Note from Jenny:

In this second installment of Bernhard Streisselberger’s treatment of the emotional causes of dangerous leadership—whether that leadership be in the public sphere or privately within homes—he explains how to recognize and understand toxic narcissism.

Learn more about Bernhard and the coaching cohort groups he’ll be offering in September 2026.

It’s true that narcissism appears to be on the rise, both within our broader society and within the Church itself—a genuine pandemic of what Jesus described as “cold and stony hearts” (Mt 24:11-12). Yet it remains essential to distinguish between normal human sinfulness and true pathology.

Bullying behavior often comes from a wounded heart—from a sinner who, when confronted, may apologize, repent, convert, reconcile, and convincingly repair the relationship. In contrast, pathological narcissism displays none of these markers of healing authentically; there is no real empathy, no compassion, no capacity for true intimacy, and no real willingness to take responsibility. The narcissist will certainly try to impress you with virtue signaling and love-bombing. Very soon after, however, one observes only blame-shifting, control and pathological defensiveness. Narcissism is a true psychological and spiritual pathology, not a condition that everyone suffers from in some minor form.

Paradoxically, the most dangerous narcissists are often those who function exceptionally well in society. Low-functioning narcissists are easier to recognize due to their crude demeanor, whereas high-functioning, high-IQ narcissists can effectively hide their pathology behind charisma, embedding themselves within institutions and even leadership roles, making them far more difficult to identify and address.1

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Understanding the Narcissistic Structure

Dr. Mariéle Wulf emphasizes that narcissism is not merely vanity or a desire for attention. Rather, it is a structural disorder of the self, rooted in early childhood attachment trauma. At the moment of the trauma, psychological development stops, preventing the ego and conscience from maturing normally.2 This dysfunction creates a rigid inner framework where the individual cannot receive love authentically, yet desperately seeks validation and excessive attention. Over time, this condition fundamentally destroys relationships with others, with God, and ultimately with themselves.

Wulf describes the development of narcissism as an inner vicious circle. Unable to process the painful early attachment trauma, the child develops a defensive structure where they oscillate between feeling like a helpless victim and adopting the role of an aggressor to regain control. This internal dynamic solidifies into a personality structure that perceives the world through a concentric lens: everything exists only in relation to the missing self, a bottomless pit, an astronomical black hole within the soul. Others are not recognized as independent persons with their own dignity and interior lives, but rather as objects to attend to their desperate need for attention and emotional regulation.3

Identifying Overt and Covert Narcissists

According to Dr. Les Carter’s checklist, overt narcissists display consistent patterns: a constant need for self-promotion and admiration, an exaggerated sense of superiority or grandiosity, entitlement expecting special treatment, and an inability or refusal to admit fault.4 Relational dynamics reveal additional warning signs: extreme sensitivity to criticism which can trigger rage or vindictive retaliation, frequent devaluation of others, chronic jealousy and envy, controlling behavior, and manipulative tactics including guilt-tripping, gaslighting, and lying.5

Covert narcissists display a more insidious pattern. Their core characteristics include: an appearance of humility or steadiness that masks internal egotism and a rigid need for control through victimhood, a profound lack of genuine empathy where their preferences consistently trump others’ needs, and tight emotional defenses designed to protect an impenetrable false self.6

These individuals stubbornly refuse flexibility or compromise. Their relational dynamics reveal how they weaponize vulnerability to manipulate others: passive attempts to extract praise through guilt-tripping or self-deprecation, punitive withdrawal via silent treatment when denied admiration, and “friendly” public jabs disguised as humor to undermine others without accountability.7

The Three Circles of a Narcissist’s Environment

The narcissist constructs their social world not around love or genuine connection, but around a rigid hierarchy of control designed to protect a fragile, injured ego. This structure manifests as three concentric circles. Crucially, these circles are not static stages but simultaneous, shifting realities; a person can be adored in one moment and annihilated the next, depending solely on whether they serve the narcissist’s need for security or threaten their constructed reality. The only logic one can observe is excessive, pathological self-defense.8

In the Inner Circle, the narcissist surrounds themselves with absolutely loyal “chosen ones” who serve as an extension of the self, validating the narcissist’s existence through unconditional submission and secrecy. The Second Circle consists of admirers, beneficiaries, or those the narcissist has convinced to provide a steady stream of “supply.” As long as individuals remain within these spheres, they are treated well. However, this safety is conditional and transactional; the moment an individual steps out of line, the illusion shatters instantly.9

This abrupt shift marks the terrifying entry into the Third Circle, the realm of total destruction. When a person crosses the invisible line from being a source of supply to being perceived as a threat, they are psychologically exiled. The former beloved is transformed into an enemy, subjected to ruthless gaslighting, character assassination, isolation, and often financial, legal or social warfare. The speed and intensity of this transition are what make the narcissist so unpredictable and dangerous.10

Gaslighting: Twisting Reality or Even God Himself

One of the most destructive tools in the narcissist’s arsenal is gaslighting. The American Psychological Association defines it as manipulating another person into doubting their perceptions, experiences, or understanding of events.11 Originally referring to extreme manipulation aimed at inducing mental illness, the term now broadly describes tactics that erode a victim’s trust in their own reality. It pathologizes perfectly normal reactions, particularly the simple act of noticing a narcissist’s lies.

Dismissals like “You are too sensitive,” “You are crazy,” or even “You are so narcissistic” are common. Many narcissists study psychology not to heal but to manipulate, co-opting the language of emotional affirmation to insist that loving them more will make them change.12 However, due to their self-centered pathology, they are incapable of genuine reciprocity. No amount of affirmation is ever enough; it falls into a bottomless pit, leaving you exhausted and self-doubting while they remain unchanged. The turning point comes when you realize that everything the narcissist accuses you of is in fact true of themselves; and that realization is when you begin to reclaim your power.

In religious contexts, gaslighting takes on a theological dimension. Narcissistic leaders weaponize the distinction between value judgment and factual discernment, citing Matthew 7:1 (“Judge not, that you be not judged”) to shame critics into silence.

A healthy faith community encourages factual discernment; evaluating whether a leader’s actions align with Gospel values and moral truth. But a narcissistic leader conflates legitimate observation with sinful gossip or value judgment, reframing factual inconsistencies as spiritual failures: “You lack trust,” “You are being divisive,” “You are disobedient.” This hijacks the victim’s conscience, forcing a choice between trusting one’s own reality or submitting to the abuser’s narrative. And when the narcissist is a representative of Christ speaking with perceived divine authority, the trauma compounds exponentially. The abuser conflates his voice with the voice of God, making escape from the narcissist feel indistinguishable from abandonment of faith itself.

Coping Strategies: Practical Wisdom for the Faithful

Dr. Ramani Durvasula and other experts recommend several evidence-based approaches:13

• Radical Acceptance: Acknowledge that you can neither save nor fix the narcissist. Their pathology runs too deep. Be careful not to call out their pathology; doing so may trigger narcissistic rage.

• Greyrock Method: Become uninteresting to the narcissist by responding minimally, showing no emotional reaction, and avoiding sharing personal information.

• Soul Distancing: Actively seek affirmation, support, and community outside the toxic environment. Wherever possible, simply and quietly walk away.

The DEEP Technique for Disengagement: When direct interaction is unavoidable, practice disciplined non-engagement:

• Don’t Defend yourself

• Don’t Engage in discussions

• Don’t Explain yourself (particularly not vulnerably)

• Don’t Personalize the shaming, blaming, and gaslighting.

If you defend, explain, engage, or personalize, it will only be weaponized against you.14

The Three “R’s” of Accountability: Narcissists can be held accountable by three external forces.

• Rulers (those with the authority to sanction them)

• Rules (clear policies that limit interpretation)

• Reality (irrefutable facts that dismantle their distorted worldview)15

Become an archivist of this truth. Meticulously save every email, text, screenshot, and note. These materials must be secured in a location the narcissist will never find; such as a password-protected external drive or a safe deposit box. If the narcissist discovers the trail, the target could be placed in grave emotional, psychological, and even physical danger.

Another complementary approach: remove emotion entirely from transactions. Use short words and treat interactions like a business deal. “No is a full sentence.”16

Finally, remember what Jesus said: “Behold, I am sending you like sheep in the midst of wolves; so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves” (Mt 10:16). Wisdom here means prudence: the ability to recognize danger and protect oneself and others from harm.

After much feedback and many requests, I’ve decided to undertake the task of writing another non-fiction book. Although I’m currently at work researching the sequel to World Between Worlds, I also feel it’s time to write a follow-up to Don’t Plant Your Seeds Among Thorns: A Catholic’s Guide to Understanding and Healing From Domestic Abuse.

