How Healthy Relationships Can Help You Discern If You’re in an Abusive Situation
We come to know what something is by studying its opposite: we understand light only because we’ve become familiar with dark, just as we understand what true joy is because of our suffering.
The same is true for relationships. We can come to discern whether or not our relationship is healthy by understanding exactly what healthy interactions look like.
In a recent interview with Angela Erickson of Integrated with Angela, we discussed healthy arguments versus those that lead to further conflict due to manipulative use of abusive tactics such as circular talk, blame shifting, word salad, and other forms of gaslighting.
Watch my first interview with Angela Erickson
How can you tell if the disagreements you have with your partner are normal relationship spats, or if they cross the boundary into toxicity?
The best way to determine whether you’re in a normal versus an abusive relationship is to learn what healthy interactions look like. Quite often we aren’t even aware of what normal relationships are, especially if we grew up with family dynamics that included abuse, controlling behaviors, or other forms of dysfunction.
Happily Ever After?
Let’s face it—all marriages are going to have difficulties. We live in a fallen world, and we’re fallen human beings—which means we make mistakes, say hurtful things to others that we don’t really mean, become irritated, angry or frustrated at something our partner does or says, or any other manner of common slights and areas of disagreement.
This is normal—it’s par for the course when being married to another human being. “Happily ever after” exists in fairy tales, and fairy tales aren’t real. They may reflect what we wish to be true, but they’re not truth themselves.
When interactions cross the fence between normal marital discord and unhealthy abuse, constant inner chaos is the result. Even when outwardly there’s a reprieve and things seem calm—such as in the “honeymoon / hoover” stage of the abuse cycle—inner chaos and confusion are still causing you to feel off kilter.
Yet how can you truly know whether or not your relationship is actually abusive, verses “merely” difficult?
Here are a few red flags to look out for:
The same arguments keep repeating themselves over and over again. No matter what you do to try to explain, defend, or appease, nothing gets resolved.
During conflicts, you’re persistently accused of being the one at fault; you’re told that if you weren’t so controlling, selfish, unwilling to listen, stubborn, or [fill in the blank], then none of this would have happened …
Your needs, feelings, and desires are either ignored or disparaged.
Word salad seems to be a frequent part of your conversations, especially when you need to talk about something serious or express your concerns about an issue.
After conflicts, you end up feeling worse and more confused than before.
There’s no give-and-take in your relationship—you give, your partner takes, and you’re left feeling depleted, as if all the spirit has been drained out of you.
Your partner will intensify conflicts until, just to make it all stop, you finally give in to whatever they’re demanding of you.
You’re not allowed to have an opinion that differs from your partner’s—and if you do express a difference of opinion, no matter how mildly you do so, an argument will ensue. This argument won’t let up—and usually involves a great deal of word salad—until out of confusion or exhaustion you simply agree with whatever is being said.
If the conflict gets too intense or is going nowhere and you try to disengage, your partner blocks the doors so you can’t leave or follows you around, not allowing you to find safe place for yourself. This causes you to feel unsafe not only in the moment, but in the relationship in general.
Your partner refuses to be supportive of your goals and refuses to acknowledge accomplishments—or your partner claims to support your goals, but later sabotages your efforts or otherwise makes them uncomfortable to pursue.
During an argument, your partner will tell you you’re being “over sensitive” and will mock or criticize your feelings.
Signs that the conflicts with your partner are healthy include:
Both of you are willing to compromise, and both seek healthy resolution to your disagreements.
You respect each other’s opinions and needs, and empathetically listen when the other is speaking.
There’s a give-and-take to your conversations—your partner doesn’t merely talk at you, but talks with you. This means remaining silent when you’re expressing your needs and point of view, and responding with a healthy dialogue about their own feelings and needs.
Conflict is usually resolved quickly. There’s no blame or resentment after the resolution, and the issue isn’t brought up again as a means of weaponization and control.
If your partner questions any of your actions, decisions or beliefs, it’s done with good intentions and a genuine desire to understand you better, as well as to reach a resolution—not to place blame or accusations in a demanding or demeaning way.
Remember the acronym JADE: Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain.
In a healthy relationship, justifying your actions through mutual communication, arguing your point of view in a reasonable and non-abrasive manner, explaining your actions, and defending yourself when unwarranted accusations have been presented to you are all ways of resolving a conflict. When done in love, mutual admiration, and with empathetic listening skills, a couple can learn to understand one another and thus strengthen their relationship through nourishing modes of communication.
If you attempt to JADE in an abusive relationship, further blame and accusation will be hurled your way. You’ll end up engaged in higher and higher levels of conflict, and no amount of explanation will make a dent in the armor of your partner’s abusive mindset.
If you’ve noticed a pervasive pattern of toxic interactions in your relationship and suspect you may be in an abusive situation, first and foremost know that you’re not to blame. Despite what your partner may say, you’re not the cause of the tensions and conflicts. Educating yourself on what abuse is—and what it isn’t—as well as finding a community of trusted, supportive friends and loved ones is the first step along your healing journey.
My book, Don’t Plant Your Seeds Among Thorns: A Catholic’s Guide to Recognizing and Healing from Domestic Abuse (En Route Books & Media, 2024) is a good start to help you recognize the red flags of abuse and to gain insight on what the Church teaches about abusive relationships, as well as ways to seek help and healing. I also co-facilitate a domestic abuse support group through Hope’s Garden—a Catholic women’s community where you can seek hope and healing through the love of Jesus, our Divine Bridegroom. If this group feels like a good fit for you, don’t hesitate to contact me with any questions.
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This is immensely helpful and clarifying!!!!