In last week’s article I wrote about the “clueless gaslighter”—those people who aren’t aware they’re gaslighting their loved ones, co-workers or friends. They engage in the behavior as a way to get a perceived need met, without thought for how their actions will affect others. As I wrote in “Why Motivations Matter, Pt. 1”:

Someone who chronically gaslights does so because of a self-need rather than a desire for the good of the other. They have an emotional hole they can’t fill, and often don’t even realize they’re wounded. In order to cover shame or to take control of their own reality, they attempt to shift the reality of others—usually loved ones or other close relationships—in order to feel at ease in their world.

Moving up the scale a bit, there are some individuals who are semi-aware of their behaviors. The “somewhat aware” gaslighter is the one who knows they’re not being honest in their interactions, but they don’t connect the dots between their dishonesty and its effects. They’re entrenched in protective mode, and will do all they can to not get “found out.”

They harbor a secret and will do whatever is necessary not to have that secret revealed. It may be a huge secret such as an addiction or affair, or something more internal, such as a desire not to be fully known for fear of rejection. Regardless, they can’t let that side of them be seen by others, so they turn to gaslighting behaviors as a way to cover up their issues. The need to control their partner’s reality doesn’t have a basis in the desire for malevolent power, but in perceived self-preservation.

The behavior of addicts is an ideal illustration of this level of gaslighting. For example, a person who has a pornography addiction will gaslight their spouse in order to hide their sin. If their spouse finds evidence of pornography on their computer, they’ll knowingly lie to cover their tracks. “I have no idea how that pop-up got there,” or “I swear I never went on that website—maybe my computer has a virus” are examples of lies and excuses with a goal of self-protection. A victim may be told she imagined evidence she saw with her own eyes, coupled with accusations that she’s upset over nothing, losing her mind, or over-reacting.

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Do people engage in gaslighting behaviors because they’re inherently cruel, sadistic or narcissistic? In the 1944 film Gaslight the main character, Gregory—played by Charles Boyer—certainly is cruel. He purposely manipulates his wife through visual, auditory and emotional illusions, crafting situations to make her distrust herself and to progressively convince her she’s going insane.

First he love bombs Paula—played by Ingrid Bergman—and, through his manipulations, convinces her to marry him. Aware of a treasure hidden in the attic of the house left to Paula by her aunt, he then manipulates her into moving into the home.

From there, he proceeds to do all sorts of things to get Paula to doubt her reality and her sanity, with a goal of getting her removed from the home so he can have unrestricted access to the treasure he hopes to find. Pictures disappear from the walls, Paula hears unexpected noises, and even jewelry goes missing—only to mysteriously appear again. Then the gaslights in the house begin flickering, but no one else notices except Paula—or so Gregory claims. He tells her she’s imagining all these things, and convinces her that she’s not well and should stay home where it’s safe (which is the typical tactic of abuse isolation). Paula doubts her own reality, her sense of self, and her sanity.

While there certainly are people who intentionally seek to gaslight others in order to attain their own nefarious goals, those people are the exception, not the rule. Many people aren’t even aware that they’re gaslighting their loved ones or co-workers, while others are somewhat aware, but not fully cognizant of the negative effects their actions have on others. In this article I’ll discuss what I call the “clueless gaslighter,” and in next week’s article we’ll dive into the “somewhat aware” gaslighter—including the motivations behind their behaviors.

Regardless of the level of awareness someone may have, manipulation is always a form of covert abuse; it’s stealthy, confusing and destructive. The gaslightee often has a feeling that something isn’t quite right, yet she can’t put a name to what that something actually is.

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Gaslighting has become a popular topic, a buzz word thrown around sometimes too haphazardly, yet what do we truly know about it? Most of us are familiar with the basics such as where the term came from (it was coined by Dr. Robin Stern and based on the 1944 Ingrid Bergman movie Gaslight) and what it is (when one person attempts to manipulate a situation by causing another to doubt their perceptions and memory). Going beyond the basics involves an in-depth look at all the nuances of this form of manipulation, which is what I intend to do over the next few articles.

It takes at least two people for gaslighting to occur—the gaslighter and the gaslightee. If someone refuses to fall for the attempted manipulation, gaslighting cannot take place. When you gain the ability to recognize gaslighting in the moment it’s occurring, yet you don’t do something to “turn off the gas,” you’re encouraging the abuse. Obviously, that’s not an ideal situation. The purpose of these articles will be to help you recognize subtle signs of gaslighting, what a gaslighting conversation looks like, and how you can take your power back by not allowing the manipulation to settle into your mind and your heart.

When you care about how others perceive you, the vulnerability to being gaslight increases. That’s tough in an intimate relationship, because it’s natural to care about how your loved one views you.

Additionally, most people who are prone to being gaslit are highly empathetic. Empathy is a necessary and desired quality in a relationship, yet it must extend to both partners. If only one partner is empathetic and the other is oblivious—or, worse, utterly self-focused—then empathy can become a detriment. The empathetic partner gives and gives—and gives again—only to receive blame and accusation in response. During a disagreement, the empathetic partner will go out of her way to understand her spouse’s point of view, trying to remain fair and open-minded. The partner who isn’t empathetic focuses on his personal needs and desires, oblivious of any perspective except his own. This self-focused mindset causes his sense of reality to become twisted with a variety of cognitive distortions.

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Being empathetic is good, but only in healthy situations. Otherwise, it may cause you to become more vulnerable to gaslighting. When you value the opinion of your loved one, their insistence that “you’re remembering it wrong” or “you’re just being overly emotional” hits the heart because it’s natural to value their thoughts, opinions, and beliefs. This is where radical acceptance is so crucial: it becomes necessary to accept that this person can’t be trusted after all, that perhaps they don’t have your best interests at heart.