I want to invite my Substack readers along this writing journey. Below is a draft of the introduction to my next non-fiction book, which focuses on healing from trauma through immersing oneself in what St. Catherine of Siena calls the “house of self-knowledge.” I’m going to dive deep into St. Catherine’s teaching in order to help others find hope, healing and Christ-centered renewal.

Introduction to … [untitled at the moment, suggestions welcome]

You won’t heal from the effects of marital betrayal by reading a book. You won’t heal by sheer force of will, by joining support groups, or by seeking therapy.

All those things are good and even necessary. I’m certainly not telling you to drop all efforts to heal and simply wait around for something to happen—that won’t work either. What I am saying is that the foundation of healing cannot be those external things—they’re the necessary rooms within the house of healing, but the foundation of the house must be Christ, and Him alone.

Everything is a grace from God. In His Divine Will, as mysterious as that may seem to us mere humans, He permits our traumas to happen. He doesn’t want us to suffer, but He does allow certain sufferings for the sake of our good—and He desires our healing in Him, through Him, and with Him.

God doesn’t want you to survive this life—He longs for you to thrive.

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If healing doesn’t come exclusively from a book, why have I bothered to write one? For the simple fact that it will provide help, understanding and tools to guide you as you move forward in a Christ-centered way. It’s not a book, or anything else external, that heals. Jesus alone is the Divine Physician—but He does use various forms of medicine to help you along your journey.

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Note from Jenny:

I’m very excited to share with readers excerpts from Bernhard Streisselberger’s upcoming workbook, The Affirmed Heart: A Path to Emotional Maturity and Self-Gift (Sophia Institute Press). His book helps us to understand how a lack of affirmation early in life can lead to relationship dysfunction in adulthood. Whether the unaffirmed person is a religious leader or a leader within their homes, the lack of emotional maturity has grave consequences.

Learn more about Bernhard and the coaching cohort groups he’ll be offering in September 2026.

The Unaffirmed Leader: How emotional starvation breeds the most dangerous kind of leadership; and why the Church keeps mistaking pathology for holiness

You’ve met them: the leader who radiates confidence but leaves a trail of wounded hearts. The shepherd whose flock exists to fill a void no flock can fill. What if the most dangerous people in your community aren’t the obvious villains, but the unhealed hearts who most convincingly wear virtue as armor?

The Hunger You Can’t See

At the heart of many struggles in ministry, family, and religious life lies a condition that is often invisible to the observer but devastating to the individual who suffers from it. Dr. Conrad Baars and Dr. Anna Terruwe identified this condition as Emotional Deprivation Disorder (EDD), originally called frustration or deprivation neurosis.1 It is not a failure of will, a lack of faith, or a moral failing. Rather, it is a developmental arrest in the emotional life caused by a fundamental lack of affirmation during childhood.

According to Baars, authentic affirmation acts as the emotional food necessary for the “humane emotions” of love, desire, and joy to mature. When a child is deprived of this nourishment (the communication that they are good, lovable, and worthwhile) their emotional development stalls. Emotional Deprivation Disorder is distinct from “repressive disorders” where emotions are in conflict with each other. In EDD, the emotions are simply undeveloped because the “psychic birth” never occurred. This second birth is the psychological awakening where, upon being affirmed, a person finally begins to live and thrive in their full psychological capacities. Without it, while the body, intellect, and spirit may mature, the emotional core remains that of a child, leaving the adult with a deep, unquenchable hunger to be wanted, significant, and lovable.2

While the root cause is the same, the symptoms of EDD manifest in three primary ways:

1. The Full-Spectrum Deprivation Syndrome: This person feels like a child in an adult body. They are often fearful, insecure, and lonely. They may appear “nice,” people-pleasing or passive, avoiding conflict at all costs because they fear losing the approval of others. They struggle to make decisions and often feel inadequate, regardless of their actual achievements.3

2. The Partially Affirmed “Normal”: Here, the lack of affirmation was not total, or one parent compensated for the other. These individuals often appear “normal” to the outside world. However, internally, they are never truly happy or content. Their symptoms are miniatures of the full syndrome: a lingering sense of insecurity, an inability to make decisions, and a deep-seated feeling of inadequacy despite external success.4

3. The Self-Affirming Person: This is perhaps the most dangerous manifestation for a community. If an unaffirmed person possesses high energy, intelligence, or charisma, they may attempt to affirm themselves. They may become high achievers, but their motivation is not service and self-gift; it is a desperate attempt to convince themselves and others that they are worthy. As Baars notes, “Even when they succeed in becoming very rich, or famous, or important in politics or business or the religious life [...] and are envied or admired because of their power and fame, they are doomed to discover sooner or later that they are still where they started from, namely, feeling unloved and worthless and insignificant.”5

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The Mechanics of Immaturity and the Danger to Ministry

The Baars Institute explains that emotional maturity requires the integration of the emotions with reason and will. For the unaffirmed person, this integration is fractured.6 The unaffirmed person is not at peace with themselves. They harbor a secret conviction that they are fundamentally flawed or unlovable. Because their humane emotions were starved, their assertive emotions often run wild. Fear-based repression leads to scrupulosity and anxiety; energy-based repression leads to control, aggression, and an overly “driven” lifestyle.7

Without the foundation of being loved, the individual cannot truly possess themselves. They are reactive, not proactive. Their actions are driven by a need to fill the void, not by a free choice to give themselves. We can only give what we possess. Therefore, an unaffirmed person has great difficulty making a sincere gift of self.

This is where the reality of our emotional wounds intersects with the sacred responsibility of leadership. When a leader lacks the deep security of being affirmed, their ministry can inadvertently become a venue for self-healing rather than a channel of grace. Because they lack true self-possession, they may be tempted to unconsciously seek out subordinates who will validate their own sense of worth, creating a dynamic of dependency rather than freedom.

In stark contrast, the fully affirmed leader operates from a place of integrated wholeness and stability. Because they are secure in their own identity, they do not desperately need to extract validation from others. Their authority is not a tool to manage their own insecurities, but a gift to protect and nurture the spiritual growth of others. They lead not to be filled, but to give.

A Critical Distinction: Neurotic Repression vs. Rational Restraint

A critical distinction must be made here, as it is often a point of confusion in our society as a whole. Emotional, neurotic repression and rational, loving self-restraint may look very similar on the outside but there is a world of difference on the inside.8

• Neurotic Repression is an unconscious process where one emotion, usually fear, pushes down another emotion because it is perceived as inadequate, dangerous or sinful. The person is not at peace with the repressed emotion; they are fighting it. This builds tension until it explodes in a compulsive outburst or manifests itself in psychosomatic illnesses. It is a battle within the self.9

• Rational Restraint is a conscious, willful act. The person acknowledges the emotion, accepts it as a valid signal of one’s human nature, but deliberately chooses not to act upon it because reason and virtue dictate a different response. The emotion as such is not repressed; it is integrated and governed. Only the expression is restrained. Because the emotion has been acknowledged and integrated rather than repressed, the internal conflict resolves, allowing the agitation to subside naturally over time.10

The unaffirmed person, lacking the security to own their emotions, defaults to repression. They believe they must “kill” their feelings in order to be holy. This is the root of the “stoic saint” myth that plagues our Church. It is not holiness; it is a psychological malfunction that creates a false self, a mask that hides the wounded child beneath.

Recognizing Emotional Deprivation Disorder is not an act of condemnation, but of liberation. It allows us to name the wound. For the seminarian, the priest, the religious, the lay leader, and those with a vocation in family life, this diagnosis is a safeguard. It reminds us that before we can be shepherds of souls, we must be healed of our own hunger. Only when the heart is truly affirmed can it become a vessel of affirmation for others. Only when wounds are acknowledged can they become sites of grace.

“Do you want to be healed?”

(John 5:6)

Jesus asked this question of the paralytic because He knew what healing requires—readjustment and change, which often makes us squirm with discomfort. The familiar—even if it isn’t ideal or if it’s increasing our pain—often feels safer because it’s known. The unknown can seem terrifying, so we tend to avoid it—thereb…

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When my husband was a teenager, he was involved in a devastating auto accident that nearly took his life. Despite the crumpled mess of his car, despite the fact that his windshield was shattered on the asphalt because he’d been hurled through it, despite the fact that he was shattered on the asphalt, wrecked next to the wreckage, he felt little if any pain. His entire body was in shock, and he soon became unconscious from the extent of his injuries.

It wasn’t until later, safely stabilized, operations complete, lying in hospital recovery, that the agony hit him. And it hit hard. The path to healing was excruciating, yet it was also necessary. If he hadn’t felt pain, that would have meant he was paralyzed and would never walk again. If he hadn’t felt the pain, something would have been seriously, tragically wrong.

