Maybe I’m just young, relatively familiar with the relevant canons, and high in trait disagreeableness, but I’ve long been aware that a victim of abuse (not a woman whining about her husband’s mean words but a legitimate abuse victim) had every right to leave temporarily and could remain separated indefinitely with the Church’s blessing if it were necessary for her safety.
Praise be to God that you are able to see this issue clearly. Sadly, there are many clergy who do not. I have been told that divorce is ‘the worst thing’ that I could do to my family and that the proper response to my husband’s abuse is to be totally subservient to him. I was told that by a Catholic deacon. Many priests view domestic violence through the lens of only physical abuse. These attitudes are so destructive to women trying to flee abusive homes.
I absolutely agree, and that's sad. There's far too much ignorance among church leaders about domestic abuse. On the other hand, there are many priest are trying to educate themselves, so that's a positive. We have to just keep doing all we can to bring this issue to the awareness of clergy and lay ministers in whatever way we can.
My only concern with their statement, as a male survivor of domestic violence, is that male victims are completely disregarded. I don't believe that 85% is an accurate statistic. Other statistics show that male victims may be double that amount. In their own statistic, if 1 in 4 women have been victims, and 1 in 7 men, that alone would make men at least 30% of the victims. There has been other research showing similar numbers.
Regardless, if we said that 70-85% of victims are white women, so we are going to ignore the minority victims, there would be an uproar! Advocates would ensure that inclusionary language is used. To ignore 15-30% of victims because of their gender, ethnicity, or race does a disservice to those victims.
As men, we are literally being told that we do not matter. But our abuse is not any less real.
Many will say that men are more prone to violence, and I would agree to some truth in that statement - especially with the severity (due to men generally being stronger). But in my reality, the violence was real. Yet when I reported it, it was not enough. She did not leave any bruises, so it did not count as violence. The police turned me away. Actually, they told me to leave the house instead, and that if they were called again, they were going to haul me off to jail. So I believe many of the statistics understate the actual number of male victims of violence because it is either dismissed or never reported in the first place (because no one believes us).
Because the situation was reported to DCFS, they came to my home. They talked to my ex, who denied it. They talked to my kids, but they did not want to see Mommy go to jail, so they covered for her. DCFS never spoke to me because the police forced me to leave. Instead, they passed a threat saying that any future "false reports" would end with me losing custody of my children.
I have since escaped, but my kids haven't. Now, they deal with an emotionally and physically abusive mother who knows that she can physically hurt them as long as she doesn't leave a mark. She hits them on the head, pinches them, and slaps them in the face, but as long as it doesn't leave a mark, she gets away with it. Even the kids' counselor feels it is not enough that the police would do anything.
The system is broken. If we truly live in an equal society, then we need to acknowledge that women can be abusers too.
Men are afraid to speak up. First, we are often ridiculed for saying that we are abused. When it comes to the authorities, we do not call them because men are assumed to be the aggressor, and the situation is quickly turned around on us. We cannot even protect ourselves from the violence for that reason. Our only options are to accept the abuse or leave, which means losing our children, our homes, and our finances.
I know that you are simply posting and responding to the USCCB's statement on this, and I completely appreciate your perspective. My disappointment is with them, not with you.
Chad, I am so sorry for your suffering. You make some wonderful points. Since my unique speciality is helping Catholic women, I write from the perspective I know best, because to do anything else would be a disservice. With that said, I would love to see a similar Substack to mine, but written from a male point of view. I do believe that would be valuable.
As for the statistics -- YES! They're the only thing we have to go by to get a guestimate, but it's just that -- a guestimate. I agree with you that abuse toward men is under-reported. We have a long way to go in this field, that's for certain.
I'm very grateful that you spoke up here, and I pray people read your comment and take it to heart. Thank you for writing your story to help us all get a better grasp on female abuse of males.
I'm a member of an organization called Catholics for Family Peace. We reach out to parishes, clergy, etc. -- we even try to reach out to bishops in an attempt to raise awareness. At our next meeting, I'll bring up your concerns with the USCCB document. It is over 20 years old, and my prayer is that they'll revise it again. I think it's time.
