Forgiveness After the Trauma of Domestic Abuse
After the sting of betrayal in an abusive relationship, why should we should forgive?
Forgiveness does not mean forgetting the abuse or pretending that it did not happen. Neither is possible. Forgiveness is not permission to repeat the abuse. Rather, forgiveness means that the victim decides to let go of the experience and move on with greater insight and conviction not to tolerate abuse of any kind again.
(USCCB, “When I Call for Help”)
Forgiveness is an art of giving—of giving to ourselves, to our healing, and to our spiritual growth. It’s letting go of anger and resentment, and dissolving any desire for revenge or payback. It’s a release and a relief.
What forgiveness is not is a memory eraser, nor should it be. “Forgive and forget” is an unhealthy attitude, because it’s impossible to forget excruciating trauma, nor should we try.
“Forgetting” in this way is merely burying things rather than from healing them. In order to heal, we can’t avoid our pain. We have to walk directly through the scorching heat of the recovery process. Even after we fully heal, we won’t magically forget the trauma we’ve endured. Instead we’ll remember it, acknowledge how we’ve grown from the suffering we’ve been through, and recall what the abusive situation was like. This allows us not only to avoid similar situations in the future, but also to feel a healthy sense of much-needed empowerment and self-worth, an acknowledgment of the immense strength it takes to emerge from victim to resilient survivor.
Forgiveness is about release: release of toxic attachment to a situation or person, release of having to dwell on what the person said or did, release to create the space to focus on yourself—on your own God-given strengths and talents, healthy hobbies and pursuits, and the development of close ties with supportive and loving friends and family. Jewel, in her brilliant memoir Never Broken: Songs are Only Half the Story, makes the point that forgiveness “is the scissor that cuts the cord that binds you [and your abuser] together.”
Why forgive? He destroyed my sense of self, took away my best years, depleted my spirit. He doesn’t deserve my forgiveness.
Robert D. Enright is one of the leading psychologists in the field of forgiveness. In his book The Forgiving Life: A Pathway to Overcoming Resentment and Creating a Legacy of Love he speaks of the necessity of forgiveness and the dangers of harboring resentment by refusing to forgive. When we’ve been betrayed, controlled, and lied to, we naturally recognize either that a love we once had has been taken from us through manipulative betrayal, or that it never truly existed in the way we thought it had.