Forgiveness is a necessary virtue, and most of us have heard about the impact forgiveness can have on our lives. It’s essential to our spiritual growth and crucial to our emotional development. Yet what happens when we can’t forgive, or don’t want to?

Often we have forgiven someone, yet we don’t recognize what true forgiveness looks like.

It’s not uncommon for people to believe that to forgive means a lack of emotion; we no longer feel any traces of hurt, anxiety, or a lack of safety. If we’ve forgiven the wrongs incurred against us, then all shall be well. Our emotions should no longer pop up to trigger or warn us. If they do, we lack forgiveness.

Yet nothing is further from the truth.

The adage “forgive and forget” is wrong—and harmful. It can lead to a false sense of forgiveness, and it can foster the idea that we’re obligated to forgive or else we won’t be virtuous. It can also lead to premature forgiveness—a form of suppression that masks unresolved pain and distances us from our true feelings. The idea that forgiving means forgetting the wrongs perpetrated against us also leads to trauma minimization, which leaves us wide open for further manipulation and gaslighting by those who may take advantage of our good nature.

We don’t forget the wrongs done to us, as if our minds become a blank slate reminiscent of dementia or amnesia. Yet when we truly forgive from the heart, those wrongs no longer have the ability to further wound us through resentment, anxiety or obsessive thought patterns. Instead, the harm is transformed into grace—the grace to live a life released from the drive to seek recompense or revenge.

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Hope is a good thing, isn’t it? After all, it’s one of the “Big Three” along with faith and love: the theological virtues that serve as the foundation for all human virtues. Yet even virtues can be taken too far or twisted out of proper alignment. This often happens in toxic relationships, when—despite years of abuse and little or no authentic remorse—a spouse continues clinging to the hope that her partner will finally change.

The theological virtues have their focus on “God as their immediate and principal object, and are infused by Him … by faith we believe in God and believe all He has revealed, by hope we hope to possess God, and by charity we love God and in Him we love ourselves and our neighbor” (Catechism of Saint Pius X).

When we focus our hope not on God, but on things of this world—including other people—we inevitably open ourselves to disappointment, resentment, regret, and even harm. In toxic relationships we may cling to a false hope—what I call “desperate hope”—because it helps us feel safe or keeps us from facing painful truths. But this kind of hope doesn’t set us free; it keeps us bound to illusions and expectations born not from God, but from our own fears and imagination.

This isn’t to say that our hope for something good in the future will always prove faulty or misguided. However, clinging to a relationship solely in the hope that someone will change—while years pass with little or no real progress—slowly drains the soul and wears down the mind. This is a unique sort of agony, a tug and pull of our hearts and our rational minds. There’s no resolution to the dilemma as long as we remain attached to the “what ifs.”

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The three theological virtues of faith, hope and love often meet resistance through their opposites—doubt, discouragement and narcissism.

The evil one is always trying to lure us toward discouragement. When we’re unwavering in our spiritual faith and the evil one realizes he can’t pry us away from God, he attempts instead to get us to doubt ourselves—our abilities, our worth, our God-given talents, our ministry, our ability to love and to be loved. If he can entice us to doubt those things, he can lead us away from doing the will of God.

For example, a man discerning his vocation to the priesthood begins to be obsessed with doubts about his ability and worth because of his faults. If he gives in to the doubt rather than taking his concerns to prayer and to the guidance of his spiritual director, he’ll be straying from the will of God and allowing temptation to overwhelm him. This happens often in the spiritual life, and we must be ever-vigilant in the proper discernment of spirits.

Discouragement is in opposition to the theological virtue of hope. In “Avoiding the Trap of Discouragement” I wrote about the temptation of despair, and how the evil one loves to disrupt and uproot the faithful by this means. “One of the devil’s biggest traps—a temptation he employs frequently—is that of discouragement. When we become discouraged, emotional exhaustion and spiritual apathy settle in. If we don’t recognize discouragement for what it is—a temptation to be avoided—and if we don’t fight against it through means of constant humble prayer, we are likely to sink lower into despondency.”

“So faith, hope, and love abide, these three: but the greatest of these is love.”

If the greatest virtue is love, then that which is most in opposition to the greatest virtue is narcissism.

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In my last two articles I wrote about the different motivations of gaslighters—those who are unaware of what they’re doing, and those who know they’re gaslighting, but aren’t attentive of the consequences of what they’re doing. The motivations behind these types of gaslighting behaviors aren’t to control or manipulate others, but to protect themselves o…

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In last week’s article I wrote about the “clueless gaslighter”—those people who aren’t aware they’re gaslighting their loved ones, co-workers or friends. They engage in the behavior as a way to get a perceived need met, without thought for how their actions will affect others. As I wrote in “Why Motivations Matter, Pt. 1”:

Someone who chronically gaslights does so because of a self-need rather than a desire for the good of the other. They have an emotional hole they can’t fill, and often don’t even realize they’re wounded. In order to cover shame or to take control of their own reality, they attempt to shift the reality of others—usually loved ones or other close relationships—in order to feel at ease in their world.

Moving up the scale a bit, there are some individuals who are semi-aware of their behaviors. The “somewhat aware” gaslighter is the one who knows they’re not being honest in their interactions, but they don’t connect the dots between their dishonesty and its effects. They’re entrenched in protective mode, and will do all they can to not get “found out.”

They harbor a secret and will do whatever is necessary not to have that secret revealed. It may be a huge secret such as an addiction or affair, or something more internal, such as a desire not to be fully known for fear of rejection. Regardless, they can’t let that side of them be seen by others, so they turn to gaslighting behaviors as a way to cover up their issues. The need to control their partner’s reality doesn’t have a basis in the desire for malevolent power, but in perceived self-preservation.

The behavior of addicts is an ideal illustration of this level of gaslighting. For example, a person who has a pornography addiction will gaslight their spouse in order to hide their sin. If their spouse finds evidence of pornography on their computer, they’ll knowingly lie to cover their tracks. “I have no idea how that pop-up got there,” or “I swear I never went on that website—maybe my computer has a virus” are examples of lies and excuses with a goal of self-protection. A victim may be told she imagined evidence she saw with her own eyes, coupled with accusations that she’s upset over nothing, losing her mind, or over-reacting.

