How Emotional Starvation Breeds Dangerous Leadership (Part 2)
Recognizing Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing: Why narcissists hide behind virtue, and how the faithful can protect themselves.
Note from Jenny:
In this second installment of Bernhard Streisselberger’s treatment of the emotional causes of dangerous leadership—whether that leadership be in the public sphere or privately within homes—he explains how to recognize and understand toxic narcissism.
Learn more about Bernhard and the coaching cohort groups he’ll be offering in September 2026.
It’s true that narcissism appears to be on the rise, both within our broader society and within the Church itself—a genuine pandemic of what Jesus described as “cold and stony hearts” (Mt 24:11-12). Yet it remains essential to distinguish between normal human sinfulness and true pathology.
Bullying behavior often comes from a wounded heart—from a sinner who, when confronted, may apologize, repent, convert, reconcile, and convincingly repair the relationship. In contrast, pathological narcissism displays none of these markers of healing authentically; there is no real empathy, no compassion, no capacity for true intimacy, and no real willingness to take responsibility. The narcissist will certainly try to impress you with virtue signaling and love-bombing. Very soon after, however, one observes only blame-shifting, control and pathological defensiveness. Narcissism is a true psychological and spiritual pathology, not a condition that everyone suffers from in some minor form.
Paradoxically, the most dangerous narcissists are often those who function exceptionally well in society. Low-functioning narcissists are easier to recognize due to their crude demeanor, whereas high-functioning, high-IQ narcissists can effectively hide their pathology behind charisma, embedding themselves within institutions and even leadership roles, making them far more difficult to identify and address.1
Understanding the Narcissistic Structure
Dr. Mariéle Wulf emphasizes that narcissism is not merely vanity or a desire for attention. Rather, it is a structural disorder of the self, rooted in early childhood attachment trauma. At the moment of the trauma, psychological development stops, preventing the ego and conscience from maturing normally.2 This dysfunction creates a rigid inner framework where the individual cannot receive love authentically, yet desperately seeks validation and excessive attention. Over time, this condition fundamentally destroys relationships with others, with God, and ultimately with themselves.
Wulf describes the development of narcissism as an inner vicious circle. Unable to process the painful early attachment trauma, the child develops a defensive structure where they oscillate between feeling like a helpless victim and adopting the role of an aggressor to regain control. This internal dynamic solidifies into a personality structure that perceives the world through a concentric lens: everything exists only in relation to the missing self, a bottomless pit, an astronomical black hole within the soul. Others are not recognized as independent persons with their own dignity and interior lives, but rather as objects to attend to their desperate need for attention and emotional regulation.3
Identifying Overt and Covert Narcissists
According to Dr. Les Carter’s checklist, overt narcissists display consistent patterns: a constant need for self-promotion and admiration, an exaggerated sense of superiority or grandiosity, entitlement expecting special treatment, and an inability or refusal to admit fault.4 Relational dynamics reveal additional warning signs: extreme sensitivity to criticism which can trigger rage or vindictive retaliation, frequent devaluation of others, chronic jealousy and envy, controlling behavior, and manipulative tactics including guilt-tripping, gaslighting, and lying.5
Covert narcissists display a more insidious pattern. Their core characteristics include: an appearance of humility or steadiness that masks internal egotism and a rigid need for control through victimhood, a profound lack of genuine empathy where their preferences consistently trump others’ needs, and tight emotional defenses designed to protect an impenetrable false self.6
These individuals stubbornly refuse flexibility or compromise. Their relational dynamics reveal how they weaponize vulnerability to manipulate others: passive attempts to extract praise through guilt-tripping or self-deprecation, punitive withdrawal via silent treatment when denied admiration, and “friendly” public jabs disguised as humor to undermine others without accountability.7
The Three Circles of a Narcissist’s Environment
The narcissist constructs their social world not around love or genuine connection, but around a rigid hierarchy of control designed to protect a fragile, injured ego. This structure manifests as three concentric circles. Crucially, these circles are not static stages but simultaneous, shifting realities; a person can be adored in one moment and annihilated the next, depending solely on whether they serve the narcissist’s need for security or threaten their constructed reality. The only logic one can observe is excessive, pathological self-defense.8
In the Inner Circle, the narcissist surrounds themselves with absolutely loyal “chosen ones” who serve as an extension of the self, validating the narcissist’s existence through unconditional submission and secrecy. The Second Circle consists of admirers, beneficiaries, or those the narcissist has convinced to provide a steady stream of “supply.” As long as individuals remain within these spheres, they are treated well. However, this safety is conditional and transactional; the moment an individual steps out of line, the illusion shatters instantly.9
This abrupt shift marks the terrifying entry into the Third Circle, the realm of total destruction. When a person crosses the invisible line from being a source of supply to being perceived as a threat, they are psychologically exiled. The former beloved is transformed into an enemy, subjected to ruthless gaslighting, character assassination, isolation, and often financial, legal or social warfare. The speed and intensity of this transition are what make the narcissist so unpredictable and dangerous.10
Gaslighting: Twisting Reality or Even God Himself
One of the most destructive tools in the narcissist’s arsenal is gaslighting. The American Psychological Association defines it as manipulating another person into doubting their perceptions, experiences, or understanding of events.11 Originally referring to extreme manipulation aimed at inducing mental illness, the term now broadly describes tactics that erode a victim’s trust in their own reality. It pathologizes perfectly normal reactions, particularly the simple act of noticing a narcissist’s lies.