In order to detach your emotions from the gaslighting, it’s crucial to release the need for validation and even acceptance. Your partner can believe what he wants about you—but it doesn’t change who you truly are. If they want to believe falsehoods, fine—let them, without the desire to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain). When you try to explain your intentions to a gaslighter, you’re providing them with even more material that they can twist and contort to their advantage—and to your confusion.

When you’re in a crazing-making conversation, the moment you begin to feel a creeping doubt in your heart, with questions such as, “well, maybe I’m remembering wrong” or “did I really do that, and just don’t remember?” take that as a sign to stop the conversation. Often these doubts are accompanied by physical sensations such as a heaviness of heart, difficulty breathing, a tightening of the stomach or feeling ill, dizziness, or other sensations. Those are signals from your body telling you something isn’t right—and urging you to pay attention.

A gaslighting relationship involves persistent and ongoing manipulation—remember, abuse is a pattern of behavior. We all tend to gaslight from time to time—and often it’s ourselves we’re gaslighting. For example, trying to convince ourselves that the mistreatment we experienced at the hands of our loved one wasn’t that bad, or to convince ourselves that it wasn’t abuse, is a form of self-gaslighting. People can also gaslight others in isolated incidences, without being a chronic manipulator. It’s important to be on the lookout for all instances of gaslighting no matter where they may occur. The more you’re aware, the more you can protect yourself.

My next articles will cover specific areas of gaslighting, but for this basic overview I want to leave you with a few gaslighting phrases that will help you discern when you’re being manipulated. If you hear these accusations, chances are gaslighting is dominating the twisted conversation.

Gaslighting Phrases:

• Anything that begins with “too”—such as “you’re too sensitive,” “you’re too controlling” or simply “you’re too much.”

• “You made that up!”

• “That’s not how it happened.”

• “You’re remembering wrong.”

• “You always get things mixed up.”

• “You’re just being paranoid.”

• “I never said [or did] that.”

• “Everyone agrees with me.”

• “You’re overreacting.”

• “I was just joking.”

• “There’s something seriously wrong with you.”

• “I think you’re going crazy/you need to get your head checked.”

• “I didn’t do anything wrong, because the Bible says …”

• “Stop exaggerating.”

• “You hate me.”

I’ll again repeat myself, because this is so crucial:

There certainly may be times when we remember things incorrectly or get something confused in our minds. That’s simply a part of being human. The problem arises when these accusations become a chronic infection in your relationship, and you’re no longer allowed to have your own thoughts, opinions, or perceptions of reality. In a healthy relationship, when your spouse questions something that happened with, “I think you might be remembering wrong,” you can realistically analyze the situation and, if you’re sure that you remembered correctly, you can respond with what you know to be true. There aren’t any repercussions, no argument, no desire on the part of your spouse to persist in making you feel crazy. Instead there’s a give-and-take conversation. If both you and your loved one still disagree on what happened, you pleasantly “agree to disagree,” and that’s the end of the conversation.

With gaslighting, the conversation never ends until your head feels like it’s going to explode in confusion and self-doubt.

Yet all is not lost! There is a way to take back your mind—and your heart—from the throes of gaslighting. We’ll get into that topic later. For now, let me leave you with the comfort of knowing that you don’t need the validation of another human being in order to recognize your truth worth and beauty.

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When we’ve been chronically abused and mistreated by an intimate partner, joy seems to drain from the soul. As the months and years pass, the idea of joyful existence seems a distant memory, something unattainable and extinct. The weariness of trying to cope with daily battles feels insurmountable.

Yet it doesn’t have to be that way. Purposefully bringing joy into what feels like a joyless existence will relax your nervous system, boost your immunity, and help release some of the brain fog caused by abuse and gaslighting.

“Laughter is the best medicine” is such a common phrase that we tend to shrug it off. Sure, it feels good to laugh—to really laugh, deep in the belly and firm in the spirit—but the actual benefits of laughter are often overlooked. It’s more than just a feel-good action (or reaction); laughter actually benefits our health, enriches our spirit, and can transform our minds from a state of discouragement to that of inner renewal and healing.

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Is it possible for someone who harbors abusive tendencies to change their attitudes and behaviors in order to become the spouses, parents and people God created them to be?

This is a difficult—and often controversial—topic, so I urge all my subscribers to read carefully, with both an open and guarded heart. As St. Catherine of Siena taught, our hearts should be shaped like a medieval lamp—open at the top and closed at the bottom. In other words, open to receiving God’s wisdom, truth and discernment, and closed to self-delusion, minimization, or clinging to a false sense of hope.

Prisoners of Hope

Before I begin this article, I feel it’s necessary to describe what it’s like to be a “prisoner of hope,” kept in chains to something we desperately hope will happen. This is a unique sort of agony, a tug and pull of our hearts and our rational minds. There’s no resolution to the dilemma as long as we keep clinging to the “what ifs.” These include “What if he changes, what if everything can turn out ok, what if we can eventually be happy …” Those thoughts swirl around the mind like a deafening tornado, drowning out the Christ-centered voice of peace-filled intuition. It creates inner disturbance and chaos that will not be relieved until we radically accept the truth as it is today, in this present moment.

Remaining in an emotionally or physically dangerous relationship is soul-draining. We lose a sense of who we were created to be; the fire in our souls has withered to a mere pilot light. Clinging to a relationship due to a hope of change, yet without seeing any real progress as the years fly away, depletes the self and withers the mind as it continues to be engulfed in the fog of abuse.

Yet not all relationships are like that. In some situations the abusive partner isn’t purposely being manipulative or controlling. They don’t recognize their actions as harmful because they’re so stuck in blame and projection. But then somehow, by some miracle, a light begins to flicker. This often happens during a time of immense upheaval—such as the illness of a spouse or a marital separation.

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When we are in the swirling storm of emotional suffering, we can either adopt ways of thinking and acting that increase our distress or foster ways of thinking and acting that will reduce the likelihood that we will contribute more pain to an already difficult situation.