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Do people engage in gaslighting behaviors because they’re inherently cruel, sadistic or narcissistic? In the 1944 film Gaslight the main character, Gregory—played by Charles Boyer—certainly is cruel. He purposely manipulates his wife through visual, auditory and emotional illusions, crafting situations to make her distrust herself and to progressively convince her she’s going insane.

First he love bombs Paula—played by Ingrid Bergman—and, through his manipulations, convinces her to marry him. Aware of a treasure hidden in the attic of the house left to Paula by her aunt, he then manipulates her into moving into the home.

From there, he proceeds to do all sorts of things to get Paula to doubt her reality and her sanity, with a goal of getting her removed from the home so he can have unrestricted access to the treasure he hopes to find. Pictures disappear from the walls, Paula hears unexpected noises, and even jewelry goes missing—only to mysteriously appear again. Then the gaslights in the house begin flickering, but no one else notices except Paula—or so Gregory claims. He tells her she’s imagining all these things, and convinces her that she’s not well and should stay home where it’s safe (which is the typical tactic of abuse isolation). Paula doubts her own reality, her sense of self, and her sanity.

While there certainly are people who intentionally seek to gaslight others in order to attain their own nefarious goals, those people are the exception, not the rule. Many people aren’t even aware that they’re gaslighting their loved ones or co-workers, while others are somewhat aware, but not fully cognizant of the negative effects their actions have on others. In this article I’ll discuss what I call the “clueless gaslighter,” and in next week’s article we’ll dive into the “somewhat aware” gaslighter—including the motivations behind their behaviors.

Regardless of the level of awareness someone may have, manipulation is always a form of covert abuse; it’s stealthy, confusing and destructive. The gaslightee often has a feeling that something isn’t quite right, yet she can’t put a name to what that something actually is.

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Gaslighting has become a popular topic, a buzz word thrown around sometimes too haphazardly, yet what do we truly know about it? Most of us are familiar with the basics such as where the term came from (it was coined by Dr. Robin Stern and based on the 1944 Ingrid Bergman movie Gaslight) and what it is (when one person attempts to manipulate a situation by causing another to doubt their perceptions and memory). Going beyond the basics involves an in-depth look at all the nuances of this form of manipulation, which is what I intend to do over the next few articles.

It takes at least two people for gaslighting to occur—the gaslighter and the gaslightee. If someone refuses to fall for the attempted manipulation, gaslighting cannot take place. When you gain the ability to recognize gaslighting in the moment it’s occurring, yet you don’t do something to “turn off the gas,” you’re encouraging the abuse. Obviously, that’s not an ideal situation. The purpose of these articles will be to help you recognize subtle signs of gaslighting, what a gaslighting conversation looks like, and how you can take your power back by not allowing the manipulation to settle into your mind and your heart.

When you care about how others perceive you, the vulnerability to being gaslight increases. That’s tough in an intimate relationship, because it’s natural to care about how your loved one views you.

Additionally, most people who are prone to being gaslit are highly empathetic. Empathy is a necessary and desired quality in a relationship, yet it must extend to both partners. If only one partner is empathetic and the other is oblivious—or, worse, utterly self-focused—then empathy can become a detriment. The empathetic partner gives and gives—and gives again—only to receive blame and accusation in response. During a disagreement, the empathetic partner will go out of her way to understand her spouse’s point of view, trying to remain fair and open-minded. The partner who isn’t empathetic focuses on his personal needs and desires, oblivious of any perspective except his own. This self-focused mindset causes his sense of reality to become twisted with a variety of cognitive distortions.

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Being empathetic is good, but only in healthy situations. Otherwise, it may cause you to become more vulnerable to gaslighting. When you value the opinion of your loved one, their insistence that “you’re remembering it wrong” or “you’re just being overly emotional” hits the heart because it’s natural to value their thoughts, opinions, and beliefs. This is where radical acceptance is so crucial: it becomes necessary to accept that this person can’t be trusted after all, that perhaps they don’t have your best interests at heart.

In order to detach your emotions from the gaslighting, it’s crucial to release the need for validation and even acceptance. Your partner can believe what he wants about you—but it doesn’t change who you truly are. If they want to believe falsehoods, fine—let them, without the desire to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain). When you try to explain your intentions to a gaslighter, you’re providing them with even more material that they can twist and contort to their advantage—and to your confusion.

When you’re in a crazing-making conversation, the moment you begin to feel a creeping doubt in your heart, with questions such as, “well, maybe I’m remembering wrong” or “did I really do that, and just don’t remember?” take that as a sign to stop the conversation. Often these doubts are accompanied by physical sensations such as a heaviness of heart, difficulty breathing, a tightening of the stomach or feeling ill, dizziness, or other sensations. Those are signals from your body telling you something isn’t right—and urging you to pay attention.

A gaslighting relationship involves persistent and ongoing manipulation—remember, abuse is a pattern of behavior. We all tend to gaslight from time to time—and often it’s ourselves we’re gaslighting. For example, trying to convince ourselves that the mistreatment we experienced at the hands of our loved one wasn’t that bad, or to convince ourselves that it wasn’t abuse, is a form of self-gaslighting. People can also gaslight others in isolated incidences, without being a chronic manipulator. It’s important to be on the lookout for all instances of gaslighting no matter where they may occur. The more you’re aware, the more you can protect yourself.

My next articles will cover specific areas of gaslighting, but for this basic overview I want to leave you with a few gaslighting phrases that will help you discern when you’re being manipulated. If you hear these accusations, chances are gaslighting is dominating the twisted conversation.

Gaslighting Phrases:

• Anything that begins with “too”—such as “you’re too sensitive,” “you’re too controlling” or simply “you’re too much.”

• “You made that up!”

• “That’s not how it happened.”

• “You’re remembering wrong.”

• “You always get things mixed up.”

• “You’re just being paranoid.”

• “I never said [or did] that.”

• “Everyone agrees with me.”