The only present-day reminders of such a traumatic experience are scars which have now faded into barely noticeable white marks on his skin. I quite like them, to be honest—I see them as battle wounds of strength.

Healing is like that. Walking through fire is agonizing, but it’s the only way out. If we don’t face our pain head-on, if we try to avoid it, we’re delaying the inevitable—and in the long run, we’ll end up causing ourselves more suffering.

We’ve all experienced trauma, tragedy, disappointment, heartbreak, and even betrayal. These experiences of suffering aren’t what God wants for us, but due to original sin they’re very real aspects of the human experience. No matter what our wound, whether it’s based in shame or shock, tragedy or turmoil, there’s a common foundation.

Grief.

I’ve certainly experienced my fair share of suffering. It took me a long time to recapture the optimistic spirit I once had—to recover my hope, joy, and peace.

Grief was stuck inside my chest. I could feel it physically, like a deep, buried, exhausting weight. The emotional often becomes physical. Sometimes it took the form of heart palpitations or, when it decided to change slightly, it would ooze down into my stomach in raw dread. At other times it traveled up, choking my throat until it reached my head in sharp, piercing agony.

Yet whether it took the form of head or heart, dread or despair, fear and anxiety, or an exhaustion so deep I could barely move, at its core it was always this one thing: Grief.

I don’t need to share my personal story, because my details don’t matter—we all have our own stories to tell. What really matters aren’t the details, but the healing graces of God’s love. We need to learn how to embrace His trust in us so we can trust in Him (and others). We need to reach an understanding of the incredible yet sadly misunderstood power of charity.

Charity doesn’t mean giving your old jeans to Goodwill because you ate too many chocolates, or even donating a few dollars to the collection basket during Sunday Mass. True charity is authentic love; it’s a developing of self to the point that self merges with the goodness of others, of allowing oneself to be vulnerable enough to enjoy true fellowship and relationship, to recognize the image and likeness of God in others, no matter how different they may be from us. True charity is loving another for their own sake, rather than for the satisfaction of our ego. True charity is also the ability to give freely in order to accept freely. It’s the ability to fully receive God as He appears through the gifts of humanity.

True charity is love of others, which begins with love of self. And loving self is the definition of authentic healing.

Grief hurts. It isn’t pleasant, but it is necessary. I had to travel through it, and the only way was with love; love of self, love of God, and a renewed trust in others. I know that without charity, I’m nothing more than a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.

And who wants to be that?

God the Father told St. Caterina of Siena in a mystical vision: “The soul cannot live without love. She always wants to love something, because she is made of love, and through love I created her.”

We’ve been made for love. That’s how our Father designed us, and how He designed us to heal.

Thawing from the effects of trauma is a painful process. Allowing those battered and numbed emotions to come to life again—welcoming the grief to enter—can feel overwhelming at times. Yet if we don’t feel the pain, that means we’re paralyzed. If we don’t feel the pain, that means there’s something seriously, tragically wrong.

The most profound and joyous miracle of Jesus’ earthly life was the Resurrection—and the Resurrection could never have happened without the excruciating agony of the Crucifixion.

God doesn’t rescue us from every tragedy in our lives; that’s not how it works in this fallen world. He doesn’t rescue us from suffering, but He does walk with us, through the heart of the storm, so we can reach our own personal resurrection.

Humanity killed Christ, but God the Father raised Him from the dead. God can do the same for all of us who are suffering from grief, isolation, loneliness, distress, trauma, tragedy, fear and pain—if we allow ourselves to accept the love He so desperately wants to give us.

From pain comes resurrection.

And a glorious new beginning.

Discover my books!

To learn more about my books and purchase signed copies, head over to my online shop. Receive free downloads, read about my future projects, and more!

How do we let go of a traumatic, disappointing, or abusive past? How can we forgive (including self), release, be healed, and move on?

Sadly, there is no magical wand. Christianity doesn’t offer magic, or the easy way out. Releasing the past doesn’t mean ignoring or running from it.

Releasing the past means journeying straight through the trauma and the memories in order to reach the other side. And that’s the hard part.

None of us are born trained in the ways of suffering. Most often we don’t know how to deal with it, which makes the struggle all the more exhausting. It’s like a marathon; you can’t complete the entire race the first time you try. You have to train for it.

Training for suffering sound fun—yet it’s necessary.

Releasing the past means running straight through it. That’s tiresome because most of us haven’t built up enough stamina for the entire journey. At some point we get stuck and when we do, it feels like we’ve fallen into the Molasses Swamp.

How do we get unstuck? How can we begin to move forward again?

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Ruminating

First, take a look at exactly where you’re stuck. What is it all about, deep in the core of things?

I once found myself stuck in rumination over the betrayal of an intimate friend. I just couldn’t believe this person had turned into someone I no longer recognized—or, even worse, perhaps he’d never been the person I thought he’d been. All my perceptions were distorted—my perception not just of him, but of myself, my past, even the entire world around me.

In order to heal this deep wound, I knew I had to get down to the interior of things. Turning to God in prayer, kneeling in Adoration, I felt compelled to ask myself the tough question of where, exactly, I was stuck. Was I stuck trying to figure out why this person had betrayed me? Or was I actually trapped in self-recrimination, trying to understand how I had “allowed” the betrayal to happen by letting that person into my life in the first place?

Even though I’d been focusing on the why of the betrayal, and how this person could have turned out to be someone I’d least expected, I eventually came to realize that the issue was less about what he’d done to me and more about myself—my own reactions, my own perceived culpability. Even though I rationally knew the betrayal wasn’t my fault, my interior heart—broken as it was—persistently placed the blame squarely on my own shoulders.

It was then that I realized what I needed in order to begin healing. I had to release my feelings of guilt and self-blame, my constant self-reproach and self-condemnation. That interior negative voice haggling and continuing to abuse me needed to be renounced, rejected, rebuffed. That voice was the voice of lies. I didn’t need to listen to lies any longer. I had to reject all thoughts of being unlovable, unworthy, naïve and stupid for “letting” abuse and betrayal happen to me.

I realized I needed to love myself as Christ loves me.

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Domestic abuse isn’t merely a threat to our safety—it’s a threat to the core of our identity. Like a frog in a pot, we slowly stop wondering about our own needs and preferences; our full attention and energy becomes focused on the moods, demands and unpredictable expectations of the person mistreating us. The more time goes by, the more we seem to lose touch with our inner self.

Although we may try to hide our sorrow, confusion, and internal disarray from those around us, the consequences of abuse are often painfully obvious. Many years ago, when discussing my own journey with my adult daughter she confessed to me, “I knew I’d lost my mother when you stopped singing and dancing around the house.”

Her comment came as a shock because I’d lost touch with that part of myself. I realized that I’d forgotten that I once did things purely for the joy of them.

Recovering from the effects of abuse isn’t merely learning how to feel safe again—it’s rediscovering the person you once were. By reconnecting with what brings you joy, meaning, and a deeper relationship with God, you can begin to reclaim the self that abuse attempted to erase. I realize that can be difficult, especially if you feel like that “other person” is utterly lost—or worse, dead. Yet she’s not. She’s still there inside, waiting for rebirth.

Do what makes your soul sing.

Those of you who are new to my Substack may wonder why I call it Create Soul Space. The answer is simple: when you consciously create the space within your soul to recapture the person God created you to be, you begin to take your power back. When you embrace the talents and gifts God has blessed you with, your soul is strengthened, set free, and able to soar once again.

The power of creativity

One of the best ways to reignite your true self is through the power of creativity. Made in the image and likeness of God, we’re all called to be co-creators with Him. Those who have no traditional artistic talents tend to think of themselves is not being the “creative type,” yet in truth we’re all creative in one way or another.

What forms of creativity makes your soul sing? Are there any activities that cause you to lose time when you become so absorbed in them? What activities make you feel like yourself again?

Example include:

• Dancing

• Singing

• Carpentry

• Knitting, crocheting, sewing

• Listening to music

• Playing music

• Creative writing

• Sketching or painting

• Collage work

• Beading

• Scrapbooking

• Decorating

• Outdoor sports or activities

• Working on cars or other forms of mechanics

Other ways to make your soul sing can include:

• Engaging in a consistent and active prayer life

• Spending time with cherished loved ones such as children or grandchildren

• Spending time with pets

• Watching funny and/or heartwarming videos

• Reading novels

• Serving others through charitable acts such as volunteering in your local soup kitchen or nursing home

• Learning something new by taking online or adult ed courses

It’s not the specific activity itself that matters—what matters is how the activities reconnect you with your inner self, the parts that were buried under the avalanche of abuse. Taking time for yourself isn’t a luxury—it’s a necessity.