(Dr. Matthew Breuninger, Finding Freedom in Christ, xiii)

We’ve all suffered in this fallen world, but the amount of suffering we endure depends upon how much we fight our pain versus how much we accept it.

Accepting pain doesn’t mean we have to permit abuse, manipulation, or any other sort of personal injustice, as if it’s our “cross to bear” and there’s nothing we can (or should) do about it. Rather, radically accepting our difficult and even traumatic situations means facing them head-on without falling into the trap of avoidance, minimization, or despair.

Trying to avoid or minimize our pain as a way of attempting to establish a sense of safety accomplishes the opposite. We can only stuff our emotions for a limited time—sooner or later they have to be released, and if they’ve been repressed for too long they’ll come out in a torrential tirade, the pressure having been built up to intolerable proportions.

We sometimes try to quiet our pain because it feels too heavy to carry, too sharp to look at directly. In the moment, turning away can seem like mercy. We may try shrink the suffering into a somewhat manageable portion, convincing ourselves it’s not a big deal, or it doesn’t hurt very much. This minimization can seem like the only way to endure, yet pain that’s neglected will never heal; instead it lingers, quietly deepening until it’s brought into the light.

At some point all avoidance techniques fail—we have to face our situation head-on. When we’re finally able to move through our pain rather than trying to avoid or minimize it, the suffering may initially feel overwhelming, but it’s in this space that healing truly begins.

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Radical Acceptance

One of the most important Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skills—one I teach in the CHRIST Program at Hope’s Garden—is that of radical acceptance.

Radical acceptance means we fully accept reality as it currently is in the present moment, without judgment or wishing things were different. If we mull over thoughts such as, “This never should have happened,” or “Why me?” the nervous system remains in fight, flight or freeze mode and cannot heal. However, when we immerse ourselves in radical acceptance with thoughts such as, “It did happen, and I’m surviving. I don’t like it, but now I can figure out my options,” the body can begin shifting toward regulation and reintegration.

Remember: radical acceptance doesn’t mean we have to approve of what’s happening, nor does it mean we have to like it. In fact, pouring out our anguish in an honest prayer can be very powerful, as in Psalm 142:

With my voice I cry out to the LORD; with my voice I plead for mercy to the LORD. I pour out my complaint before Him; I tell my trouble before Him. When my spirit faints within me, You know my way! In the path where I walk they have hidden a trap for me … no one cares for my soul. I cry to you, O LORD; I say, ‘You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.’ Attend to my cry; for I am brought very low! Deliver me from my persecutors, for they are too strong for me! Bring me out of prison, that I may give thanks to Your name! The righteous will surround me, for You will deal bountifully with me.

Making excuses for harmful behavior isn’t radical acceptance, nor is accepting situations that should never be tolerated. Instead, we’re accepting things as they are in the moment, which gives us the freedom to move into a space of empowerment—once we accept what is, we can decide what’s within our power to change. This may cause sadness, but being afraid of sadness blocks the ability to accept, which ends up increasing our suffering. When we radically accept a situation, we become grounded in the peace of Christ, even if turmoil continues to swirl around us. Without the knowledge—and acceptance—of the truth about any given situation, we’re held prisoner. We’ve relinquished our freedom.

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When we hear the term “stonewalling,” we most often think of it as a negative thing. It doesn’t feel good to be the recipient of a loved one’s cold shoulder, and those who purposely stonewall often do so in order to maintain personal control. Their goal is to penetrate the emotional strength of their target so they can cause destabilization, fear and doubt. This allows them to increase their power over any given situation.

If you’re in a chronically chaotic relationship, you may have found yourself “stonewalling” in situations that feel out of control. This happens when we’re frozen, too overwhelmed to respond, or disassociating due to trauma. It’s not a method of manipulation—it’s a way of safeguarding the soul against the wickedness and snares of abuse and withdrawing the vulnerable heart from further harm. Even Jesus withdrew when necessary.

Harmful stonewalling is when someone purposely grows silent and cold, which often leads to an extended silent treatment for hours or even days after a conflict is over. This form of punishment is designed to force the victim to drop their boundaries, take the blame for an ongoing situation, and to maintain a sense of power. It can take the form of:

• Avoiding eye contact

• Refusing physical contact

• Not speaking, refusing to answer even simple questions

• Leaving the room or the house, often in a stony and very cold manner

Healthy emotional withdrawal can also take the form of avoiding eye contact, using the “grey rock” technique (using simple “yes” or “no” answers without elaborating further), leaving the room or house, etc.

However, the crucial difference between manipulative stonewalling and safeguarding the soul is the intent, not the outward appearances.

The intent of stonewalling is further control and manipulation; the intent of safeguarding the soul through withdrawal is to stay safe—and sane.

When intentionally harmful, stonewalling is a shutting down of emotions, conversation and interactions for the purpose of punishing another. There’s no accountability when stonewalling is used as an abusive tactic. The motivations are power-over, further gaslighting and intentional manipulation. This is different from withdrawing in a healthy way, with the intentions of establishing safety, de-escalating the situation, and trying to prevent further harm.

Safeguarding the soul through healthy withdrawal can also happen unintentionally when a person is emotionally overloaded, chronically dysregulated due to repetitive conflicts, or in the “freeze” mode of the trauma response.

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Emotional Abuse

I’m often asked if stonewalling is a form of emotional abuse. The answer isn’t as clear-cut as I’d like to be, because of the confusion over what stonewalling is—and what it isn’t. Often a victim of abuse will fear they’re being abusive themselves when they need to withdraw for safety reasons, or when they’re so overloaded they’re unable to respond. They assume that because they’re “stonewalling,” they’re being manipulative.

Yet nothing could be further from the truth. Withdrawing for healthy reasons isn’t stonewalling, it’s safeguarding.