• “You’re overreacting.”

• “I was just joking.”

• “There’s something seriously wrong with you.”

• “I think you’re going crazy/you need to get your head checked.”

• “I didn’t do anything wrong, because the Bible says …”

• “Stop exaggerating.”

• “You hate me.”

I’ll again repeat myself, because this is so crucial:

There certainly may be times when we remember things incorrectly or get something confused in our minds. That’s simply a part of being human. The problem arises when these accusations become a chronic infection in your relationship, and you’re no longer allowed to have your own thoughts, opinions, or perceptions of reality. In a healthy relationship, when your spouse questions something that happened with, “I think you might be remembering wrong,” you can realistically analyze the situation and, if you’re sure that you remembered correctly, you can respond with what you know to be true. There aren’t any repercussions, no argument, no desire on the part of your spouse to persist in making you feel crazy. Instead there’s a give-and-take conversation. If both you and your loved one still disagree on what happened, you pleasantly “agree to disagree,” and that’s the end of the conversation.

With gaslighting, the conversation never ends until your head feels like it’s going to explode in confusion and self-doubt.

Yet all is not lost! There is a way to take back your mind—and your heart—from the throes of gaslighting. We’ll get into that topic later. For now, let me leave you with the comfort of knowing that you don’t need the validation of another human being in order to recognize your truth worth and beauty.

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When we’ve been chronically abused and mistreated by an intimate partner, joy seems to drain from the soul. As the months and years pass, the idea of joyful existence seems a distant memory, something unattainable and extinct. The weariness of trying to cope with daily battles feels insurmountable.

Yet it doesn’t have to be that way. Purposefully bringing joy into what feels like a joyless existence will relax your nervous system, boost your immunity, and help release some of the brain fog caused by abuse and gaslighting.

“Laughter is the best medicine” is such a common phrase that we tend to shrug it off. Sure, it feels good to laugh—to really laugh, deep in the belly and firm in the spirit—but the actual benefits of laughter are often overlooked. It’s more than just a feel-good action (or reaction); laughter actually benefits our health, enriches our spirit, and can transform our minds from a state of discouragement to that of inner renewal and healing.

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Is it possible for someone who harbors abusive tendencies to change their attitudes and behaviors in order to become the spouses, parents and people God created them to be?

This is a difficult—and often controversial—topic, so I urge all my subscribers to read carefully, with both an open and guarded heart. As St. Catherine of Siena taught, our hearts should be shaped like a medieval lamp—open at the top and closed at the bottom. In other words, open to receiving God’s wisdom, truth and discernment, and closed to self-delusion, minimization, or clinging to a false sense of hope.

Prisoners of Hope

Before I begin this article, I feel it’s necessary to describe what it’s like to be a “prisoner of hope,” kept in chains to something we desperately hope will happen. This is a unique sort of agony, a tug and pull of our hearts and our rational minds. There’s no resolution to the dilemma as long as we keep clinging to the “what ifs.” These include “What if he changes, what if everything can turn out ok, what if we can eventually be happy …” Those thoughts swirl around the mind like a deafening tornado, drowning out the Christ-centered voice of peace-filled intuition. It creates inner disturbance and chaos that will not be relieved until we radically accept the truth as it is today, in this present moment.

Remaining in an emotionally or physically dangerous relationship is soul-draining. We lose a sense of who we were created to be; the fire in our souls has withered to a mere pilot light. Clinging to a relationship due to a hope of change, yet without seeing any real progress as the years fly away, depletes the self and withers the mind as it continues to be engulfed in the fog of abuse.

Yet not all relationships are like that. In some situations the abusive partner isn’t purposely being manipulative or controlling. They don’t recognize their actions as harmful because they’re so stuck in blame and projection. But then somehow, by some miracle, a light begins to flicker. This often happens during a time of immense upheaval—such as the illness of a spouse or a marital separation.

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When we are in the swirling storm of emotional suffering, we can either adopt ways of thinking and acting that increase our distress or foster ways of thinking and acting that will reduce the likelihood that we will contribute more pain to an already difficult situation.

(Dr. Matthew Breuninger, Finding Freedom in Christ, xiii)

We’ve all suffered in this fallen world, but the amount of suffering we endure depends upon how much we fight our pain versus how much we accept it.

Accepting pain doesn’t mean we have to permit abuse, manipulation, or any other sort of personal injustice, as if it’s our “cross to bear” and there’s nothing we can (or should) do about it. Rather, radically accepting our difficult and even traumatic situations means facing them head-on without falling into the trap of avoidance, minimization, or despair.

Trying to avoid or minimize our pain as a way of attempting to establish a sense of safety accomplishes the opposite. We can only stuff our emotions for a limited time—sooner or later they have to be released, and if they’ve been repressed for too long they’ll come out in a torrential tirade, the pressure having been built up to intolerable proportions.

We sometimes try to quiet our pain because it feels too heavy to carry, too sharp to look at directly. In the moment, turning away can seem like mercy. We may try shrink the suffering into a somewhat manageable portion, convincing ourselves it’s not a big deal, or it doesn’t hurt very much. This minimization can seem like the only way to endure, yet pain that’s neglected will never heal; instead it lingers, quietly deepening until it’s brought into the light.

At some point all avoidance techniques fail—we have to face our situation head-on. When we’re finally able to move through our pain rather than trying to avoid or minimize it, the suffering may initially feel overwhelming, but it’s in this space that healing truly begins.

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Radical Acceptance

One of the most important Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skills—one I teach in the CHRIST Program at Hope’s Garden—is that of radical acceptance.

Radical acceptance means we fully accept reality as it currently is in the present moment, without judgment or wishing things were different. If we mull over thoughts such as, “This never should have happened,” or “Why me?” the nervous system remains in fight, flight or freeze mode and cannot heal. However, when we immerse ourselves in radical acceptance with thoughts such as, “It did happen, and I’m surviving. I don’t like it, but now I can figure out my options,” the body can begin shifting toward regulation and reintegration.