Not Merely Surviving, But Thriving

God doesn’t want us to merely survive this life—He longs for us to thrive. St. Thomas Aquinas defines true happiness as seeking after the perfect good, something that can’t be found in the created world, whether it be through objects or people (Summa Theologiae I-II, q.3 and q.5). The Perfect Good is God, so the complete fulfillment of our lives rests in Him alone. Being fully alive is to live in accordance with our God-given nature—in the words of St. Catherine of Siena, it’s being who we were meant to be so we can set the world ablaze (Letter T368).

People who attempt to manipulate and mistreat us often repeat negative messages about our value and worth. Sometimes they make outright verbal accusations, but often they’re manipulating our perceptions through subtle actions, hints, or under the guise of “being helpful.” Such messages include:

• “Your opinions don’t count.”

• “Your voice doesn’t matter.”

• “Your needs are secondary to mine.”

• “You have no idea what’s best for you, so I need to take care of you.”

Healing involves reclaiming the truth of who God created you to be. When He made you, He didn’t create a generic, repeatable person, just one among many. He created a unique soul with specific gifts, strengths and charisms. Your authentic self can never be destroyed—it can only be buried. And things that are buried can be uncovered and restored to their proper beauty.

Years of adapting to abuse and focusing on survival have likely kept the inner diamond of your true self hidden. When you empty yourself of all that is not of God—all the lies, gaslighting, and chaos of abuse—you create the soul space to let God enter. Through the “secret exchanges” of prayer, gratitude and creativity, the inner diamond of your soul will shine once again.

Discover my books!

To learn more about my books and purchase signed copies, head over to my online shop. Receive free downloads, read about my future projects, and more!

Forgiveness is a necessary virtue, and most of us have heard about the impact forgiveness can have on our lives. It’s essential to our spiritual growth and crucial to our emotional development. Yet what happens when we can’t forgive, or don’t want to?

Often we have forgiven someone, yet we don’t recognize what true forgiveness looks like.

It’s not uncommon for people to believe that to forgive means a lack of emotion; we no longer feel any traces of hurt, anxiety, or a lack of safety. If we’ve forgiven the wrongs incurred against us, then all shall be well. Our emotions should no longer pop up to trigger or warn us. If they do, we lack forgiveness.

Yet nothing is further from the truth.

The adage “forgive and forget” is wrong—and harmful. It can lead to a false sense of forgiveness, and it can foster the idea that we’re obligated to forgive or else we won’t be virtuous. It can also lead to premature forgiveness—a form of suppression that masks unresolved pain and distances us from our true feelings. The idea that forgiving means forgetting the wrongs perpetrated against us also leads to trauma minimization, which leaves us wide open for further manipulation and gaslighting by those who may take advantage of our good nature.

We don’t forget the wrongs done to us, as if our minds become a blank slate reminiscent of dementia or amnesia. Yet when we truly forgive from the heart, those wrongs no longer have the ability to further wound us through resentment, anxiety or obsessive thought patterns. Instead, the harm is transformed into grace—the grace to live a life released from the drive to seek recompense or revenge.

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Hope is a good thing, isn’t it? After all, it’s one of the “Big Three” along with faith and love: the theological virtues that serve as the foundation for all human virtues. Yet even virtues can be taken too far or twisted out of proper alignment. This often happens in toxic relationships, when—despite years of abuse and little or no authentic remorse—a spouse continues clinging to the hope that her partner will finally change.

The theological virtues have their focus on “God as their immediate and principal object, and are infused by Him … by faith we believe in God and believe all He has revealed, by hope we hope to possess God, and by charity we love God and in Him we love ourselves and our neighbor” (Catechism of Saint Pius X).

When we focus our hope not on God, but on things of this world—including other people—we inevitably open ourselves to disappointment, resentment, regret, and even harm. In toxic relationships we may cling to a false hope—what I call “desperate hope”—because it helps us feel safe or keeps us from facing painful truths. But this kind of hope doesn’t set us free; it keeps us bound to illusions and expectations born not from God, but from our own fears and imagination.

This isn’t to say that our hope for something good in the future will always prove faulty or misguided. However, clinging to a relationship solely in the hope that someone will change—while years pass with little or no real progress—slowly drains the soul and wears down the mind. This is a unique sort of agony, a tug and pull of our hearts and our rational minds. There’s no resolution to the dilemma as long as we remain attached to the “what ifs.”

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The three theological virtues of faith, hope and love often meet resistance through their opposites—doubt, discouragement and narcissism.

The evil one is always trying to lure us toward discouragement. When we’re unwavering in our spiritual faith and the evil one realizes he can’t pry us away from God, he attempts instead to get us to doubt ourselves—our abilities, our worth, our God-given talents, our ministry, our ability to love and to be loved. If he can entice us to doubt those things, he can lead us away from doing the will of God.

For example, a man discerning his vocation to the priesthood begins to be obsessed with doubts about his ability and worth because of his faults. If he gives in to the doubt rather than taking his concerns to prayer and to the guidance of his spiritual director, he’ll be straying from the will of God and allowing temptation to overwhelm him. This happens often in the spiritual life, and we must be ever-vigilant in the proper discernment of spirits.

Discouragement is in opposition to the theological virtue of hope. In “Avoiding the Trap of Discouragement” I wrote about the temptation of despair, and how the evil one loves to disrupt and uproot the faithful by this means. “One of the devil’s biggest traps—a temptation he employs frequently—is that of discouragement. When we become discouraged, emotional exhaustion and spiritual apathy settle in. If we don’t recognize discouragement for what it is—a temptation to be avoided—and if we don’t fight against it through means of constant humble prayer, we are likely to sink lower into despondency.”

“So faith, hope, and love abide, these three: but the greatest of these is love.”

If the greatest virtue is love, then that which is most in opposition to the greatest virtue is narcissism.

Contrary to what many believe, authentic love isn’t merely an emotion. There certainly are feelings associated with love, such as compassion and empathy, but love itself isn’t a giddy rush of unformed emotion, nor is lack of love a lack of emotion. Love, as St. Thomas Aquinas famously formulated, is wishing the good of someone purely for the sake of their best interest. “To love is to wish good to someone … that which is loved with the love of friendship is loved simply and for itself” (Summa Theologiae I-II, q.26, a.4, co.).

The authentic love of friendship cannot tolerate narcissism. Someone high on the narcissistic spectrum is incapable of wishing the good of another because that good might detract from their own. The self-focused individual needs to be fed a steady diet of affirmation, regardless of how depleting or toxic their diet may be to others.

Can someone change from an absorbed, self-focused person to an emotionally mature, loving adult? The answer depends on the individual and their unique circumstances. It’s important to understand that narcissistic traits exist on a spectrum, which is why I try to avoid the flat label “narcissist” whenever possible. To call someone a “narcissist” implies that they’re high on the scale, and perhaps even have a personality disorder—which isn’t necessarily true.

The difference between being high on the narcissistic spectrum versus being lower on the scale rests in the willingness and ability to take complete responsibility—without blame-shifting—for all negative behaviors, attitudes and traits. The individual must then initiate and welcome the painful path toward healing, including seeking the professional and spiritual help necessary for full integration of self. They have to admit their blame, take responsibility for the damage they’ve done, and seek full reparation.

What does our faith teach us about situations where someone refuses the theological virtue of love and is instead immersed in its opposite, that of unrepented narcissism? In the words of St. Thomas Aquinas, “When our friends fall into sin, we ought not deny them the amenities of friendship, so long as there is hope of their mending their ways … When, however, they fall into very great wickedness and become incurable, we ought no longer to show them friendliness” (Summa Theologiae II-II, q.25, a.6, ad.2).

Individuals with high narcissistic traits are broken, yet they can’t admit their brokenness. Instead they attempt to inject their dysfunction onto their victim, so they can then blame the victim for faults that are actually their own. Regarding people like this, the book of Proverbs reminds us, “Better a dry morsel with quiet than a house full of easting with strife” (Prov. 17:1) and “He who forgives an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter alienates a friend” (Prov. 17:9).

Faith, hope, love. Doubt, discouragement, narcissism.

The path we take is up to us. In abusive relationships there are many things we cannot control, which causes great grief and suffering. Instead of focusing on that which we can’t control—and thereby increasing our suffering—fixing our gaze on what we can control helps us regain our footing and take back our true selves. Our inner and spiritual lives cannot be taken from us unless we release them. Remaining in faith, hope and love—even if others around us shun the virtues in preference for their opposite—will help keep us grounded in the One Great Truth. “We know that in everything God works for good with those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose” (Rom. 8:28).