Maybe I’m just young, relatively familiar with the relevant canons, and high in trait disagreeableness, but I’ve long been aware that a victim of abuse (not a woman whining about her husband’s mean words but a legitimate abuse victim) had every right to leave temporarily and could remain separated indefinitely with the Church’s blessing if it were necessary for her safety.
Praise be to God that you are able to see this issue clearly. Sadly, there are many clergy who do not. I have been told that divorce is ‘the worst thing’ that I could do to my family and that the proper response to my husband’s abuse is to be totally subservient to him. I was told that by a Catholic deacon. Many priests view domestic violence through the lens of only physical abuse. These attitudes are so destructive to women trying to flee abusive homes.
I absolutely agree, and that's sad. There's far too much ignorance among church leaders about domestic abuse. On the other hand, there are many priest are trying to educate themselves, so that's a positive. We have to just keep doing all we can to bring this issue to the awareness of clergy and lay ministers in whatever way we can.
Most helpful! Thank you!!!!!!
My only concern with their statement, as a male survivor of domestic violence, is that male victims are completely disregarded. I don't believe that 85% is an accurate statistic. Other statistics show that male victims may be double that amount. In their own statistic, if 1 in 4 women have been victims, and 1 in 7 men, that alone would make men at least 30% of the victims. There has been other research showing similar numbers.
Regardless, if we said that 70-85% of victims are white women, so we are going to ignore the minority victims, there would be an uproar! Advocates would ensure that inclusionary language is used. To ignore 15-30% of victims because of their gender, ethnicity, or race does a disservice to those victims.
As men, we are literally being told that we do not matter. But our abuse is not any less real.
Many will say that men are more prone to violence, and I would agree to some truth in that statement - especially with the severity (due to men generally being stronger). But in my reality, the violence was real. Yet when I reported it, it was not enough. She did not leave any bruises, so it did not count as violence. The police turned me away. Actually, they told me to leave the house instead, and that if they were called again, they were going to haul me off to jail. So I believe many of the statistics understate the actual number of male victims of violence because it is either dismissed or never reported in the first place (because no one believes us).
Because the situation was reported to DCFS, they came to my home. They talked to my ex, who denied it. They talked to my kids, but they did not want to see Mommy go to jail, so they covered for her. DCFS never spoke to me because the police forced me to leave. Instead, they passed a threat saying that any future "false reports" would end with me losing custody of my children.
I have since escaped, but my kids haven't. Now, they deal with an emotionally and physically abusive mother who knows that she can physically hurt them as long as she doesn't leave a mark. She hits them on the head, pinches them, and slaps them in the face, but as long as it doesn't leave a mark, she gets away with it. Even the kids' counselor feels it is not enough that the police would do anything.
The system is broken. If we truly live in an equal society, then we need to acknowledge that women can be abusers too.
Men are afraid to speak up. First, we are often ridiculed for saying that we are abused. When it comes to the authorities, we do not call them because men are assumed to be the aggressor, and the situation is quickly turned around on us. We cannot even protect ourselves from the violence for that reason. Our only options are to accept the abuse or leave, which means losing our children, our homes, and our finances.
I know that you are simply posting and responding to the USCCB's statement on this, and I completely appreciate your perspective. My disappointment is with them, not with you.
Chad, I am so sorry for your suffering. You make some wonderful points. Since my unique speciality is helping Catholic women, I write from the perspective I know best, because to do anything else would be a disservice. With that said, I would love to see a similar Substack to mine, but written from a male point of view. I do believe that would be valuable.
As for the statistics -- YES! They're the only thing we have to go by to get a guestimate, but it's just that -- a guestimate. I agree with you that abuse toward men is under-reported. We have a long way to go in this field, that's for certain.
I'm very grateful that you spoke up here, and I pray people read your comment and take it to heart. Thank you for writing your story to help us all get a better grasp on female abuse of males.
I'm a member of an organization called Catholics for Family Peace. We reach out to parishes, clergy, etc. -- we even try to reach out to bishops in an attempt to raise awareness. At our next meeting, I'll bring up your concerns with the USCCB document. It is over 20 years old, and my prayer is that they'll revise it again. I think it's time.
May God bless you!