When Language Goes Offline

If we’re shutting down unintentionally during high or prolonged conflict, our nervous systems are giving us a clear signal: no more. Our bodies simply cannot handle more trauma, and emotional withdrawal becomes a way of escaping further or potential danger.

That’s not abuse—it’s the result of abuse.

One primary reason we may find ourselves shut down during high-conflict situations—especially if the conflicts are recurring—is because our brain literally goes offline. The prefrontal cortex becomes sluggish and less active, which makes it very difficult to think clearly and to form the correct words. Blood flow moves from the parts of the brain that control language and reasoning in order to shift to the survival systems.

In other words, our bodies are more focused on survival than on describing what survival looks like.

The Broca’s area of the brain—the part that forms speech and grammar, and aids in comprehending language—goes offline. We can’t describe what we’re feeling, we can’t even think of the proper words.

This type of withdrawal isn’t a conscious choice, nor is it a tool of manipulation. It’s our nervous system trying to protect us, and it’s completely out of our control. We freeze, like a deer caught in headlights—unable to figure out what to do, what to say, where to go.

If you feel you’re spiraling into shutdown mode there are a few things you can do to try to prevent total freeze.

• If possible, remove yourself from the situation. Before language shuts down entirely, say something like, “I’m getting overwhelmed and need to take a break.” Always make sure to word your sentences in “I” phrases rather than “you” to avoid more conflict.

• Go for a walk or some other form of physical exercise.

• Splash cold water on your face or hold an ice cube for a few minutes.

To recap:

True stonewalling is a form of emotional abuse because:

• It’s a pattern used to control or manipulate others

• The goal isn’t to safeguard the self from further conflict, but to destabilize others—which makes them easier to gaslight and control

• It’s a way of punishing another into blind submission

• The tactic purposely causes the target to experience anxiety and fear (of abandonment, further retaliation, harm to the children, financial withdrawal, etc.)

• There’s no remorse or apology

“Stonewalling” isn’t abuse when:

• It isn’t truly stonewalling—it’s withdrawing for safety reasons

• It’s an unintentional shutting down out of fear of further abuse

• It’s caused by “flooding”—when the nervous system gets overloaded and cannot properly respond

Recognizing the difference between manipulative stonewalling and healthy safeguarding can help you combat feelings of misplaced guilt and regain your inner balance. Remember, it’s not you—it’s your situation.

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Silence is golden, is it not? At least that’s what the Scottish historian and poet, Thomas Carlyle, supposedly claimed. This statement seems particularly fitting in homes where emotional, verbal and psychological damage is perpetrated on a regular basis. The victims of such abuse have learned the hard way that staying silent means staying safe.

And quite often, that’s true—at least when interacting with the person committing the abuse.

However, silence can also keep us chained up within ourselves. Lost in a whirl of shame or fear about our situation, we often keep silent even when we’re around people who are safe, nurturing, and empathetic. If we keep silent out of fear or misplaced piety, the lack of interaction with others can prove to be a trap of isolation which only increases the effects of domestic abuse.

When we should speak—and when we should keep silent

As always, Sacred Scripture is our ultimate discernment tool when knowing when to speak—and who we should be speaking to. Ecclesiastes 3 reminds us:

All things have their season, and in their times all things pass under heaven … A time to keep silence, and a time to speak (1,7).

Speaking to others—those who have been tested in virtue and steadfastness and are known to be trustworthy—can help relieve our inner burdens and clarify our needs. As St. Thomas Aquinas wrote:

A hurtful thing hurts yet more if we keep it shut up, because the soul is more intent on it: whereas if it be allowed to escape, the soul’s intention is dispersed as it were on outward things, so that the inward sorrow is lessened.

(Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologiae I-II, Q. 38)

But how do we find safe people? And, after all the confusion of gaslighting, manipulation, and crazy-making, how can we manage to free our hearts from the chronic mistrust we’ve developed?

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In last week’s article, “Finding Your Joy, Part 1: Releasing Yourself from Functional Freeze” I described how it feels to be stuck in the “freeze” response trauma, while at the same time functioning on what looks like a normal level. I then provided several tips on how to begin thawing from function freeze, and promised to elaborate…

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How can you get yourself back after the emotional and psychological effects of abuse—and do you even know who you truly are any longer? One of the major impacts of coercive control and domestic manipulation is just that—you’re so habituated to the enforced control that a lose your sense of you are, what you love, even how to enjoy life. Creative energy drains away; you feel like a shell of your former self. The weariness of maintaining a coherent daily life exhausts you to the core.

People go into functional freeze because there seems to be no other escape. Fleeing is impossible. Fighting will only create more damage and trauma. Freezing is often the only option when you’re trying to maintain a semblance of safety. It may not be the ideal solution (yet nothing is ideal in such an disordered situation), but it provides relief in the moment, helping to protect you from the full impact of repeated abuse.

Yet freezing—especially when the trauma response extends over weeks, months, or years—comes with consequences.

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What Is Functional Freeze?

The best way to understand functional freeze is to think of it as going on autopilot. It’s difficult for outsiders to tell when you’re in functional freeze because it’s a state that looks normal—you do your household tasks, take the kids to school, maintain your prayer life, cook meals, and do whatever else needs to be accomplished—and you do it all in an efficient manner. You may even attend family gatherings or other social events, smiling and laughing as if all is right with your world.

Yet everything is frozen within your world. You can’t feel your smile, even when your lips turn upward; you can’t enjoy a laugh or even a cry.