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In my last two articles I wrote about the different motivations of gaslighters—those who are unaware of what they’re doing, and those who know they’re gaslighting, but aren’t attentive of the consequences of what they’re doing. The motivations behind these types of gaslighting behaviors aren’t to control or manipulate others, but to protect themselves o…

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In last week’s article I wrote about the “clueless gaslighter”—those people who aren’t aware they’re gaslighting their loved ones, co-workers or friends. They engage in the behavior as a way to get a perceived need met, without thought for how their actions will affect others. As I wrote in “Why Motivations Matter, Pt. 1”:

Someone who chronically gaslights does so because of a self-need rather than a desire for the good of the other. They have an emotional hole they can’t fill, and often don’t even realize they’re wounded. In order to cover shame or to take control of their own reality, they attempt to shift the reality of others—usually loved ones or other close relationships—in order to feel at ease in their world.

Moving up the scale a bit, there are some individuals who are semi-aware of their behaviors. The “somewhat aware” gaslighter is the one who knows they’re not being honest in their interactions, but they don’t connect the dots between their dishonesty and its effects. They’re entrenched in protective mode, and will do all they can to not get “found out.”

They harbor a secret and will do whatever is necessary not to have that secret revealed. It may be a huge secret such as an addiction or affair, or something more internal, such as a desire not to be fully known for fear of rejection. Regardless, they can’t let that side of them be seen by others, so they turn to gaslighting behaviors as a way to cover up their issues. The need to control their partner’s reality doesn’t have a basis in the desire for malevolent power, but in perceived self-preservation.

The behavior of addicts is an ideal illustration of this level of gaslighting. For example, a person who has a pornography addiction will gaslight their spouse in order to hide their sin. If their spouse finds evidence of pornography on their computer, they’ll knowingly lie to cover their tracks. “I have no idea how that pop-up got there,” or “I swear I never went on that website—maybe my computer has a virus” are examples of lies and excuses with a goal of self-protection. A victim may be told she imagined evidence she saw with her own eyes, coupled with accusations that she’s upset over nothing, losing her mind, or over-reacting.

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Do people engage in gaslighting behaviors because they’re inherently cruel, sadistic or narcissistic? In the 1944 film Gaslight the main character, Gregory—played by Charles Boyer—certainly is cruel. He purposely manipulates his wife through visual, auditory and emotional illusions, crafting situations to make her distrust herself and to progressively convince her she’s going insane.

First he love bombs Paula—played by Ingrid Bergman—and, through his manipulations, convinces her to marry him. Aware of a treasure hidden in the attic of the house left to Paula by her aunt, he then manipulates her into moving into the home.

From there, he proceeds to do all sorts of things to get Paula to doubt her reality and her sanity, with a goal of getting her removed from the home so he can have unrestricted access to the treasure he hopes to find. Pictures disappear from the walls, Paula hears unexpected noises, and even jewelry goes missing—only to mysteriously appear again. Then the gaslights in the house begin flickering, but no one else notices except Paula—or so Gregory claims. He tells her she’s imagining all these things, and convinces her that she’s not well and should stay home where it’s safe (which is the typical tactic of abuse isolation). Paula doubts her own reality, her sense of self, and her sanity.

While there certainly are people who intentionally seek to gaslight others in order to attain their own nefarious goals, those people are the exception, not the rule. Many people aren’t even aware that they’re gaslighting their loved ones or co-workers, while others are somewhat aware, but not fully cognizant of the negative effects their actions have on others. In this article I’ll discuss what I call the “clueless gaslighter,” and in next week’s article we’ll dive into the “somewhat aware” gaslighter—including the motivations behind their behaviors.

Regardless of the level of awareness someone may have, manipulation is always a form of covert abuse; it’s stealthy, confusing and destructive. The gaslightee often has a feeling that something isn’t quite right, yet she can’t put a name to what that something actually is.

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Gaslighting has become a popular topic, a buzz word thrown around sometimes too haphazardly, yet what do we truly know about it? Most of us are familiar with the basics such as where the term came from (it was coined by Dr. Robin Stern and based on the 1944 Ingrid Bergman movie Gaslight) and what it is (when one person attempts to manipulate a situation by causing another to doubt their perceptions and memory). Going beyond the basics involves an in-depth look at all the nuances of this form of manipulation, which is what I intend to do over the next few articles.

It takes at least two people for gaslighting to occur—the gaslighter and the gaslightee. If someone refuses to fall for the attempted manipulation, gaslighting cannot take place. When you gain the ability to recognize gaslighting in the moment it’s occurring, yet you don’t do something to “turn off the gas,” you’re encouraging the abuse. Obviously, that’s not an ideal situation. The purpose of these articles will be to help you recognize subtle signs of gaslighting, what a gaslighting conversation looks like, and how you can take your power back by not allowing the manipulation to settle into your mind and your heart.

When you care about how others perceive you, the vulnerability to being gaslight increases. That’s tough in an intimate relationship, because it’s natural to care about how your loved one views you.

Additionally, most people who are prone to being gaslit are highly empathetic. Empathy is a necessary and desired quality in a relationship, yet it must extend to both partners. If only one partner is empathetic and the other is oblivious—or, worse, utterly self-focused—then empathy can become a detriment. The empathetic partner gives and gives—and gives again—only to receive blame and accusation in response. During a disagreement, the empathetic partner will go out of her way to understand her spouse’s point of view, trying to remain fair and open-minded. The partner who isn’t empathetic focuses on his personal needs and desires, oblivious of any perspective except his own. This self-focused mindset causes his sense of reality to become twisted with a variety of cognitive distortions.

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Being empathetic is good, but only in healthy situations. Otherwise, it may cause you to become more vulnerable to gaslighting. When you value the opinion of your loved one, their insistence that “you’re remembering it wrong” or “you’re just being overly emotional” hits the heart because it’s natural to value their thoughts, opinions, and beliefs. This is where radical acceptance is so crucial: it becomes necessary to accept that this person can’t be trusted after all, that perhaps they don’t have your best interests at heart.

In order to detach your emotions from the gaslighting, it’s crucial to release the need for validation and even acceptance. Your partner can believe what he wants about you—but it doesn’t change who you truly are. If they want to believe falsehoods, fine—let them, without the desire to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain). When you try to explain your intentions to a gaslighter, you’re providing them with even more material that they can twist and contort to their advantage—and to your confusion.

When you’re in a crazing-making conversation, the moment you begin to feel a creeping doubt in your heart, with questions such as, “well, maybe I’m remembering wrong” or “did I really do that, and just don’t remember?” take that as a sign to stop the conversation. Often these doubts are accompanied by physical sensations such as a heaviness of heart, difficulty breathing, a tightening of the stomach or feeling ill, dizziness, or other sensations. Those are signals from your body telling you something isn’t right—and urging you to pay attention.

A gaslighting relationship involves persistent and ongoing manipulation—remember, abuse is a pattern of behavior. We all tend to gaslight from time to time—and often it’s ourselves we’re gaslighting. For example, trying to convince ourselves that the mistreatment we experienced at the hands of our loved one wasn’t that bad, or to convince ourselves that it wasn’t abuse, is a form of self-gaslighting. People can also gaslight others in isolated incidences, without being a chronic manipulator. It’s important to be on the lookout for all instances of gaslighting no matter where they may occur. The more you’re aware, the more you can protect yourself.

My next articles will cover specific areas of gaslighting, but for this basic overview I want to leave you with a few gaslighting phrases that will help you discern when you’re being manipulated. If you hear these accusations, chances are gaslighting is dominating the twisted conversation.

Gaslighting Phrases:

• Anything that begins with “too”—such as “you’re too sensitive,” “you’re too controlling” or simply “you’re too much.”

• “You made that up!”

• “That’s not how it happened.”

• “You’re remembering wrong.”

• “You always get things mixed up.”

• “You’re just being paranoid.”

• “I never said [or did] that.”

• “Everyone agrees with me.”

• “You’re overreacting.”

• “I was just joking.”

• “There’s something seriously wrong with you.”

• “I think you’re going crazy/you need to get your head checked.”

• “I didn’t do anything wrong, because the Bible says …”

• “Stop exaggerating.”

• “You hate me.”

I’ll again repeat myself, because this is so crucial:

There certainly may be times when we remember things incorrectly or get something confused in our minds. That’s simply a part of being human. The problem arises when these accusations become a chronic infection in your relationship, and you’re no longer allowed to have your own thoughts, opinions, or perceptions of reality. In a healthy relationship, when your spouse questions something that happened with, “I think you might be remembering wrong,” you can realistically analyze the situation and, if you’re sure that you remembered correctly, you can respond with what you know to be true. There aren’t any repercussions, no argument, no desire on the part of your spouse to persist in making you feel crazy. Instead there’s a give-and-take conversation. If both you and your loved one still disagree on what happened, you pleasantly “agree to disagree,” and that’s the end of the conversation.

