Embrace What Is by Releasing What Was
How can we release past trauma? How can we forgive (including self), be healed, and move on?
If the pain is too intense or the trauma feels like it’s stuck in the present, it’s easy to remain rooted in freeze mode and minimize your feelings, or ignore them altogether. However, it’s crucial to remember that healing journey isn’t easy, yet it’s worth it. We need to jump in with both feet rather than run away or ignore the wounds of the past.
None of us are born trained in the ways of suffering. Most often we don’t know how to deal with it, which makes the struggle all the more exhausting. It’s like a marathon; you can’t complete the entire race the first time you try. You have to train for it.
I realize that the idea of training for the “marathon” of suffering doesn’t sound like much fun—in fact, it sounds quite dreadful. And it’s not fun—yet it’s necessary.
Releasing the past means running straight through it, and that’s tiresome. Most of us haven’t built up enough stamina for the entire journey. At some point we get stuck and when we do, it feels like we’ve fallen into quicksand. We feel like we can’t move, and we’re sinking.
How do we get unstuck? How can we begin to move forward again?
We can try to limit suffering, to fight against it, but we cannot eliminate it. It is when we attempt to avoid suffering by withdrawing from anything that might involve hurt, when we try to spare ourselves the effort and pain of pursuing truth, love, and goodness, that we drift into a life of emptiness, in which there may be almost no pain, but the dark sensation of meaninglessness and abandonment is all the greater. It is not by sidestepping or fleeing from suffering that we are healed, but rather by our capacity for accepting it, maturing through it and finding meaning through union with Christ, who suffered with infinite love.
(Pope Benedict XVI, Spe Salvi)
Ruminating
First, take a look at exactly where you’re stuck. What’s that all about, deep in the heart of things?
As an example, I used ruminate over the betrayal of an intimate friend. I simply couldn’t believe this person turned out to be someone I could no longer recognize—or, even worse, perhaps they never were the person I thought they were. All my perceptions became now out of whack—my perception not just of this individual, but of myself, my past, even the entire world around me.
The rumination not only kept me stuck, but increased my trauma. I was reliving events that didn’t need to be relived—and that caused me to feel worse, not better.
In order to heal this deep wound, I knew I had to get down to the interior of things. Turning to God in prayer, kneeling in Adoration, I felt compelled to ask myself the tough question of where, exactly, I was stuck. Was I stuck trying to figure out why this person had betrayed me? Or was I actually stuck on self-recrimination and reproach, trying to make sense of how I “allowed” the betrayal in the first place by allowing that person into my life?
Judas came up to Jesus at once and said, “Hail, Master!” And he kissed Him. Jesus said to him, “Friend, why are you here? Would you betray the Son of Man with a kiss?”
(Matt. 26:49-50, Luke 22:48)
Even though I’d been focusing on the why of the betrayal, I realized that the issue was less about what he’d done to me and more about myself—my own reactions, my own perceived culpability. Even though I rationally knew the betrayal wasn’t my fault, my interior heart—broken as it was—persistently placed the blame squarely on my own shoulders.
Self-blame is common in abusive relationships for two reasons. First, it’s easier to blame ourselves than our loved one. After all, if we’re to blame, then we can fix the problem. Blaming ourselves gives us a sense of control. Second, we’re told outright by the one mistreating us that we’re to blame, even when nothing could be further from the truth. Blame-shifting is a common abusive manipulation, so it’s crucial to be aware of it when it’s happening.
Realization of what was truly going on helped me to understand what I needed in order to begin healing. I had to release my feelings of guilt and self-blame, my constant self-reproach and self-condemnation. That interior negative voice haggling and continuing to abuse me needed to be renounced, rejected, rebuffed. That voice was the voice of lies. I didn’t need to listen to lies any longer. I had to reject all thoughts of being unlovable, unworthy, naïve and stupid for “letting” abuse and betrayal happen to me.
I realized I needed to love myself as Christ loves me.
Have I accomplished this? Does my sudden realization equal sudden, complete healing? No, not at all. Healing is a journey, and every good journey takes time. I’m not only willing, but I’m grateful to take the time. Time is one of God’s gifts to humankind.
To love means to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. This vulnerability isn’t merely a giving of self to others— it’s also a giving of self to self.
And that’s the most difficult of all.
How do we go about this, though? Again, there’s no magic wand. But, there is the grace of God.
The Eucharist is such a tremendous gift, and through worthy and frequent reception we allow the healing Body and Blood, soul and divinity of Jesus to be poured into us. “The courage and strength that are in me are not of me, but of Him who lives in me – it is the Eucharist” (Saint Faustina).
Also make sure to begin or continue an active prayer life. Even when you feel your prayer is dry, that God isn’t listening or responding, He is. Remember, everything is in His hands, and within the scope of His divine timing. When you feel a dryness in prayer, God may be calling you to patience and perseverance, which means He’s building spiritual stamina within you.
In that case, watch out for wonderful things to come.
The movement of the Holy Spirit is an interior movement, a subtle shift, a small still Voice within (1 Kings 19:12). The blessings of the Holy Spirit usually aren’t instantaneous. He’s not found in a great, strong wind, He doesn’t shake us like an earthquake (1 Kings 19:11).
The Holy Spirit moves slowly within, because slow is the only way to truly heal. Yes, that feels frustrating when we’re stuck in what feels like a mire of quicksand. I understand. I’ve been stuck there, too.
Been there, done that. A lot.
Even so, slow and steady the only way. If you try to walk on a broken leg immediately after your accident, you’ll do further damage. Despite frustration, restlessness and the driving desire to be healed and get on with life, weeks of rest are necessary.
It’s the only true way to heal.
When you feel stuck in quicksand and unable to release the past, bring to God these feelings of despair and frustration.
But, don’t expect an immediate response or an immediate release. God works in His own time. You can’t visibly see the healing fusion of bone as you lie in your bed, bored and restless, wishing you could just get up and move on and be done with this healing business. Even so, healing is taking place, internally.
When you’re stuck in quicksand, recognize those times as God calling you to be present, wanting you to slow down. This means slowing down your mind, your activities, your desires. Slow down, and allow Him.
Just allow Him.
Maybe you need to rest in His arms as He strengthens you to eventually resume your healing journey. Or maybe He has even bigger, grander plans for you.
Enjoy this time. Patience is a virtue.
Stop thinking so much about healing. Let God. Your exterior efforts may be getting in the way.
Spend time in Adoration, asking Jesus what wounds of your heart need to be healed.
Keep doing this, day after day.
Ask Him to eventually, in His loving time, heal them all so you can be released from your past.
Don’t rush the process.
Patience is a virtue.
The deepest freedom is in truly knowing God’s love. Not with your head, but within your recovering heart.
Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!
(Psalm 130:23)
Thank you! Your article was the little nudge I needed to work through a writing problem: a character who desperately needs to heal from past trauma. And it helps me rethink several events in my family while I was growing up. God bless you!
Do you think that God even allows physical afflictions sometimes to slow us down and allow him to heal us?