In the words of one of my clients:

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The gift of self should be just that: a gift. Giving a gift to someone isn’t a transaction of force or intimidation, but an act of love and togetherness. In the words of St. Pope John Paul II, “there can be no genuine reciprocity based on desire or on a ‘consumer’ attitude.” Love should be “of the highest ethical value,” a “virtuou…

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It’s crucial to protect our hearts and souls against, in the words of the Prayer to St. Michael, “the wickedness and snares of the evil one.” However, protecting the soul against any and all incursions of evil isn’t just a spiritual battle, but a physical one as well. Evil is a twisting of God’s created good into degradation and abuse, a murderous attempt to focus on the self without any concern for the good of others. In the words of M. Scott Peck in People of the Lie:

When I say that evil has to do with killing, I do not mean to restrict myself to corporeal murder. Evil is that which kills spirit. There are various essential attributes of life—particularly human life—such as sentience, mobility, awareness, growth, autonomy, will. It is possible to kill or attempt to kill one of these attributes without actually destroying the body. Thus we may ‘break’ a horse or even a child without harming a hair on its head … Evil then, for the moment, is the force, residing either inside or outside of human beings, that seeks to kill life or liveliness. And goodness is its opposite. Goodness is that which promotes life and liveliness.

How do we protect our soul against the toxic attacks of evil people, or against the covert manipulations of those personalities the Bible calls a “fool”?

A troublemaker, a wicked man, goes about with crooked speech, winks with his eyes, scrapes with his feet, points with his finger, with perverted heart devises evil, continually sowing discord; therefore calamity will come upon him suddenly; in a moment he will be broken beyond healing.

(Prov. 6:12-15)

A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion … A foul’s mouth is his ruin, and his lips are a snare to himself.

(Prov. 18:2,7)

All of us sin, and we’re capable of doing evil things. The difference between an everyday sinner—or even a fool—and an evil person is a matter of hard-heartedness. There’s no shred of remorse in an evil soul, even if they play the victim and try to appear contrite for the sake of further manipulation. Instead, they’re driven by their own self-centered needs in a thoroughly heartless and cruel way. Evil delights in evil, and perpetuates evil. The hardened heart of someone of this caliber is completely unwilling to let God—or other people—into their self-focused bubble, and they don’t care how many people they hurt in order to get whatever they want. Think of Pharaoh in the book of Exodus: “Pharaoh’s heart is hardened, he refuses to let the people go (Ex. 7:14). He’s only concerned about his own perceived needs and expectations; in his mindset, everyone else is on a lower rung than himself.

The fool can also do evil things, but their heart isn’t dominated with purposely hurting others. Their actions tend to be cyclical; there are times when they seem to be contrite, but with an unpredictable predictability they’ll soon fly into another silent or explosive rage. Their poor behavior activates the shame response, causing remorse and self-reproach. However, the feelings of shame are too intense to face, so they’re covered up by another bout of silent or explosive raging.

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I want to start out by first thanking all of my paid subscribers for your continued and faithful support. It’s because of you that I’m able to keep my ministry going, and because of you that I’m able to provide help and resources to others. I can’t express my great appreciation!

For a short time, however, I’ll be putting paid subscriptions on hold until after the 2025 holiday season. Let me explain.

Why?

As the holidays approach, we all get super busy. But for me, it’s more than that. I’m currently hard at work researching the sequel to World Between Worlds, my novel based on the life of St. Catherine of Siena. This in-depth, detailed research takes a great deal of time and energy, and because I’ve received so much feedback and requests for the sequel, I plan to concentrate solely on the new novel in the coming weeks. I won’t even be close to finishing my research when I resume paid subscriptions, but at least I’ll have a firm foundation. I’ll keep you posted on my progress!

I also want to be able to spend my extra energy enjoying the love and blessings of my wonderful family during the joyous celebration of the birth of Christ.

How does this work?

New subscribers won’t be given the option to upgrade to paid until I turn that feature back on. For now, they’ll just receive the occasional free post, and won’t have access to the archive or bonuses.

And for all of you who are paid subscribers, fear not! You’ll still have full access to everything—all the posts, all the bonuses, the works. However, you won’t be charged for the time I’m away.

For example, if you’re a yearly paid subscriber and currently have three months left of your subscription, you’ll still have the full three months left when I resume paid subscriptions in January. Not a moment will be lost!

If you have any questions, feel free to contact me.

Much love and many blessings to everyone during this blessed holiday season!

I have long hair—very long and very thick. Ok, let’s be honest: frizzy is perhaps the best way to describe my unruly mop, and it often gets in the way. Recently when I was closing the blinds in my living room as evening was settling in, I walked past the fireplace. As I did so my hair swung forward and upended the Elf on a Shelf who was innocently minding his own business on the mantle.

I caught the poor fellow just before he hit the floor, and then proceeded to apologize to him for my blunder. “Sorry—so sorry!” escaped my lips before I realized what I’d done.

I’d just apologized to a stuffed elf.

Apologizing unnecessarily is a great fault of mine, an ingrained habit that I’m trying to change. My daughter once gently pointed out this awry character trait by telling me, “You didn’t do anything wrong. Please don’t apologize!” to which I duly responded, “I’m sorry!”

Obviously this is quite an issue.

There can be many reasons why over-apologizing is a go-to habit. It could have been something that was taught to us in childhood, or the result of trauma. Low self-esteem, social anxiety, co-dependency, a driving need to please other people or perfectionism also cause people to over-apologize.

However, in the line of work I do, what I see most often is fear. Individuals blurt out “I’m sorry” when they did nothing wrong in an effort to appease another person, as well as in an effort to avoid conflict. However, in the long run, being a chronic apologizer actually causes more chaos within disordered relationships.

The Negative Effects of Over-Apologizing

If you tend to apologize with the hope of appeasing someone in your life who is emotionally, verbally or psychologically mistreating you, your effort to quell conflict will likely backfire. Saying you’re sorry for something you didn’t do will actually normalize the negative behavior you’re experiencing, and give a clear signal to the one mistreating you that their behavior is acceptable. They’ll assume they’re in the right—yet again—and that you’re the problem. And they won’t hesitate to remind you of this, often and repeatedly.

Over-apologizing:

• will give the person manipulating you an excuse to shift the blame onto you.