Remember: radical acceptance doesn’t mean we have to approve of what’s happening, nor does it mean we have to like it. In fact, pouring out our anguish in an honest prayer can be very powerful, as in Psalm 142:

With my voice I cry out to the LORD; with my voice I plead for mercy to the LORD. I pour out my complaint before Him; I tell my trouble before Him. When my spirit faints within me, You know my way! In the path where I walk they have hidden a trap for me … no one cares for my soul. I cry to you, O LORD; I say, ‘You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.’ Attend to my cry; for I am brought very low! Deliver me from my persecutors, for they are too strong for me! Bring me out of prison, that I may give thanks to Your name! The righteous will surround me, for You will deal bountifully with me.

Making excuses for harmful behavior isn’t radical acceptance, nor is accepting situations that should never be tolerated. Instead, we’re accepting things as they are in the moment, which gives us the freedom to move into a space of empowerment—once we accept what is, we can decide what’s within our power to change. This may cause sadness, but being afraid of sadness blocks the ability to accept, which ends up increasing our suffering. When we radically accept a situation, we become grounded in the peace of Christ, even if turmoil continues to swirl around us. Without the knowledge—and acceptance—of the truth about any given situation, we’re held prisoner. We’ve relinquished our freedom.

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When we hear the term “stonewalling,” we most often think of it as a negative thing. It doesn’t feel good to be the recipient of a loved one’s cold shoulder, and those who purposely stonewall often do so in order to maintain personal control. Their goal is to penetrate the emotional strength of their target so they can cause destabilization, fear and doubt. This allows them to increase their power over any given situation.

If you’re in a chronically chaotic relationship, you may have found yourself “stonewalling” in situations that feel out of control. This happens when we’re frozen, too overwhelmed to respond, or disassociating due to trauma. It’s not a method of manipulation—it’s a way of safeguarding the soul against the wickedness and snares of abuse and withdrawing the vulnerable heart from further harm. Even Jesus withdrew when necessary.

Harmful stonewalling is when someone purposely grows silent and cold, which often leads to an extended silent treatment for hours or even days after a conflict is over. This form of punishment is designed to force the victim to drop their boundaries, take the blame for an ongoing situation, and to maintain a sense of power. It can take the form of:

• Avoiding eye contact

• Refusing physical contact

• Not speaking, refusing to answer even simple questions

• Leaving the room or the house, often in a stony and very cold manner

Healthy emotional withdrawal can also take the form of avoiding eye contact, using the “grey rock” technique (using simple “yes” or “no” answers without elaborating further), leaving the room or house, etc.

However, the crucial difference between manipulative stonewalling and safeguarding the soul is the intent, not the outward appearances.

The intent of stonewalling is further control and manipulation; the intent of safeguarding the soul through withdrawal is to stay safe—and sane.

When intentionally harmful, stonewalling is a shutting down of emotions, conversation and interactions for the purpose of punishing another. There’s no accountability when stonewalling is used as an abusive tactic. The motivations are power-over, further gaslighting and intentional manipulation. This is different from withdrawing in a healthy way, with the intentions of establishing safety, de-escalating the situation, and trying to prevent further harm.

Safeguarding the soul through healthy withdrawal can also happen unintentionally when a person is emotionally overloaded, chronically dysregulated due to repetitive conflicts, or in the “freeze” mode of the trauma response.

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Emotional Abuse

I’m often asked if stonewalling is a form of emotional abuse. The answer isn’t as clear-cut as I’d like to be, because of the confusion over what stonewalling is—and what it isn’t. Often a victim of abuse will fear they’re being abusive themselves when they need to withdraw for safety reasons, or when they’re so overloaded they’re unable to respond. They assume that because they’re “stonewalling,” they’re being manipulative.

Yet nothing could be further from the truth. Withdrawing for healthy reasons isn’t stonewalling, it’s safeguarding.

When Language Goes Offline

If we’re shutting down unintentionally during high or prolonged conflict, our nervous systems are giving us a clear signal: no more. Our bodies simply cannot handle more trauma, and emotional withdrawal becomes a way of escaping further or potential danger.

That’s not abuse—it’s the result of abuse.

One primary reason we may find ourselves shut down during high-conflict situations—especially if the conflicts are recurring—is because our brain literally goes offline. The prefrontal cortex becomes sluggish and less active, which makes it very difficult to think clearly and to form the correct words. Blood flow moves from the parts of the brain that control language and reasoning in order to shift to the survival systems.

In other words, our bodies are more focused on survival than on describing what survival looks like.

The Broca’s area of the brain—the part that forms speech and grammar, and aids in comprehending language—goes offline. We can’t describe what we’re feeling, we can’t even think of the proper words.

This type of withdrawal isn’t a conscious choice, nor is it a tool of manipulation. It’s our nervous system trying to protect us, and it’s completely out of our control. We freeze, like a deer caught in headlights—unable to figure out what to do, what to say, where to go.

If you feel you’re spiraling into shutdown mode there are a few things you can do to try to prevent total freeze.

• If possible, remove yourself from the situation. Before language shuts down entirely, say something like, “I’m getting overwhelmed and need to take a break.” Always make sure to word your sentences in “I” phrases rather than “you” to avoid more conflict.

• Go for a walk or some other form of physical exercise.

• Splash cold water on your face or hold an ice cube for a few minutes.

To recap:

True stonewalling is a form of emotional abuse because:

• It’s a pattern used to control or manipulate others

• The goal isn’t to safeguard the self from further conflict, but to destabilize others—which makes them easier to gaslight and control

• It’s a way of punishing another into blind submission

• The tactic purposely causes the target to experience anxiety and fear (of abandonment, further retaliation, harm to the children, financial withdrawal, etc.)

• There’s no remorse or apology

“Stonewalling” isn’t abuse when:

• It isn’t truly stonewalling—it’s withdrawing for safety reasons

• It’s an unintentional shutting down out of fear of further abuse

• It’s caused by “flooding”—when the nervous system gets overloaded and cannot properly respond

Recognizing the difference between manipulative stonewalling and healthy safeguarding can help you combat feelings of misplaced guilt and regain your inner balance. Remember, it’s not you—it’s your situation.