With gaslighting, the conversation never ends until your head feels like it’s going to explode in confusion and self-doubt.

Yet all is not lost! There is a way to take back your mind—and your heart—from the throes of gaslighting. We’ll get into that topic later. For now, let me leave you with the comfort of knowing that you don’t need the validation of another human being in order to recognize your truth worth and beauty.

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When we’ve been chronically abused and mistreated by an intimate partner, joy seems to drain from the soul. As the months and years pass, the idea of joyful existence seems a distant memory, something unattainable and extinct. The weariness of trying to cope with daily battles feels insurmountable.

Yet it doesn’t have to be that way. Purposefully bringing joy into what feels like a joyless existence will relax your nervous system, boost your immunity, and help release some of the brain fog caused by abuse and gaslighting.

“Laughter is the best medicine” is such a common phrase that we tend to shrug it off. Sure, it feels good to laugh—to really laugh, deep in the belly and firm in the spirit—but the actual benefits of laughter are often overlooked. It’s more than just a feel-good action (or reaction); laughter actually benefits our health, enriches our spirit, and can transform our minds from a state of discouragement to that of inner renewal and healing.

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Is it possible for someone who harbors abusive tendencies to change their attitudes and behaviors in order to become the spouses, parents and people God created them to be?

This is a difficult—and often controversial—topic, so I urge all my subscribers to read carefully, with both an open and guarded heart. As St. Catherine of Siena taught, our hearts should be shaped like a medieval lamp—open at the top and closed at the bottom. In other words, open to receiving God’s wisdom, truth and discernment, and closed to self-delusion, minimization, or clinging to a false sense of hope.

Prisoners of Hope

Before I begin this article, I feel it’s necessary to describe what it’s like to be a “prisoner of hope,” kept in chains to something we desperately hope will happen. This is a unique sort of agony, a tug and pull of our hearts and our rational minds. There’s no resolution to the dilemma as long as we keep clinging to the “what ifs.” These include “What if he changes, what if everything can turn out ok, what if we can eventually be happy …” Those thoughts swirl around the mind like a deafening tornado, drowning out the Christ-centered voice of peace-filled intuition. It creates inner disturbance and chaos that will not be relieved until we radically accept the truth as it is today, in this present moment.

Remaining in an emotionally or physically dangerous relationship is soul-draining. We lose a sense of who we were created to be; the fire in our souls has withered to a mere pilot light. Clinging to a relationship due to a hope of change, yet without seeing any real progress as the years fly away, depletes the self and withers the mind as it continues to be engulfed in the fog of abuse.

Yet not all relationships are like that. In some situations the abusive partner isn’t purposely being manipulative or controlling. They don’t recognize their actions as harmful because they’re so stuck in blame and projection. But then somehow, by some miracle, a light begins to flicker. This often happens during a time of immense upheaval—such as the illness of a spouse or a marital separation.

Unhealthy narcissism is an unconscious attempt to avoid natural vulnerability and to deny inner feelings of shame, inadequacy, insecurity, emptiness, loneliness, or fear. If your partner is able to authentically express some of these emotions, and to admit their inner wounds are standing in the way of wholeness and healing, then there’s hope that positive and permanent changes can be made. It takes hard work, determination, and consistent fortitude. Authentic change also requires a great deal of humility and patience.

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A Trinity of Virtues: Humility, Fortitude and Patience

No one will ever change unless they’re willing to uncover their issues, face them without minimization, and acknowledge all the ways these issues have led to relationship rupture. If they can’t move past denial and blame-shifting, the abuse cycle will continue to spin.

Humility

Humility restrains the appetite from aiming at great things against right reason.
(St. Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologiae, II–II, q.161, a.1)

In Summa Theologiae II-II, q.161, a.6, St. Thomas Aquinas breaks down the progressive steps of humility, based on the inspiration of St. Benedict of Nursia.

Aquinas begins by describing the inward stirrings of humility, which require that an individual acknowledges their own limitations and weaknesses rather than perceiving themselves independent of God. In the words of St. Catherine of Siena, “I am she who is not; God is the One Who Is.” St. Thomas sums it up quite concisely: “Humility has essentially to do with the appetite, in so far as a man restrains the impetuosity of his soul, from tending inordinately to great things: yet its rule is in the cognitive faculty, in that we should not deem ourselves to be above what we are.”

If a person doesn’t surrender themselves completely to God then true humility cannot be gained.

Thomas Aquinas also notes other essential attributes to humility:

• Not following one’s own will, but following the will of God in all things.

• Regulating the will according to God rather than a perceived notion of self.

• Not being deterred from doing God’s will even in the face of difficulties and hardships.

• Acknowledging and admitting shortcomings.

• Putting others before oneself in a healthy, not self-destructive, way.

• Moderation in speech.

• Restraining haughty looks.

• Restraining laughter at the expense of others

In order for someone to truly be humble, they have to have a “knowledge of one’s own deficiency,” then fully admit and confess that deficiency, “that not merely one simply assert one’s failing, but that one convince another of it.”

Fortitude

Fortitude denotes firmness of mind in enduring dangers and difficulties … Endurance is more difficult than aggression.

(St. Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologiae, II-II, q.123, a.2 and a.6)

Changing takes strength and courage. As Flannery O’Connor points out, “All human nature vigorously resists grace because grace changes us and the change is painful.” Yet the desire to avoid the pain of changing is what keeps people stuck in their toxic behaviors and attitudes. Gathering the fortitude to face one’s shame, fear, and the ways in which change is necessary requires strength of character and determination to continue the battle without giving up. As with humility—and all virtues—this takes a special grace from God coupled with human effort.

According to St. Thomas Aquinas, fortitude is “a certain firmness of mind … in the face of assaults of all kinds.” He then goes on to quote Cicero: “Fortitude is deliberate facing of dangers and bearing of toils.” He also notes that “endurance implies length of time,” which leads us to patience.

Patience

Patience is a virtue whereby a man bears evil without being disturbed by sorrow … Patience safeguards the mind from being overcome by sorrow.

(St. Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologiae, II-II, q.136, a.1)

In order for true change to take place, there must be unyielding patience as the slow process of healing unfolds. The person in need of a character overhaul has to be patient with themselves as they endure the hardships of change, and also patient with their partner. In fact, this is a true sign of authentic change: if your partner maintains empathy and patience no matter how long it takes you to heal—without rushing or pressuring you—then true change is blooming. Pressure for premature intimacy, for example, are signs that change isn’t taking place. No matter how long it takes you to feel safe enough to be intimate with your spouse—whether it’s months or years—you should never be pressured or guilt-tripped into allowing yourself to be vulnerable again until the time is right.

If patience is lacking, change is lacking.

When a heart is open to the grace of God, humbly submitting to His wisdom and will, it will soften according to grace and Divine Mercy. In such hearts—no longer hardened by the egoism of self and the narrow vision created by unhealed wounds—change can truly take place. It takes a willing spirit, a strong desire, extreme humility, unyielding fortitude and undeterred patience. Yet it can be done.

In the words of a husband who had the fortitude, humility and patience to face his inner wounds and renounce all past abusive behaviors: “When allowing myself to be a victim of my past, I was making the decision to hurt and abuse my wife; I can acknowledge that now.” When asked what had finally removed the scales from his eyes he responded, “Because now there’s no more denying God’s love for me, and there’s no more denying my wife’s love for me. Everything else just washes away. That’s what’s happening right now—finally. But I just need to keep myself in check. Like my therapist says, ‘Check in with yourself, every day.’ And keep on doing it.”

Change isn’t easy, nor is it pretty. It’s hard, courageous work—work that will always be rewarded a hundredfold. Despite what the secular world may say, transforming from a vicious to a virtuous person is possible, as long as Christ—and the holy virtues—are put in their proper and primary place.

Our Lady, queen of virtues, pray for us!

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When we are in the swirling storm of emotional suffering, we can either adopt ways of thinking and acting that increase our distress or foster ways of thinking and acting that will reduce the likelihood that we will contribute more pain to an already difficult situation.

(Dr. Matthew Breuninger, Finding Freedom in Christ, xiii)

We’ve all suffered in this fallen world, but the amount of suffering we endure depends upon how much we fight our pain versus how much we accept it.

Accepting pain doesn’t mean we have to permit abuse, manipulation, or any other sort of personal injustice, as if it’s our “cross to bear” and there’s nothing we can (or should) do about it. Rather, radically accepting our difficult and even traumatic situations means facing them head-on without falling into the trap of avoidance, minimization, or despair.

Trying to avoid or minimize our pain as a way of attempting to establish a sense of safety accomplishes the opposite. We can only stuff our emotions for a limited time—sooner or later they have to be released, and if they’ve been repressed for too long they’ll come out in a torrential tirade, the pressure having been built up to intolerable proportions.