• is a form of admitting you were in the wrong—even though you weren’t.

• will open yourself up to being abused further and to having your kind heart taken advantage of.

• tends to lead to a diminished sense of self.

• when habitual, your personal voice and self-worth may become undermined or dismissed.

• Over-apologizing also creates more stress, confusion and doubt about a situation. When you apologize unnecessarily, you’ll begin to wonder if something truly was your fault, which will make you more prone to gaslighting.

Never apologize for setting boundaries, and don’t be bullied into letting your boundaries fall by the wayside. Safeguarding your soul and your heart is of utmost importance.

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Boundaries are essential to every relationship, but they’re also so much more than that. They’re a gift—to yourself, as well as to others. They protect your heart, nourish your soul, foster trust and responsibility, and are a true litmus test of authentic love.

But let’s face it—boundaries are hard to set and often even more difficult to maintain. This is particularly true if your boundaries aren’t respected or are flagrantly rejected. Some people refuse to take ownership of their lives, and instead turn to controlling others as a misguided way to feel in control of themselves. Of course, that never works, so they resort to increasing levels of control in order to maintain their inner—and outer—façade. When they know they can get away with something, they do—and they grasp for more. The old cliché “give an inch and they take a mile” is true in these cases.

If someone repeatedly and persistently tramples upon your boundaries, this speaks volumes about their character. They’re basically saying, “I can do what I want and to whoever I want” without regard for the feelings or needs of others. That should be a major red flag—after all, it’s the same attitude Adam and Eve had, and it caused them to commit the first sin. They didn’t respect God’s boundary of not eating from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil—and the result was disastrous for mankind.

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Stay in control—the healthy way

Remaining firm with your boundaries means not allowing the noxious fumes of gaslighting to fill your head with a dizzying cloud of misgiving, doubt and brain fog.

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The primary topic I get asked about on a regular basis is about transformation: “Can someone who chronically abuses others truly change?” I’ve addressed this before, but since there are still so many questions from both readers and clients, I wanted to talk more about what it takes to sincerely rehaul and reform a personality into one that is virtuous, mutually self-giving, and lovingly empathetic. In this article I’m going to focus on two essential virtues needed in order for change to be permanent and praiseworthy: Humility and Patience.

In order to better understand these virtues, we need to understand why their opposites are so soul-draining.

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Twin Vices: Anger and Impatience

At the heart of coercive control and the desire—whether conscious or not—to gain and maintain power over others lies the dual yet related sins of anger and impatience. Individuals who have allowed themselves to sink into this trap become easily angered, impatient if their target doesn’t “cooperate” in the exact and specified way they desire.

Although untrained in a school of psychology that didn’t exist in her day, fourteenth-century mystic Catherine of Siena (known as Caterina in her native Tuscan language) was an astute student of human behavior. In a 1377 letter to Agnesa Malavolti, a Sienese noblewoman, Caterina wrote:

There is no sin, no vice that gives one such a foretaste of hell in this life as anger and impatience. [The impatient] live in hatred of God and in contempt of their neighbors. They are unwilling to bear or tolerate their neighbors’ shortcomings; they don’t even know how to! Anything that is done or said to them sets them flying, their emotions stirred to anger and impatience like a leaf in the wind. They become unbearable to themselves, because their perverse will is aways gnawing at them, wanting what it cannot have. They are out of sorts with God and with their own rationality. All of this comes from the tree of pride bearing its pith of anger and impatience and making incarnate devils of human beings.

These are very firm statements, and may even sound harsh to our modern sensitivity, so accustomed as we are to watering down the reality of sin. Even so, Caterina’s words are not untrue; they speak a reality that’s better to face than to ignore.

The most common question I hear from clients is “How can I get help for my spouse so he’ll change?” The answer is, sadly, you can’t. As I’ve expressed many times before, we have no power whatsoever to change other people; only they, cooperating with the grace of God, can change themselves.

What would this change look like?

Santissima Pazienza

In her letter to Agnesa Malavolti St. Caterina speaks in length about patience, a virtue she considers such a sacred quality that she refers to it as “Santissima Pazienza,” or “Holy Patience.”

And that’s the tricky part. Someone immersed in a driving desire for power and control, fueled by anger and impatience—”the very pith and sap of pride”—shuns humility. They often claim otherwise, but words are merely that—empty vocalizations—with no foundation unless their actions authentically correspond to that which their lips are proclaiming.

This impatience “befalls them on account of the inordinate love they have for themselves.” Additionally, “there is no remedy for this unless they learn to know themselves and realize that they have offended God. They have to cut down this tree of pride with the sword of humility. This humility nurtures charity in the soul, and charity is a tree of love whose pith is patience and benevolence toward one’s neighbors.”

In Don’t Plant Your Seeds Among Thorns: A Catholic’s Guide to Recognizing and Healing from Domestic Abuse I invest an entire chapter on the topic of changing maladaptive patterns to healthy ones. In that chapter I write:

Authentic change must begin with a foundation of humility … Humility, honesty, openness, and a willingness to confess each and every abusive behavior and attitude are all crucial components of change.

An individual who uses abuse to control their relationship needs to acknowledge their actions and manipulations. They have to own them, admit them, and be determined to reform them. The have to

fully confess everything, in all honesty and without excuse or blame—to you, to anyone else they’ve abused, and to a priest through the Sacrament of Reconciliation.

In order for an individual to transform their life they has to find the Road to Damascus, get on it, and walk. And keep walking all the way to the end, despite the enticing detours and exhaustion that may tempt them to turn back. They can’t remain in their delusional world of power-over, control, twisted mind games, blaming and excuses.

In Acts chapter 9 we read about the abuser Saul, a persecutor of Christians and a man complicit in murder. He hated the followers of Christ and sought to purge them from the world. But then something happened. Something immense, something dazzling, a soul-expanding experience that left Saul prone on the ground with newly awakened love, humility and understanding. On the Road to Damascus, Saul the abuser began his journey toward becoming St. Paul the Apostle.