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Silence is golden, is it not? At least that’s what the Scottish historian and poet, Thomas Carlyle, supposedly claimed. This statement seems particularly fitting in homes where emotional, verbal and psychological damage is perpetrated on a regular basis. The victims of such abuse have learned the hard way that staying silent means staying safe.

And quite often, that’s true—at least when interacting with the person committing the abuse.

However, silence can also keep us chained up within ourselves. Lost in a whirl of shame or fear about our situation, we often keep silent even when we’re around people who are safe, nurturing, and empathetic. If we keep silent out of fear or misplaced piety, the lack of interaction with others can prove to be a trap of isolation which only increases the effects of domestic abuse.

When we should speak—and when we should keep silent

As always, Sacred Scripture is our ultimate discernment tool when knowing when to speak—and who we should be speaking to. Ecclesiastes 3 reminds us:

All things have their season, and in their times all things pass under heaven … A time to keep silence, and a time to speak (1,7).

Speaking to others—those who have been tested in virtue and steadfastness and are known to be trustworthy—can help relieve our inner burdens and clarify our needs. As St. Thomas Aquinas wrote:

A hurtful thing hurts yet more if we keep it shut up, because the soul is more intent on it: whereas if it be allowed to escape, the soul’s intention is dispersed as it were on outward things, so that the inward sorrow is lessened.

(Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologiae I-II, Q. 38)

But how do we find safe people? And, after all the confusion of gaslighting, manipulation, and crazy-making, how can we manage to free our hearts from the chronic mistrust we’ve developed?

Trusting the Trustworthy

Sometimes it’s easy to know who the safe people are in our lives. Long-standing friendships, family members we can rely on, and other people who have proved their trustworthiness may be obvious. However, those of us who have been jaded by the trauma of being misused by a loved one now tend to find it difficult to trust our intuition about people.

Recognizing safe relationships should be easy, but when we’ve been tricked by covert manipulations into thinking a relationship is safe—then discovering it isn’t—our filter seems to be broken. Who is safe? How can I know I’m reading this person correctly? What if I’m wrong? These are all questions we struggle with after being betrayed by a loved one.

One way to discern a safe relationship is by asking ourselves: Does being with this person help us both draw closer to God? Do I feel like the person God created me to be when I’m around this person?

Other ways you can discern whether or not a person is trustworthy enough to hear your story include:

• They accept you for who you are—and don’t try to mold you into what they want you to be.

• When you disagree, there may be a friendly debate, but no acrimonious words, accusations, or attempts to force you to their perspective. It’s a conversation, not a battle.

• When you tell them something in confidence, they keep it in confidence—without exception.

• After talking with this person you feel nurtured and safe.

• Your conversations are just that—back and forth, give and take, mutually supportive.

• You can be yourself with this person—the good and the ugly. What you are on the inside is what you can express on the outside. You’re still loved, despite your flaws.

• You can feel an implicit sense of understanding and empathy when with this person.

People who aren’t safe to talk to tend to be one-sided (their side), prone to gossip, and have what I call a “Pharisee complex”—they think they’re better than other, and will be sure to “correct” you according to their needs. They put on a facade of competence, holiness, intelligence, or maturity, but those things are only surface deep. When trying to talk to them, you get blasted with gaslighting, a twisting of your words, and crazy-making.

When people are unsafe, it’s best not to JADE: Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain your point of view, actions, or feelings. It won’t do any good. In that case, “Sin is not ended by multiplying words, but the prudent hold their tongues” (Prov. 10:19). Although it may be difficult, keeping silence is often best in many situations. Dante’s quote from the Purgatorio is one I can relate to in regards to situations where I’ve had to zip my mouth despite the verbal venom I was receiving: “While I, spurred on by yet another thirst, kept silent ...” (Dante, Purgatorio XVIII). Or, in the words of Sacred Scripture, “So I remained utterly silent, not even saying anything good. But my anguish increased” (Ps. 39:2).

Yet keeping everything bottled up isn’t the answer, either. When we’ve endured any sort of trauma, talking about it with safe people can be one of the most healing and affirming things we can do for ourselves. Whether we join a support group, a healing and safe community, or have reliable loved ones we can turn to, telling our story is pivotal toward reintegration of self.

Misplaced Guilt

It’s not uncommon for people to feel guilty for talking to safe friends about their issues. They may wonder if it’s a sin to complain about the person who is harming them, or even if they’re engaging in gossip. They worry others will think badly toward their loved one, something they don’t want—even if their loved ones have acted badly.

It’s important to understand the difference between resentful complaints and talking to a friend out of a true need for guidance, empathy, friendship and healing connection. For more on this topic, check out my article, “Healthy Healing vs. Critical Complaint: Talking Openly about Intimate Partner Violence.”

It’s not a sin to seek the companionship of a safe heart. It’s not a sin to tell the facts of our story—including how we feel—without engaging in a desire for revenge or the motivation of manipulating others to be our “side.” It’s not gossip when we’re telling our story because we need the safety of a loving heart who will listen.

There is power in story. There is power in your story, no matter how heartbreaking it may be. Telling our story to safe people helps to internally release it, process it, and clarify needs. Shame is relived, cognitive distortions and lies can be corrected, and our nervous system becomes regulated when in an environment of safety and release. This allows us to process our experiences and gather tangible tips toward moving forward.

Sharing our story helps us break out of isolation and provides the relief of knowing we’re not alone.

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In last week’s article, “Finding Your Joy, Part 1: Releasing Yourself from Functional Freeze” I described how it feels to be stuck in the “freeze” response trauma, while at the same time functioning on what looks like a normal level. I then provided several tips on how to begin thawing from function freeze, and promised to elaborate further on how to heal from traumatic wounds.

One of the best ways to permanently move from a nearly constant state of functional freeze and into a more healthy space is to discover your charisms and seek to develop them in the way God intended. As I’m always telling my clients, “Do what makes your soul sing.” Erase everything in your soul that is not of God—the lies from gaslighting, the doubts, the fear that immobilizes you. This creates the soul space to develop your unique talents—the charisms God has given to you for His glory, the benefit of others, and for your inner life to blossom and thrive.