We sometimes try to quiet our pain because it feels too heavy to carry, too sharp to look at directly. In the moment, turning away can seem like mercy. We may try shrink the suffering into a somewhat manageable portion, convincing ourselves it’s not a big deal, or it doesn’t hurt very much. This minimization can seem like the only way to endure, yet pain that’s neglected will never heal; instead it lingers, quietly deepening until it’s brought into the light.

At some point all avoidance techniques fail—we have to face our situation head-on. When we’re finally able to move through our pain rather than trying to avoid or minimize it, the suffering may initially feel overwhelming, but it’s in this space that healing truly begins.

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Radical Acceptance

One of the most important Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skills—one I teach in the CHRIST Program at Hope’s Garden—is that of radical acceptance.

Radical acceptance means we fully accept reality as it currently is in the present moment, without judgment or wishing things were different. If we mull over thoughts such as, “This never should have happened,” or “Why me?” the nervous system remains in fight, flight or freeze mode and cannot heal. However, when we immerse ourselves in radical acceptance with thoughts such as, “It did happen, and I’m surviving. I don’t like it, but now I can figure out my options,” the body can begin shifting toward regulation and reintegration.

Remember: radical acceptance doesn’t mean we have to approve of what’s happening, nor does it mean we have to like it. In fact, pouring out our anguish in an honest prayer can be very powerful, as in Psalm 142:

With my voice I cry out to the LORD; with my voice I plead for mercy to the LORD. I pour out my complaint before Him; I tell my trouble before Him. When my spirit faints within me, You know my way! In the path where I walk they have hidden a trap for me … no one cares for my soul. I cry to you, O LORD; I say, ‘You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.’ Attend to my cry; for I am brought very low! Deliver me from my persecutors, for they are too strong for me! Bring me out of prison, that I may give thanks to Your name! The righteous will surround me, for You will deal bountifully with me.

Making excuses for harmful behavior isn’t radical acceptance, nor is accepting situations that should never be tolerated. Instead, we’re accepting things as they are in the moment, which gives us the freedom to move into a space of empowerment—once we accept what is, we can decide what’s within our power to change. This may cause sadness, but being afraid of sadness blocks the ability to accept, which ends up increasing our suffering. When we radically accept a situation, we become grounded in the peace of Christ, even if turmoil continues to swirl around us. Without the knowledge—and acceptance—of the truth about any given situation, we’re held prisoner. We’ve relinquished our freedom.

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When we hear the term “stonewalling,” we most often think of it as a negative thing. It doesn’t feel good to be the recipient of a loved one’s cold shoulder, and those who purposely stonewall often do so in order to maintain personal control. Their goal is to penetrate the emotional strength of their target so they can cause destabilization, fear and doubt. This allows them to increase their power over any given situation.

If you’re in a chronically chaotic relationship, you may have found yourself “stonewalling” in situations that feel out of control. This happens when we’re frozen, too overwhelmed to respond, or disassociating due to trauma. It’s not a method of manipulation—it’s a way of safeguarding the soul against the wickedness and snares of abuse and withdrawing the vulnerable heart from further harm. Even Jesus withdrew when necessary.

Harmful stonewalling is when someone purposely grows silent and cold, which often leads to an extended silent treatment for hours or even days after a conflict is over. This form of punishment is designed to force the victim to drop their boundaries, take the blame for an ongoing situation, and to maintain a sense of power. It can take the form of:

• Avoiding eye contact

• Refusing physical contact

• Not speaking, refusing to answer even simple questions

• Leaving the room or the house, often in a stony and very cold manner

Healthy emotional withdrawal can also take the form of avoiding eye contact, using the “grey rock” technique (using simple “yes” or “no” answers without elaborating further), leaving the room or house, etc.

However, the crucial difference between manipulative stonewalling and safeguarding the soul is the intent, not the outward appearances.

The intent of stonewalling is further control and manipulation; the intent of safeguarding the soul through withdrawal is to stay safe—and sane.

When intentionally harmful, stonewalling is a shutting down of emotions, conversation and interactions for the purpose of punishing another. There’s no accountability when stonewalling is used as an abusive tactic. The motivations are power-over, further gaslighting and intentional manipulation. This is different from withdrawing in a healthy way, with the intentions of establishing safety, de-escalating the situation, and trying to prevent further harm.

Safeguarding the soul through healthy withdrawal can also happen unintentionally when a person is emotionally overloaded, chronically dysregulated due to repetitive conflicts, or in the “freeze” mode of the trauma response.

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Emotional Abuse

I’m often asked if stonewalling is a form of emotional abuse. The answer isn’t as clear-cut as I’d like to be, because of the confusion over what stonewalling is—and what it isn’t. Often a victim of abuse will fear they’re being abusive themselves when they need to withdraw for safety reasons, or when they’re so overloaded they’re unable to respond. They assume that because they’re “stonewalling,” they’re being manipulative.

Yet nothing could be further from the truth. Withdrawing for healthy reasons isn’t stonewalling, it’s safeguarding.

When Language Goes Offline

If we’re shutting down unintentionally during high or prolonged conflict, our nervous systems are giving us a clear signal: no more. Our bodies simply cannot handle more trauma, and emotional withdrawal becomes a way of escaping further or potential danger.

That’s not abuse—it’s the result of abuse.

One primary reason we may find ourselves shut down during high-conflict situations—especially if the conflicts are recurring—is because our brain literally goes offline. The prefrontal cortex becomes sluggish and less active, which makes it very difficult to think clearly and to form the correct words. Blood flow moves from the parts of the brain that control language and reasoning in order to shift to the survival systems.

In other words, our bodies are more focused on survival than on describing what survival looks like.

The Broca’s area of the brain—the part that forms speech and grammar, and aids in comprehending language—goes offline. We can’t describe what we’re feeling, we can’t even think of the proper words.

This type of withdrawal isn’t a conscious choice, nor is it a tool of manipulation. It’s our nervous system trying to protect us, and it’s completely out of our control. We freeze, like a deer caught in headlights—unable to figure out what to do, what to say, where to go.

If you feel you’re spiraling into shutdown mode there are a few things you can do to try to prevent total freeze.

• If possible, remove yourself from the situation. Before language shuts down entirely, say something like, “I’m getting overwhelmed and need to take a break.” Always make sure to word your sentences in “I” phrases rather than “you” to avoid more conflict.

• Go for a walk or some other form of physical exercise.

• Splash cold water on your face or hold an ice cube for a few minutes.

To recap:

True stonewalling is a form of emotional abuse because:

• It’s a pattern used to control or manipulate others

• The goal isn’t to safeguard the self from further conflict, but to destabilize others—which makes them easier to gaslight and control

• It’s a way of punishing another into blind submission

• The tactic purposely causes the target to experience anxiety and fear (of abandonment, further retaliation, harm to the children, financial withdrawal, etc.)

• There’s no remorse or apology

“Stonewalling” isn’t abuse when:

• It isn’t truly stonewalling—it’s withdrawing for safety reasons

• It’s an unintentional shutting down out of fear of further abuse

• It’s caused by “flooding”—when the nervous system gets overloaded and cannot properly respond

Recognizing the difference between manipulative stonewalling and healthy safeguarding can help you combat feelings of misplaced guilt and regain your inner balance. Remember, it’s not you—it’s your situation.

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Silence is golden, is it not? At least that’s what the Scottish historian and poet, Thomas Carlyle, supposedly claimed. This statement seems particularly fitting in homes where emotional, verbal and psychological damage is perpetrated on a regular basis. The victims of such abuse have learned the hard way that staying silent means staying safe.

And quite often, that’s true—at least when interacting with the person committing the abuse.

However, silence can also keep us chained up within ourselves. Lost in a whirl of shame or fear about our situation, we often keep silent even when we’re around people who are safe, nurturing, and empathetic. If we keep silent out of fear or misplaced piety, the lack of interaction with others can prove to be a trap of isolation which only increases the effects of domestic abuse.

When we should speak—and when we should keep silent

As always, Sacred Scripture is our ultimate discernment tool when knowing when to speak—and who we should be speaking to. Ecclesiastes 3 reminds us:

All things have their season, and in their times all things pass under heaven … A time to keep silence, and a time to speak (1,7).

Speaking to others—those who have been tested in virtue and steadfastness and are known to be trustworthy—can help relieve our inner burdens and clarify our needs. As St. Thomas Aquinas wrote:

A hurtful thing hurts yet more if we keep it shut up, because the soul is more intent on it: whereas if it be allowed to escape, the soul’s intention is dispersed as it were on outward things, so that the inward sorrow is lessened.

(Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologiae I-II, Q. 38)

But how do we find safe people? And, after all the confusion of gaslighting, manipulation, and crazy-making, how can we manage to free our hearts from the chronic mistrust we’ve developed?

Trusting the Trustworthy

Sometimes it’s easy to know who the safe people are in our lives. Long-standing friendships, family members we can rely on, and other people who have proved their trustworthiness may be obvious. However, those of us who have been jaded by the trauma of being misused by a loved one now tend to find it difficult to trust our intuition about people.

Recognizing safe relationships should be easy, but when we’ve been tricked by covert manipulations into thinking a relationship is safe—then discovering it isn’t—our filter seems to be broken. Who is safe? How can I know I’m reading this person correctly? What if I’m wrong? These are all questions we struggle with after being betrayed by a loved one.

One way to discern a safe relationship is by asking ourselves: Does being with this person help us both draw closer to God? Do I feel like the person God created me to be when I’m around this person?

Other ways you can discern whether or not a person is trustworthy enough to hear your story include:

• They accept you for who you are—and don’t try to mold you into what they want you to be.

• When you disagree, there may be a friendly debate, but no acrimonious words, accusations, or attempts to force you to their perspective. It’s a conversation, not a battle.

• When you tell them something in confidence, they keep it in confidence—without exception.

• After talking with this person you feel nurtured and safe.

• Your conversations are just that—back and forth, give and take, mutually supportive.

• You can be yourself with this person—the good and the ugly. What you are on the inside is what you can express on the outside. You’re still loved, despite your flaws.

• You can feel an implicit sense of understanding and empathy when with this person.

People who aren’t safe to talk to tend to be one-sided (their side), prone to gossip, and have what I call a “Pharisee complex”—they think they’re better than other, and will be sure to “correct” you according to their needs. They put on a facade of competence, holiness, intelligence, or maturity, but those things are only surface deep. When trying to talk to them, you get blasted with gaslighting, a twisting of your words, and crazy-making.

When people are unsafe, it’s best not to JADE: Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain your point of view, actions, or feelings. It won’t do any good. In that case, “Sin is not ended by multiplying words, but the prudent hold their tongues” (Prov. 10:19). Although it may be difficult, keeping silence is often best in many situations. Dante’s quote from the Purgatorio is one I can relate to in regards to situations where I’ve had to zip my mouth despite the verbal venom I was receiving: “While I, spurred on by yet another thirst, kept silent ...” (Dante, Purgatorio XVIII). Or, in the words of Sacred Scripture, “So I remained utterly silent, not even saying anything good. But my anguish increased” (Ps. 39:2).

Yet keeping everything bottled up isn’t the answer, either. When we’ve endured any sort of trauma, talking about it with safe people can be one of the most healing and affirming things we can do for ourselves. Whether we join a support group, a healing and safe community, or have reliable loved ones we can turn to, telling our story is pivotal toward reintegration of self.

Misplaced Guilt

It’s not uncommon for people to feel guilty for talking to safe friends about their issues. They may wonder if it’s a sin to complain about the person who is harming them, or even if they’re engaging in gossip. They worry others will think badly toward their loved one, something they don’t want—even if their loved ones have acted badly.

It’s important to understand the difference between resentful complaints and talking to a friend out of a true need for guidance, empathy, friendship and healing connection. For more on this topic, check out my article, “Healthy Healing vs. Critical Complaint: Talking Openly about Intimate Partner Violence.”

It’s not a sin to seek the companionship of a safe heart. It’s not a sin to tell the facts of our story—including how we feel—without engaging in a desire for revenge or the motivation of manipulating others to be our “side.” It’s not gossip when we’re telling our story because we need the safety of a loving heart who will listen.

There is power in story. There is power in your story, no matter how heartbreaking it may be. Telling our story to safe people helps to internally release it, process it, and clarify needs. Shame is relived, cognitive distortions and lies can be corrected, and our nervous system becomes regulated when in an environment of safety and release. This allows us to process our experiences and gather tangible tips toward moving forward.

Sharing our story helps us break out of isolation and provides the relief of knowing we’re not alone.

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In last week’s article, “Finding Your Joy, Part 1: Releasing Yourself from Functional Freeze” I described how it feels to be stuck in the “freeze” response trauma, while at the same time functioning on what looks like a normal level. I then provided several tips on how to begin thawing from function freeze, and promised to elaborate further on how to heal from traumatic wounds.

One of the best ways to permanently move from a nearly constant state of functional freeze and into a more healthy space is to discover your charisms and seek to develop them in the way God intended. As I’m always telling my clients, “Do what makes your soul sing.” Erase everything in your soul that is not of God—the lies from gaslighting, the doubts, the fear that immobilizes you. This creates the soul space to develop your unique talents—the charisms God has given to you for His glory, the benefit of others, and for your inner life to blossom and thrive.

What is a Charism?

The Holy Spirit has bestowed upon each and every baptized Christian at least one special charism—and often more. Recognizing them and investing them wisely, as God wills (Matt. 25:14-30), is key to healing and regaining your true, authentic self.

But the manifestation of the Spirit is given to every man unto profit. To one indeed, by the Spirit, is given the word of wisdom: and to another, the word of knowledge, according to the same Spirit. To another, faith in the same Spirit: to another, the grace of healing in one Spirit: To another, the working of miracles: to another, prophecy: to another, the discerning of spirits: to another, divers kinds of tongues: to another, interpretation of speeches. But all these things one and the same Spirit worketh, dividing to every one according as He will.

(I Cor. 12:7-11, Douay-Rheims translation)

Living within your charisms is living within your God-given strengths. Your supernatural gifts build character—the unique character God designed for you—and empowers you to be who you ought to be. When God’s special gifts are the solid foundation of your life, the newfound inner strength stretches outward, helping you gain confidence and clarity in all areas of your life. Recapturing a sense of self after being in the throes of gaslighting, coercion, manipulation and other forms of mistreatment means realizing who God created you to be—and where He wants you to go from this point forward.

Hence it is that the Holy Ghost is called a gift; for by the word gift we understand that which is kindly and gratuitously bestowed … Whatever gifts and graces, therefore, have been conferred on us by God … we should piously and gratefully acknowledge as bestowed by the grace and gift of the Holy Ghost. These gifts of the Holy Ghost are numerous.

(Catechism of the Council of Trent)

Charisms are graces given to us for the benefit of not only our own spiritual journey and self-growth, but primarily for the benefit of the Church as well as others. No one has all the charisms, but only those specific to their individual soul. As God the Father told St. Catherine of Siena (regarding virtues, but the same applies to charisms):

Why do I give this person one virtue and that person another, rather than giving them all to one person? I give them in different ways so that one virtue might be, as it were, the source of all the others. So to one person I give charity as the primary virtue, to another justice, to another humility, to another a lively faith or prudence or temperance or patience, and to still another courage. These and many other virtues I give differently to different souls, and the soul is most at ease with that virtue which has been made primary for her … The same is true of many of My gifts and graces, virtue and other spiritual gifts, and those things necessary for the body and human life. I have distributed them all in such a way that no one has all of them. Thus I have given you reason—necessity, in fact—to practice mutual charity. For I could well have supplied each of you with all your needs, both spiritual and material. But I wanted to make you dependent on one another so that each of you would be My minister, dispensing the graces and gifts you have received from Me.

(Dialogue 7)

While there’s no official list of charisms, the most widely acknowledged are:

• Administration

• Celibacy

• Craftsmanship

• Discernment

• Encouragement

• Evangelization

• Faith

• Giving

• Healing

• Helper

• Hospitality

• Intercessory Prayer

• Knowledge

• Leadership

• Mercy

• Missionary

• Music

• Pastoring

• Prophecy

• Service

• Teaching

• Tongues

• Voluntary Poverty

• Wisdom

• Writing

If your main charism—or charisms—are already developed, you may be able to look at that list and discern which areas have been gifted to you. For example, the charism of writing is an obvious one for me, while others may be less clear.

I highly recommend taking the charism assessment from Many Parts Ministries if you’re interested in developing the gifts God has given your individual soul. Jill Simons’ book The Essential Handbook on Living Your Charisms: A Practical Guide for Catholics is also recommended.

Discerning your charisms—and then developing them through various ways such as prayer, spiritual direction, coaching, education, and action—is one the most important ways of regaining your sense of self after trauma or abuse. Not only will you become empowered to be of service to your inner truth as well as to others, you’ll gain a mastery of self-knowledge and a clearer ability to see yourself as God made you—in the beauty of His image and likeness. Developing your charisms will help empower you with a sense of purpose, redeeming the hidden despair caused by abuse and helping you to step into the life God desires for you.

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To learn more about my books and purchase signed copies, head over to my online shop. Receive free downloads, read about my future projects, and more!