Healing the Wound of Shame
At various points in our lives, we’ll all experience shame—that deep feeling of unworthiness, the core wound of being somehow defective, bad, or otherwise inadequate. These feelings may come and go, and not become a part of our system—but if we’re repeatedly told, in either words or actions, that we’re unworthy of love, respect or healthy attention, the sense of shame will become chronic, infecting our idea of who we are and what we deserve in the world.
When our shame derives from the continued verbal and emotional abuse of others, it becomes a heavy burden and an active wound.
Shame most often results from the lies others have infused into our hearts, lies we’ve taken on as if they were truths. A negative self-dialogue may develop when we internally repeat falsehoods such as “I’m not good enough,” “I don’t matter,” “I’m unlovable,” “I can’t do anything right,” “I’m a bad person,” and more.
In truth, all these perceptions are distortions and lies. The lies likely developed in childhood, especially in cases of neglect, abandonment, overly-controlling parents, and other abuses. For example, in the case of parental neglect, our little minds assume that if our parents don’t pay attention to us, they must not love us. If they don’t love us, there must be something wrong with us—for surely our parents know best. As children we tend to put our mother and father on a pedestal, because that’s the safe thing to do—after all, we rely on them for our emotional, physical and spiritual security. If they can’t be trusted, our world falls apart—and so we trust blindly, convinced our parents are always in the right, so we must be wrong—and bad. Or defective. Or unlovable.
Fast forward two or three decades, and we find ourselves in a serious relationship.
We’re injured, but may not even know it; we hurt, but can’t feel the pain. Not realizing that an inner core wound of shame pervades our beinghood, we enter marriage full throttle, the gleam of new love invigorating us—especially if we’ve been love bombed. Or perhaps the gleam is already gone yet coercion is involved, and we feel a sense of obligation to marry. Either way, those inner wounds of shame still exist, and are still covertly affecting us.
When the abuse cycle becomes apparent and we’re immersed in the dangerous dynamic, that underlying shame tends to become more apparent as our sense of self continues to erode. It’s also reinforced by our current situation in the form of both verbal and emotional abuse—either we’re told outright in a variety of ways that we’re not lovable, or we told by certain looks, gestures and other behaviors that we're not good enough.
If we have a history of feeling unloved by our primary caregivers, this current affront not only creates new wounds, but breaks past wounds wide open.
Shame comes from a feeling—or a knowledge—of being used as a person rather than being loved.
“A person’s rightful due is to be treated as an object of love, not as an object for use … using a person as a means to an end would conflict with justice ... Anyone who treats a person as the means to an end does violence to the very essence of the other, to what constitutes its natural right ... we must never treat a person as the means to an end."
(Pope John Paul II, Love and Responsibility)
How to Heal Shame
Recognize its source. Deep inner healing is painful, yet necessary—and worth it. I recommend finding a Catholic coach trained in inner healing techniques to help you sift through the wounds and begin to heal them in a Christ-centered way.
Renounce the lies. The building blocks of shame are lies that others have embedded within you, which you now embody as if they’re true. They are not true. They’re lies. Reject and renounce each lie as it comes into your awareness. For example, if you make a mistake and “I’m so stupid” immediately pops into your mind, silently (or out loud, if possible) repeat “In the name of Jesus I renounce the lie that I’m stupid.” Then, allowing peace to fill your heart, follow up with “In the name of Jesus I take back the truth that He has created me with a sound, intelligent mind.” Keep doing this as often as you need—eventually the repetition will create new neuropathways in your brain, and you’ll begin to automatically think in positive, shame-free ways.
“Let yourself be loved! The soul cannot live without love because love is the stuff she’s made of, and through love God has created her” (St. Elizabeth of the Trinity & St. Caterina of Siena). This love begins with self. Realizing how beloved you are by the Beloved—not just with your head, but with your heart—repels all evils and lies. Pray for the grace to feel loved by your Divine Bridegroom. “How beautiful you are, My love, how beautiful you are!” Jesus sings to us in the Song of Songs. Pray for the grace to see yourself as He sees you.
Since shame causes self-isolation, one of the best antidotes to shame is safe connection with others. This can be difficult when shame overwhelms the system, but stepping out and sharing your story can be a powerful way to dismantle it and to eradicate any unnecessary burdens you may be carrying. This is especially true if you’re carrying the shame of another person as if it’s yours, as is commonly the case in abusive situations. Knowing who is safe and where you can share—in a healing and positive environment—will go a long way in repairing a loss of self and the confusion caused by the burden of unnecessary shame. Feeling the empathy of others can help you feel empathy for yourself. To quote St. Thomas Aquinas in the Summa Theologiae: “When one is in pain, it is natural that the sympathy of a friend should afford consolation. Since sorrow has a depressing effect, it is like a weight whereof we strive to unburden ourselves: so that when a person sees others saddened by his own sorrow, it seems as though others were bearing the burden with him, striving, as it were, to lessen its weight; wherefore the load of sorrow becomes lighter and he sees that he is loved by them.”
Change your perspective. Instead of believing the distortions and lies of others, focus on looking at yourself and your situation through God’s eyes. Remember that He bore your shame on the Cross so you don’t have to carry it any longer. Allowing that truth to settle into your heart and take root there will push out the feelings of shame in order to make room for the Truth—you were created by Love, for love, and are worthy of love.
Expose shame to the light—and to the Light. Rather than trying to avoid or bury shame, recognize all the wounded places within your soul, all the places you feel unworthy, unlovable, damaged or defective. Bring these places to Jesus, inviting Him into each wound. Visualization can be a very powerful form of prayer—envision yourself physically handing over the parts of you that feel shame, and watch Him transform that shame with His healing touch.
Through the blessings and graces of God, through acceptance of His loving care and providence, we can begin to heal the shame that keeps us trapped and develop the freedom to be the person God created us to be.