What is a Charism?

The Holy Spirit has bestowed upon each and every baptized Christian at least one special charism—and often more. Recognizing them and investing them wisely, as God wills (Matt. 25:14-30), is key to healing and regaining your true, authentic self.

But the manifestation of the Spirit is given to every man unto profit. To one indeed, by the Spirit, is given the word of wisdom: and to another, the word of knowledge, according to the same Spirit. To another, faith in the same Spirit: to another, the grace of healing in one Spirit: To another, the working of miracles: to another, prophecy: to another, the discerning of spirits: to another, divers kinds of tongues: to another, interpretation of speeches. But all these things one and the same Spirit worketh, dividing to every one according as He will.

(I Cor. 12:7-11, Douay-Rheims translation)

Living within your charisms is living within your God-given strengths. Your supernatural gifts build character—the unique character God designed for you—and empowers you to be who you ought to be. When God’s special gifts are the solid foundation of your life, the newfound inner strength stretches outward, helping you gain confidence and clarity in all areas of your life. Recapturing a sense of self after being in the throes of gaslighting, coercion, manipulation and other forms of mistreatment means realizing who God created you to be—and where He wants you to go from this point forward.

Hence it is that the Holy Ghost is called a gift; for by the word gift we understand that which is kindly and gratuitously bestowed … Whatever gifts and graces, therefore, have been conferred on us by God … we should piously and gratefully acknowledge as bestowed by the grace and gift of the Holy Ghost. These gifts of the Holy Ghost are numerous.

(Catechism of the Council of Trent)

Charisms are graces given to us for the benefit of not only our own spiritual journey and self-growth, but primarily for the benefit of the Church as well as others. No one has all the charisms, but only those specific to their individual soul. As God the Father told St. Catherine of Siena (regarding virtues, but the same applies to charisms):

Why do I give this person one virtue and that person another, rather than giving them all to one person? I give them in different ways so that one virtue might be, as it were, the source of all the others. So to one person I give charity as the primary virtue, to another justice, to another humility, to another a lively faith or prudence or temperance or patience, and to still another courage. These and many other virtues I give differently to different souls, and the soul is most at ease with that virtue which has been made primary for her … The same is true of many of My gifts and graces, virtue and other spiritual gifts, and those things necessary for the body and human life. I have distributed them all in such a way that no one has all of them. Thus I have given you reason—necessity, in fact—to practice mutual charity. For I could well have supplied each of you with all your needs, both spiritual and material. But I wanted to make you dependent on one another so that each of you would be My minister, dispensing the graces and gifts you have received from Me.

(Dialogue 7)

While there’s no official list of charisms, the most widely acknowledged are:

• Administration

• Celibacy

• Craftsmanship

• Discernment

• Encouragement

• Evangelization

• Faith

• Giving

• Healing

• Helper

• Hospitality

• Intercessory Prayer

• Knowledge

• Leadership

• Mercy

• Missionary

• Music

• Pastoring

• Prophecy

• Service

• Teaching

• Tongues

• Voluntary Poverty

• Wisdom

• Writing

If your main charism—or charisms—are already developed, you may be able to look at that list and discern which areas have been gifted to you. For example, the charism of writing is an obvious one for me, while others may be less clear.

I highly recommend taking the charism assessment from Many Parts Ministries if you’re interested in developing the gifts God has given your individual soul. Jill Simons’ book The Essential Handbook on Living Your Charisms: A Practical Guide for Catholics is also recommended.

Discerning your charisms—and then developing them through various ways such as prayer, spiritual direction, coaching, education, and action—is one the most important ways of regaining your sense of self after trauma or abuse. Not only will you become empowered to be of service to your inner truth as well as to others, you’ll gain a mastery of self-knowledge and a clearer ability to see yourself as God made you—in the beauty of His image and likeness. Developing your charisms will help empower you with a sense of purpose, redeeming the hidden despair caused by abuse and helping you to step into the life God desires for you.

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How can you get yourself back after the emotional and psychological effects of abuse—and do you even know who you truly are any longer? One of the major impacts of coercive control and domestic manipulation is just that—you’re so habituated to the enforced control that a lose your sense of you are, what you love, even how to enjoy life. Creative energy drains away; you feel like a shell of your former self. The weariness of maintaining a coherent daily life exhausts you to the core.

People go into functional freeze because there seems to be no other escape. Fleeing is impossible. Fighting will only create more damage and trauma. Freezing is often the only option when you’re trying to maintain a semblance of safety. It may not be the ideal solution (yet nothing is ideal in such an disordered situation), but it provides relief in the moment, helping to protect you from the full impact of repeated abuse.

Yet freezing—especially when the trauma response extends over weeks, months, or years—comes with consequences.

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What Is Functional Freeze?

The best way to understand functional freeze is to think of it as going on autopilot. It’s difficult for outsiders to tell when you’re in functional freeze because it’s a state that looks normal—you do your household tasks, take the kids to school, maintain your prayer life, cook meals, and do whatever else needs to be accomplished—and you do it all in an efficient manner. You may even attend family gatherings or other social events, smiling and laughing as if all is right with your world.

Yet everything is frozen within your world. You can’t feel your smile, even when your lips turn upward; you can’t enjoy a laugh or even a cry.

In the words of one of my clients:

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The gift of self should be just that: a gift. Giving a gift to someone isn’t a transaction of force or intimidation, but an act of love and togetherness. In the words of St. Pope John Paul II, “there can be no genuine reciprocity based on desire or on a ‘consumer’ attitude.” Love should be “of the highest ethical value,” a “virtuou…

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It’s crucial to protect our hearts and souls against, in the words of the Prayer to St. Michael, “the wickedness and snares of the evil one.” However, protecting the soul against any and all incursions of evil isn’t just a spiritual battle, but a physical one as well. Evil is a twisting of God’s created good into degradation and abuse, a murderous attempt to focus on the self without any concern for the good of others. In the words of M. Scott Peck in People of the Lie:

When I say that evil has to do with killing, I do not mean to restrict myself to corporeal murder. Evil is that which kills spirit. There are various essential attributes of life—particularly human life—such as sentience, mobility, awareness, growth, autonomy, will. It is possible to kill or attempt to kill one of these attributes without actually destroying the body. Thus we may ‘break’ a horse or even a child without harming a hair on its head … Evil then, for the moment, is the force, residing either inside or outside of human beings, that seeks to kill life or liveliness. And goodness is its opposite. Goodness is that which promotes life and liveliness.