Dismissals like “You are too sensitive,” “You are crazy,” or even “You are so narcissistic” are common. Many narcissists study psychology not to heal but to manipulate, co-opting the language of emotional affirmation to insist that loving them more will make them change.12 However, due to their self-centered pathology, they are incapable of genuine reciprocity. No amount of affirmation is ever enough; it falls into a bottomless pit, leaving you exhausted and self-doubting while they remain unchanged. The turning point comes when you realize that everything the narcissist accuses you of is in fact true of themselves; and that realization is when you begin to reclaim your power.
In religious contexts, gaslighting takes on a theological dimension. Narcissistic leaders weaponize the distinction between value judgment and factual discernment, citing Matthew 7:1 (“Judge not, that you be not judged”) to shame critics into silence.
A healthy faith community encourages factual discernment; evaluating whether a leader’s actions align with Gospel values and moral truth. But a narcissistic leader conflates legitimate observation with sinful gossip or value judgment, reframing factual inconsistencies as spiritual failures: “You lack trust,” “You are being divisive,” “You are disobedient.” This hijacks the victim’s conscience, forcing a choice between trusting one’s own reality or submitting to the abuser’s narrative. And when the narcissist is a representative of Christ speaking with perceived divine authority, the trauma compounds exponentially. The abuser conflates his voice with the voice of God, making escape from the narcissist feel indistinguishable from abandonment of faith itself.
Coping Strategies: Practical Wisdom for the Faithful
Dr. Ramani Durvasula and other experts recommend several evidence-based approaches:13
Radical Acceptance: Acknowledge that you can neither save nor fix the narcissist. Their pathology runs too deep. Be careful not to call out their pathology; doing so may trigger narcissistic rage.
Greyrock Method: Become uninteresting to the narcissist by responding minimally, showing no emotional reaction, and avoiding sharing personal information.
Soul Distancing: Actively seek affirmation, support, and community outside the toxic environment. Wherever possible, simply and quietly walk away.
The DEEP Technique for Disengagement: When direct interaction is unavoidable, practice disciplined non-engagement:
Don’t Defend yourself
Don’t Engage in discussions
Don’t Explain yourself (particularly not vulnerably)
Don’t Personalize the shaming, blaming, and gaslighting.
If you defend, explain, engage, or personalize, it will only be weaponized against you.14
The Three “R’s” of Accountability: Narcissists can be held accountable by three external forces.
Rulers (those with the authority to sanction them)
Rules (clear policies that limit interpretation)
Reality (irrefutable facts that dismantle their distorted worldview)15
Become an archivist of this truth. Meticulously save every email, text, screenshot, and note. These materials must be secured in a location the narcissist will never find; such as a password-protected external drive or a safe deposit box. If the narcissist discovers the trail, the target could be placed in grave emotional, psychological, and even physical danger.
Another complementary approach: remove emotion entirely from transactions. Use short words and treat interactions like a business deal. “No is a full sentence.”16
Finally, remember what Jesus said: “Behold, I am sending you like sheep in the midst of wolves; so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves” (Mt 10:16). Wisdom here means prudence: the ability to recognize danger and protect oneself and others from harm.
The Affirmed Heart Journey is a a 10-week guided journey toward emotional maturity, interior freedom, and sincere self-gift—with workbook, weekly group coaching, and community support.
Click here to learn more about Bernhard’s Coaching Cohort group and join the wait list.
Claudia Mariéle Wulf, Narcissists Are Everywhere! How They Function, How to Deal with Them, How to Escape from Them (St. Gallen, Switzerland: Lumen Cordium GmbH, 2025), 19–20.
Ibid., 28-29.
Ibid. 30-34.
Les Carter, “The Narcissist Checklist: Identifying Narcissism,” Surviving Narcissism, March 17, 2020.
Ibid.
Les Carter, “Understanding The Covert Narcissist,” Surviving Narcissism, February 10, 2020.
Ibid.
Wulf, Narcissists Are Everywhere, 61-62.
Ibid., 62-74.
Ibid., 74-77.
American Psychological Association, “Gaslight,” APA Dictionary of Psychology, November 15, 2023, accessed August 27, 2025.
Jenny duBay, personal communication, May 2026.
Ramani Durvasula, “Strategies Narcissists Use To Minimize Your Self Trust,” video, March 26, 2024, Surviving Narcissism.
Ramani Durvasula, “Narcissism and the Deep Technique,” video, April 30, 2021.
Wulf, Narcissists Are Everywhere, xvi.
Tamie M. Joyce, “What to Say to a Narcissist To Shut Them Down Permanently,” video, March 12, 2021.
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