After his Road to Damascus conversion experience, St. Paul used his God-given free will to authentically remove the abusive patterns in his life in order to completely reform. He gave up his control, his power, and his position, all for Christ.

This is precisely what is needed for authentic soul-change. There is no other path. Only the One.

Humility and patience are the foundations of true charity. Without these, the soul falters and fails, immersing itself in the original sin of pride and presumption. The true litmus test of whether or not someone is changing for the good—and therefore is deserving of our own gift of patience, with the knowledge that it won’t be further abused or trodden underfoot—is the root virtue of Santissima Pazienza. When we look to the Blessed Mother, our foundation for all that is virtuous and patient, we find a model we can rely on as we continue to discern the situations in our lives.

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God is madly in love with us.

He loves all of humanity with such wild intensity that He sent His own Heart into the world to be broken and shattered for us all. Jesus suffered and died even for those who continue to abuse and reject Him; He sacrificed His very self for those most unworthy to receive Him.

Does that mean we should do the same? Should we stay in a relationship that forces us to sacrifice our true selves in order to be “Christ-like”? St. Paul teaches us that “love is patient, love is kind.” Does that mean we should patiently endure abuses and other intolerable behaviors?

Obviously the answer is a resounding no, yet although we may be aware of this truth in our heads, our hearts often tell us something different. Getting our head knowledge to transfer to our hearts can be difficult, especially if a trauma bond is wreaking havoc with our nervous system and causing us to experience extreme separation anxiety.

What Does it Mean to Be Christ-Like?

The dilemma is intense: we want to be loving spouses, patient and longsuffering in case the situation changes, all while clinging to the hope that it will indeed change (and soon). At the same time we’re wilting away, being torn to shreds, exhausted, confused and in pain. We want to do what’s right and virtuous, yet we also want relief from the burdensome drama of abuse.

Quite often people imagine that being Christ-like means turning the other cheek so that one, too, can be slapped—yet that’s not at all what Christ teaches. In my book, Don’t Plant Your Seeds Among Thorns: A Catholic’s Guide to Recognizing and Healing From Domestic Abuse I explain the history of Matthew 5:38-39 in context to what Jesus was truly teaching. In a nutshell, turning the other check is about setting healthy, non-violent boundaries—not about allowing yourself to be repeatedly mistreated.

Hardening Hearts

Another story that can help us to understand how to navigate this delicate situation is found in the Old Testament. There are many instances in the Bible where we read about God hardening the hearts of sinners. One of the most familiar of these passages comes from Exodus 9:12: “But the LORD hardened the heart of Pharaoh, and he did not listen to [the Israelites].”

This statement may sound a bit cruel when read out of context, as well as contrary to Christian theology. God gives us all free will, to love or reject Him as we please. Yet if God hardened Pharaoh’s heart, does that mean Pharaoh no longer had the free will to accept or reject the Israelite’s rightful plea for religious freedom?

The answer is no, as long as we read the passage correctly. When the Bible says God hardened Pharaoh’s heart, it doesn’t mean He yanked away the ruler’s free will. In truth, Pharaoh had already hardened his own heart, refusing to set the Israelites free even after the first five plagues hit the Egyptians. He was already acting stubborn in his sin, rejecting the commands of God. Rather, “the LORD hardened the heart of Pharaoh” indicates that God left Pharaoh to wallow in his sin. The grace to “go and sin no more” was no longer available to him, because he’d already rejected it.

Pharaoh had made his choice, and God was leaving him to the consequences, withdrawing divine grace because it had already been rejected.

Sometimes, as painful as it feels, that’s what we have to do. We’re not anyone’s savior—only Christ is. To act in a Christ-like manner means to leave the saving up to Him. Our misbehaving loved one can allow their heart to harden further or to soften, but we can do nothing to change the outcome. Trying to force the situation will only exhaust and deplete us further. Sometimes being a loving spouse means not enabling toxic behavior.

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Inside the grand cathedral of Siena, Italy—just to the right of the magnificent altar—a large mural has been painted upon the upper wall. Completed in 1610 by Ventura Salimbeni, it shows a crowd of people engaged in all manner of worldly as well as biblical activities. In the center is a depiction of Esther and Ahasuerus from the Old Testament, with angels guarding the scene from above. Below and around these biblical characters, men are conducting business, haggling for prices, and in the far back we can see the hanging of Haman. Some of the people stare heavenward, as if appalled at the worldly scene around them.

Just slightly off-center and to the right, in the midst of all the other bustling characters, there’s one person who has always struck me, ever since my first visit to Siena nearly fifteen years ago:

“The Silenced Woman.”

At least that’s what I’ve always called her. I recently again visited my “home away from home” in Tuscany, and while there I made a deliberate pilgrimage to Santa Maria Assunta, the breathtaking black-and-white striped cathedral of Siena, so I could continue meditating upon this curious image.

While those around her are gawking at the execution, watching Esther stand before King Ahasuerus, or conducting worldly business, this woman is gazing at the heavenly host of angels above her head. Yet why has her mouth been erased? Is the blemish original to the mural, or did some later artist (or vandal) alter it?

I scoured all the Sienese and historical information I could find, as well as the internet, in hopes of learning more about this painting. Despite my efforts I was unable to come up with a reason for the silenced woman, a figure so prominent and so tragic.

The sad yet peacefully contemplative expression she carries—and the look of pain on the face of her boy-child—speaks volumes to my imagination. As a historical novelist I can come up with all manner of tales to explain this woman’s story, but let’s step back from the imagination for a bit. As a trauma-informed coach specializing in healing from domestic abuse, I imagine only one story—and it seems the most plausible.