How do we protect our soul against the toxic attacks of evil people, or against the covert manipulations of those personalities the Bible calls a “fool”?

A troublemaker, a wicked man, goes about with crooked speech, winks with his eyes, scrapes with his feet, points with his finger, with perverted heart devises evil, continually sowing discord; therefore calamity will come upon him suddenly; in a moment he will be broken beyond healing.

(Prov. 6:12-15)

A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion … A foul’s mouth is his ruin, and his lips are a snare to himself.

(Prov. 18:2,7)

All of us sin, and we’re capable of doing evil things. The difference between an everyday sinner—or even a fool—and an evil person is a matter of hard-heartedness. There’s no shred of remorse in an evil soul, even if they play the victim and try to appear contrite for the sake of further manipulation. Instead, they’re driven by their own self-centered needs in a thoroughly heartless and cruel way. Evil delights in evil, and perpetuates evil. The hardened heart of someone of this caliber is completely unwilling to let God—or other people—into their self-focused bubble, and they don’t care how many people they hurt in order to get whatever they want. Think of Pharaoh in the book of Exodus: “Pharaoh’s heart is hardened, he refuses to let the people go (Ex. 7:14). He’s only concerned about his own perceived needs and expectations; in his mindset, everyone else is on a lower rung than himself.

The fool can also do evil things, but their heart isn’t dominated with purposely hurting others. Their actions tend to be cyclical; there are times when they seem to be contrite, but with an unpredictable predictability they’ll soon fly into another silent or explosive rage. Their poor behavior activates the shame response, causing remorse and self-reproach. However, the feelings of shame are too intense to face, so they’re covered up by another bout of silent or explosive raging.

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I want to start out by first thanking all of my paid subscribers for your continued and faithful support. It’s because of you that I’m able to keep my ministry going, and because of you that I’m able to provide help and resources to others. I can’t express my great appreciation!

For a short time, however, I’ll be putting paid subscriptions on hold until after the 2025 holiday season. Let me explain.

Why?

As the holidays approach, we all get super busy. But for me, it’s more than that. I’m currently hard at work researching the sequel to World Between Worlds, my novel based on the life of St. Catherine of Siena. This in-depth, detailed research takes a great deal of time and energy, and because I’ve received so much feedback and requests for the sequel, I plan to concentrate solely on the new novel in the coming weeks. I won’t even be close to finishing my research when I resume paid subscriptions, but at least I’ll have a firm foundation. I’ll keep you posted on my progress!

I also want to be able to spend my extra energy enjoying the love and blessings of my wonderful family during the joyous celebration of the birth of Christ.

How does this work?

New subscribers won’t be given the option to upgrade to paid until I turn that feature back on. For now, they’ll just receive the occasional free post, and won’t have access to the archive or bonuses.

And for all of you who are paid subscribers, fear not! You’ll still have full access to everything—all the posts, all the bonuses, the works. However, you won’t be charged for the time I’m away.

For example, if you’re a yearly paid subscriber and currently have three months left of your subscription, you’ll still have the full three months left when I resume paid subscriptions in January. Not a moment will be lost!

If you have any questions, feel free to contact me.

Much love and many blessings to everyone during this blessed holiday season!

I have long hair—very long and very thick. Ok, let’s be honest: frizzy is perhaps the best way to describe my unruly mop, and it often gets in the way. Recently when I was closing the blinds in my living room as evening was settling in, I walked past the fireplace. As I did so my hair swung forward and upended the Elf on a Shelf who was innocently minding his own business on the mantle.

I caught the poor fellow just before he hit the floor, and then proceeded to apologize to him for my blunder. “Sorry—so sorry!” escaped my lips before I realized what I’d done.

I’d just apologized to a stuffed elf.

Apologizing unnecessarily is a great fault of mine, an ingrained habit that I’m trying to change. My daughter once gently pointed out this awry character trait by telling me, “You didn’t do anything wrong. Please don’t apologize!” to which I duly responded, “I’m sorry!”

Obviously this is quite an issue.

There can be many reasons why over-apologizing is a go-to habit. It could have been something that was taught to us in childhood, or the result of trauma. Low self-esteem, social anxiety, co-dependency, a driving need to please other people or perfectionism also cause people to over-apologize.

However, in the line of work I do, what I see most often is fear. Individuals blurt out “I’m sorry” when they did nothing wrong in an effort to appease another person, as well as in an effort to avoid conflict. However, in the long run, being a chronic apologizer actually causes more chaos within disordered relationships.

The Negative Effects of Over-Apologizing

If you tend to apologize with the hope of appeasing someone in your life who is emotionally, verbally or psychologically mistreating you, your effort to quell conflict will likely backfire. Saying you’re sorry for something you didn’t do will actually normalize the negative behavior you’re experiencing, and give a clear signal to the one mistreating you that their behavior is acceptable. They’ll assume they’re in the right—yet again—and that you’re the problem. And they won’t hesitate to remind you of this, often and repeatedly.

Over-apologizing:

• will give the person manipulating you an excuse to shift the blame onto you.

• is a form of admitting you were in the wrong—even though you weren’t.

• will open yourself up to being abused further and to having your kind heart taken advantage of.

• tends to lead to a diminished sense of self.

• when habitual, your personal voice and self-worth may become undermined or dismissed.

• Over-apologizing also creates more stress, confusion and doubt about a situation. When you apologize unnecessarily, you’ll begin to wonder if something truly was your fault, which will make you more prone to gaslighting.

Never apologize for setting boundaries, and don’t be bullied into letting your boundaries fall by the wayside. Safeguarding your soul and your heart is of utmost importance.

