St. Catherine of Siena once asked Jesus why, if He was already dead, He had allowed His side to be pierced with a Roman lance. Christ’s answer was simple yet astounding:
“There were plenty of reasons, but I shall tell you one of the chief. My longing for humankind was infinite, but the actual deed of bearing pain and torment was finite and could never show how much more love I had. This is why I wanted you to see My inmost Heart, so that you would see that I love you more than finite suffering could show.
(Dialogue 75)
It’s within the open side of Christ that the secret of His Sacred Heart is revealed. This is the cleft of the rock where we can hide ourselves, sheltered and secure within His divine mercy (Sg. 2:14). This infinite love of Jesus—and the staggering way He showed it—reveals to us how we must love. Even though our love is finite, we still can love with a taste of Christ’s own infinite charity: “With His very own love we must love Him above all else and love our neighbors as we love ourselves” (Letter T318 to Sano di Maco).
The classic definition of authentic love comes from St. Thomas Aquinas, who wrote in the Summa Theologiae (quoting Aristotle): “To love is to wish good to someone.” Aquinas goes on to clarify that love is a movement “towards the good which a man wishes to someone—to himself or to another.”
“To himself” is the crucial distinction we must all keep in mind.
Yet here’s where things can get tricky. The question isn’t really how (or even how much) we should love our neighbor; the question is, what form does that love take, and what is love in the first place? Is it a feeling, an emotion, a toleration of misbehavior under the guise of “loving one’s neighbor” or “carrying our cross”?
Certainly not. Caterina herself was the first to stand against injustice and abuse. In a bold letter to Pope Gregory XI, after he’d elected less-than-worthy-cardinals who seemed to be more focused on their own secular goals rather than the good of the Church, she writes:
I long to see you a productive tree planted in fertile soil and laden with sweet mellow fruit. For a tree uprooted from the soil (I mean the soil of true self-knowledge) would dry up and bear no fruit … For those who love themselves—whether they are rulers or the ruled—harbor within themselves the evil pride that is the head and origin of all evil. For those who are isolated in their self-centeredness, loving themselves selfishly and not for God, can do nothing but evil; all virtue is dead in them.
(Letter T185)
Caterina also has no qualms about facing those who mistreat others, such as the English mercenary John Hawkwood, who ravished the Tuscan countryside and allowed his troops to inflict all manner of harsh injustices against innocent peasants:
Oh dearest gentlest brother in Christ Jesus, would it be such a great thing for you to withdraw a little into yourself and consider how much pain and anguish you have endured in the devil’s service and pay? Now my soul wants you to change your course and enlist instead the service and cross of Christ crucified … How cruel it is that we who are Christians, members bound together in the body of holy Church, should be persecuting one another! This must not be.
(Letter T140)
While in Rome during the final years of her life, St. Caterina wrote about holy love to Sano di Maco and other spiritual children who had remained home in Siena. She instructs them:
We must show this love in action as He did when He demonstrated His love in suffering … We shall endure pain and disgrace and scorn and vilification, reproach and detraction, and no hurt shall diminish our affectionate charity for those who inflict these things on us. Christ teaches us to grieve more for the harm that comes to them than for our own hurt. In fact, He teaches us to pray to God for them as He did when the Jews crucified Him. He said, ‘Father, forgive them because they do not know what they are doing.’
These words can be easily misunderstood, so we need to unpack what Caterina is—and isn’t—saying.
Enduring “pain and disgrace and scorn and vilification, reproach and detraction” doesn’t mean being a doormat and allowing abusive behavior to torment us physically or emotionally. Jesus in the Temple refused to allow the selfish actions of the money changers to continue, and we must take Him as our example in all things. Rather, enduring the sufferings imposed upon us by others means that instead of seeking vindictive retaliation, we turn to the path of love: willing the good of the other, while also willing the good of ourselves.
“Love your neighbor as yourself” presupposed that we authentically love—and respect—ourselves.
We don’t let our hurt turn to resentment or hatred; we seek justice, not revenge.
Enduring the pain of abusive behavior means admitting the facts of the present moment. The tendency to minimize our situation keeps us locked in the cycle of abuse; if we refuse to admit the truth, we deprive ourselves of healthy solutions. We can’t know where to go if we refuse to see the path before us.
Accepting the present moment also gives us the strength to set firm boundaries while at the same time helping us to remember not to JADE. It certainly does take patience to endure disgrace, scorn, vilification and reproach and not respond with self-Justification, Arguments to the contrary, Defense of oneself, or Explanations. Yet in the face of verbal slander, gaslighting and circular talk, not engaging in the conversation is most often the safest and healthiest thing to do.
Enduring intolerable behavior and tolerating intolerable behavior are two vastly different things.
Enduring intolerable behavior and tolerating intolerable behavior are two vastly different things. To endure in the present moment is to remain strong in Christ’s charity, gathering stamina from His Sacred Heart. It is His Heart that shows us the direction we must take; His Heart leads the way. We can snuggle in the safe clefts of His Heart as we gather the discernment and charity we need to move forward in whatever way He wills.
Tolerating intolerable behavior is the opposite. It weakens us, robbing us of our God-given autonomy as a beloved child made in His image and likeness. Tolerating the intolerable is not God’s plan for our lives; He longs for us to thrive in this life, not merely survive.
Enduring pain doesn’t mean allowing ourselves to be stuck in it. Often one of the most difficult aspects of endurance is praying for those who have harmed us, yet those prayers are what brings freedom and relief to our hearts.
“Christ teaches us to grieve more for the harm that comes [to those who mistreat us] than for our own hurt.” This isn’t to say we should ignore or minimize our own hurt. It’s crucial to pray for ourselves and our healing. However, the beauty of praying for the souls of others—and for the grave harm abuse does to souls of those who harm us—brings healing graces to our own souls. Praying for those who mistreat us doesn’t mean we overlook or forget the bad behavior; instead, it means we fully acknowledge it in all its intensity, recognizing the damage perpetrated against everyone involved.
If you can’t bring yourself to pray for the soul of the person who has mistreated you, that’s ok. Healing is a journey, and acknowledging what step you’re on is part of the process. If you don’t feel like praying for those who have harmed you, pray to God for the grace to want to pray for them. That’s a beautiful first step.
At the beginning of the letter to Sano di Maco, Caterina states that we must show our love in action. Taking action in a loving way looks different for each of us, depending upon our situation. It can mean separating ourselves from the destructive relationship, removing our presence so those who harm us can no longer sin against us. Or it may mean staying in the relationship, yet establishing firmer boundaries and developing the stamina to disengage from certain situations or conversations. A sure litmus test for discerning unhealthy relationships is to ask yourself: Does this relationship bring me closer to God? If not—and especially if the relationship is interfering with your spiritual life—taking action can very well mean praying at a distance.
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Thank you!!!!! This surely helps a lot!!!!!