the harm done to the other person’s soul than over her own hurt.
(Dialogue 145)
This passage can easily be misunderstood, so let’s break open what God the Father is telling Caterina, lest we fall into confusion and despair.
God doesn’t expect us to simply tolerate abuse and unnecessary suffering, and we’re not being impatient or “less than perfect” when we struggle through great trauma. By His gracious mercy God will bring us out of times of trial and into the light of hope, healing and redemption. Yet so, too, will He use our sufferings for our greater good—if we let Him. Also, understand that it’s natural to focus on our own hurt when we’re mistreated, and we should—to some degree. Minimization of our situation is not only unhelpful, but it’s damaging and causes us to sink fast into despair and negative emotions. However, obsessing over our hurt also isn’t helpful. Such sweltering thoughts can cause unhealthy rage and despair, which leads to desolation—and it can even intensify a trauma bond.
To learn more about trauma bonding, read my article, “Sinking the Titanic: Drowning Under the Waves of a Trauma Bond.”
Our Lord doesn’t want us to suffer. He weeps when we weep, groans when we groan. Yet like any loving parent, He permits certain things with one single goal in mind—to make us holy, to bring us closer to perfection within His Sacred Heart.
For this is the will of God: your sanctification.
(1 Thess. 4:3)
So what, exactly, is “the fire of charity” that takes the form of compassion for the soul of our abuser?
What Compassion is—and What it is Not
Compassion:
Is a form of self-care—first and foremost, we need to have compassion for ourselves, which gives us clarity regarding our situation and points the path toward moving forward in a healthy way
Gives us the ability to stay rooted in our Christ-centered mind, which is the place where discernment and wise decision making happens
Helps us develop a sense of disengaged love—we are no longer held captive by the emotions of another
Compassion isn’t:
An excuse for tolerating toxic treatment
A reason to stay in an abusive situation
A “get out of jail free” card for the person perpetrating the abuse
It’s important to understand that this is a compassion for the soul of our abuser, and continuously tolerating abuse isn’t having compassion for their soul. In fact, it’s the opposite, because it’s allowing them to continue in their sin without repercussion. In truth, this “fire of charity” that “grows in the soul who has compassion for the soul of her abuser” is actually an action call to redeem the situation not through unnecessary suffering (i.e. toleration for intolerable behavior) but to separate our clinging emotions from the actions of our abuser in order to heal our inner selves and gain the strength to make whatever changes may be necessary.
Developing the “fire of charity in the soul” by having “compassion for the soul of her abuser” in no way excuses the abuse, nor does it mean we should tolerate it like a doormat, allowing ourselves to be trampled underfoot. Rather, what God is telling Caterina in this passage is that, instead of taking the abuse into our hearts, we should take it to God’s heart.
In World Between Worlds, my novel based on the life of St. Catherine of Siena, I wrote a scene in which Caterina asks God a powerful question:
Immersed in prayer, I speak to God.
Are You tired?
I hear the small, still reply as clear as my own heartbeat. No. No, I am not tired, but I do cry.
The words strike, agonizing and blade-sharp within my breast.
But I do cry.
God does indeed cry. He cries for us when we’re battered and mistreated—and He cries for the soul of those who mistreats us, because they’re far from His saving mercy and are shutting themselves off from the fire of His divine love.
When we grieve over the grief of God rather than dwell in the pain of what has been done to us, we’re able to better come to a radical acceptance of our situation. Again, that acceptance doesn’t mean toleration of abuse—it means we accept where we are, place ourselves in God’s hands and ask Him for the discernment to know what to do next. How can I move forward in grace and healing? What changes does God want me to make in this situation? These are all questions we can face once we reach radical acceptance. Rather than stumbling over the emotional attachment we may feel toward our abuser, when we focus on the damage they are doing to their own souls we allow the fire of charity to grow within us. This helps us to refocus our emotions in a healing, Christ-centered way. We don’t take into our hearts the evil of abuse, but release it to the care of the Lord.
This opens the door to freedom. By releasing our attachment we release our desire to fix the situation (which isn’t within our power anyway) and we release unnecessary suffering. This opens our hearts to the restorative balm of Christ, who truly does heal the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds.
Yet we know we can’t do this on our own. One of Caterina’s most famous teachings is, “I am she who is not; God is the One Who Is.” In other words, we can do nothing on our own—but we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. Ask, and you shall receive. Ask Christ for the grace of true compassion—not compassion for bad behavior, but compassion for the darkened soul of our abuser, because as long as they continue in their actions, they’re rejecting the True Light.
Special Offer!
If you’re intrigued by the life of St. Catherine of Siena and want to learn more, my adaptation of her early life (part one of a two book series) is currently on sale when you purchase directly from my website.
Learn more about World Between Worlds: A Novel Based on the Early Life of Caterina, the Mystic of Siena.
You can also purchase on Amazon using my affiliate link.