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Boundaries are essential to every relationship, but they’re also so much more than that. They’re a gift—to yourself, as well as to others. They protect your heart, nourish your soul, foster trust and responsibility, and are a true litmus test of authentic love.

But let’s face it—boundaries are hard to set and often even more difficult to maintain. This is particularly true if your boundaries aren’t respected or are flagrantly rejected. Some people refuse to take ownership of their lives, and instead turn to controlling others as a misguided way to feel in control of themselves. Of course, that never works, so they resort to increasing levels of control in order to maintain their inner—and outer—façade. When they know they can get away with something, they do—and they grasp for more. The old cliché “give an inch and they take a mile” is true in these cases.

If someone repeatedly and persistently tramples upon your boundaries, this speaks volumes about their character. They’re basically saying, “I can do what I want and to whoever I want” without regard for the feelings or needs of others. That should be a major red flag—after all, it’s the same attitude Adam and Eve had, and it caused them to commit the first sin. They didn’t respect God’s boundary of not eating from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil—and the result was disastrous for mankind.

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Stay in control—the healthy way

Remaining firm with your boundaries means not allowing the noxious fumes of gaslighting to fill your head with a dizzying cloud of misgiving, doubt and brain fog.

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The primary topic I get asked about on a regular basis is about transformation: “Can someone who chronically abuses others truly change?” I’ve addressed this before, but since there are still so many questions from both readers and clients, I wanted to talk more about what it takes to sincerely rehaul and reform a personality into one that is virtuous, mutually self-giving, and lovingly empathetic. In this article I’m going to focus on two essential virtues needed in order for change to be permanent and praiseworthy: Humility and Patience.

In order to better understand these virtues, we need to understand why their opposites are so soul-draining.

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Twin Vices: Anger and Impatience

At the heart of coercive control and the desire—whether conscious or not—to gain and maintain power over others lies the dual yet related sins of anger and impatience. Individuals who have allowed themselves to sink into this trap become easily angered, impatient if their target doesn’t “cooperate” in the exact and specified way they desire.

Although untrained in a school of psychology that didn’t exist in her day, fourteenth-century mystic Catherine of Siena (known as Caterina in her native Tuscan language) was an astute student of human behavior. In a 1377 letter to Agnesa Malavolti, a Sienese noblewoman, Caterina wrote:

There is no sin, no vice that gives one such a foretaste of hell in this life as anger and impatience. [The impatient] live in hatred of God and in contempt of their neighbors. They are unwilling to bear or tolerate their neighbors’ shortcomings; they don’t even know how to! Anything that is done or said to them sets them flying, their emotions stirred to anger and impatience like a leaf in the wind. They become unbearable to themselves, because their perverse will is aways gnawing at them, wanting what it cannot have. They are out of sorts with God and with their own rationality. All of this comes from the tree of pride bearing its pith of anger and impatience and making incarnate devils of human beings.

These are very firm statements, and may even sound harsh to our modern sensitivity, so accustomed as we are to watering down the reality of sin. Even so, Caterina’s words are not untrue; they speak a reality that’s better to face than to ignore.

The most common question I hear from clients is “How can I get help for my spouse so he’ll change?” The answer is, sadly, you can’t. As I’ve expressed many times before, we have no power whatsoever to change other people; only they, cooperating with the grace of God, can change themselves.

What would this change look like?

Santissima Pazienza

In her letter to Agnesa Malavolti St. Caterina speaks in length about patience, a virtue she considers such a sacred quality that she refers to it as “Santissima Pazienza,” or “Holy Patience.”

And that’s the tricky part. Someone immersed in a driving desire for power and control, fueled by anger and impatience—”the very pith and sap of pride”—shuns humility. They often claim otherwise, but words are merely that—empty vocalizations—with no foundation unless their actions authentically correspond to that which their lips are proclaiming.

This impatience “befalls them on account of the inordinate love they have for themselves.” Additionally, “there is no remedy for this unless they learn to know themselves and realize that they have offended God. They have to cut down this tree of pride with the sword of humility. This humility nurtures charity in the soul, and charity is a tree of love whose pith is patience and benevolence toward one’s neighbors.”

In Don’t Plant Your Seeds Among Thorns: A Catholic’s Guide to Recognizing and Healing from Domestic Abuse I invest an entire chapter on the topic of changing maladaptive patterns to healthy ones. In that chapter I write:

Authentic change must begin with a foundation of humility … Humility, honesty, openness, and a willingness to confess each and every abusive behavior and attitude are all crucial components of change.

An individual who uses abuse to control their relationship needs to acknowledge their actions and manipulations. They have to own them, admit them, and be determined to reform them. The have to

fully confess everything, in all honesty and without excuse or blame—to you, to anyone else they’ve abused, and to a priest through the Sacrament of Reconciliation.

In order for an individual to transform their life they has to find the Road to Damascus, get on it, and walk. And keep walking all the way to the end, despite the enticing detours and exhaustion that may tempt them to turn back. They can’t remain in their delusional world of power-over, control, twisted mind games, blaming and excuses.

In Acts chapter 9 we read about the abuser Saul, a persecutor of Christians and a man complicit in murder. He hated the followers of Christ and sought to purge them from the world. But then something happened. Something immense, something dazzling, a soul-expanding experience that left Saul prone on the ground with newly awakened love, humility and understanding. On the Road to Damascus, Saul the abuser began his journey toward becoming St. Paul the Apostle.

After his Road to Damascus conversion experience, St. Paul used his God-given free will to authentically remove the abusive patterns in his life in order to completely reform. He gave up his control, his power, and his position, all for Christ.

This is precisely what is needed for authentic soul-change. There is no other path. Only the One.

Humility and patience are the foundations of true charity. Without these, the soul falters and fails, immersing itself in the original sin of pride and presumption. The true litmus test of whether or not someone is changing for the good—and therefore is deserving of our own gift of patience, with the knowledge that it won’t be further abused or trodden underfoot—is the root virtue of Santissima Pazienza. When we look to the Blessed Mother, our foundation for all that is virtuous and patient, we find a model we can rely on as we continue to discern the situations in our lives.

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