As everyone else around her goes about their worldly business, only this woman has been muffled. She looks upward rather than at the people around her, as if imploring divine aid for her plight. Her voice has been taken from her, she has been stripped of the right to mingle with her fellow citizens, and her child also seems to be the victim of a smear campaign against her. Tucked behind him is what appears to be an angel, covering his eyes at the suffering of mankind.

Have you ever felt like the silenced woman? If you’re reading this article, chances are good you can relate. Domestic abuse does that—it robs us of our voice, strips away our very selves, and has an insidious way of impacting our children, no matter how hard we try to shield them.

Yet it doesn’t have to be that way. We can regain our voices and, gazing upward at the graces of God, acknowledge that nothing has been lost. Perhaps our lives have been rearranged, but God truly does make all things new (Rev. 21:5).

Silence the Negativity

The first step in regaining our lost voices is to hush the internal voice of negativity. Verbal and emotional abuse tends to cause us to embody the words that are thrown at us: “You’re unlovable,” “You’re worthless,” “You’re a useless spouse,” “Everything is your fault” and other similar accusations.

None of that is true. If those thoughts swirl through your mind in a tumult of doubt, remember that you’re hearing the voice of your accuser, not the voice of Truth. It’s a nasty side-effect of gaslighting, but one that can be reversed with perseverance and persistence. Speak the truth to yourself, know the truth, and begin living the truth: You are loveable, worthy, good and even brave.

Every time one of those nasty voices pops into your mind, forcefully rebuke it and replace it with the truth. For example, if you make a mistake and instantly think, “I can’t do anything right,” remind yourself that this is a lie, and reject it immediately. “In the name of Jesus, I renounce the lie that I’m incapable. In the name of Jesus, I take back the truth that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Rebuke and repeat as many times as needed—eventually you’ll create new, positive neuropathways in your brain.

When we actively take steps to silence our inner critic we begin to gain the strength and clarity needed for the next step in our healing journey.

Be Not Afraid: Let Your Voice Be Heard

There’s an obvious caveat to letting your voice be heard in situations of abuse and control—that of safety. Only you know when, how and if it’s appropriate to speak up, because most often engaging in a conversation with a self-focused individual creates more conflict. If you still have to be in regular communication with someone who is actively mistreating you, keeping your words to a minimum is often the best course of action—and that’s ok. Not only is it ok, but silence can be an act of positive power. When you’re still making the conscious choice to not respond to a provocation, you’re taking the power away from your accuser and keeping it for yourself.

The key to speaking up is learning to assess your situation, as well as trusting the deep inner voice of your intuition. The ability to trust ourselves is another thing that gets robbed from us as a consequence of continued covert abuse, so recognizing and admitting that can help rebuild self-trust.

Taking back what was stolen from us through abuse is hard work, because we’ve been so conditioned to think—and feel—otherwise. Yet it can be done.

Vasthi

Let’s get back to our intriguing Sienese mural. The erased mouth could be a fault of time and the natural disintegration of a seventeenth century painting, but I have my doubts. It’s too acutely placed, too deliberate, and it’s the only part of the mural that’s disfigured. Instead I find myself stepping back and taking in the picture as a whole. Esther and Ahasuerus … what part of that story can give us a clue?

Perhaps the silenced woman, dressed in the plain clothing of an ordinary citizen, represents the ousted queen Vasthi. At the beginning of the book of Esther, she refuses to let her husband, the pompous king Ahasuerus, use her as a pawn in his game of power and control. He demanded that she appear at his drunken party so he could show off her beauty to his friends and subjects, as if she was an object of lustful use rather than his beloved wife. According to Jewish tradition, Ahasuerus had commanded that Vasthi appear before him and his guests wearing her royal crown—and nothing else.

Deciding to travel the path of self-respect rather than shame, Vasthi “refused and would not come at the king’s commandment” (Est. 1:12).

As is so common in situations where power and control reign supreme, there were harsh consequences to Vasthi’s solid and steadfast boundary. The king became angry, “inflamed with a very great fury” (Est. 1:12). Yet just a few verses previous he’s described as being “merry” (Est. 1:10). How quickly those who desire power over others turn to rage when they don’t get their way!

Vasthi is unceremoniously dumped. “Vasthi can come in no more to the king, but another, that is better than her, will be made queen in her place … Whosoever among them all shall please the king’s eyes, let her be queen instead of Vasthi” (Est. 1:19, 2:4).

In our Sienese mural we see a dog, sitting just below Esther and Ahasuerus, who is ironically turned away from the scene. During the Middle Ages dogs were a symbol of marital fidelity. Therefore this small pup, set apart from both Esther and Vasthi, seems to tell a vivid story in his own right. Such is the nature of medieval art: theology in pictures. The dog tells us the entire tragic tale; this marital union has been broken in the most tragic and worldly of ways.

Vasthi has been silenced, slandered, deprived of her former life.

Yet in this mural, Vasthi isn’t weeping. Her eyes are contemplative, looking upward at the heavenly hosts above her head rather than troubling herself with the business of those around her. She’s not even paying attention to the situation happening between her beautiful replacement Esther and her former spouse.

Vasthi doesn’t seem to care. She has healed, and grown beyond all the worldly concerns of court life, including power and control. Perhaps her silence is now calculated, because she no longer needs to defend herself. She may not be a queen any longer, but she’s something even greater—she’s free. She has silenced the inner negativity and replaced it with calm reassurance. Gazing upward at the heavenly scene filled with God’s graces and providential care, she seems to have found her inner place of peace.

At last.

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World Between Worlds, my historical novel on the early life of St. Catherine of Siena, is set in the chaotic and tumultuous era of the fourteenth century. I’ve consistently heard from readers how they instantly felt like they were in Caterina’s world while reading my novel: they could smell the scents, feel the stone, see the rolling Tuscan hills and gorgeous cathedrals.

Here’s my secret: I was able to so vividly describe the world of Caterina of Siena because I’ve been there. Obviously not in the fourteenth century (that would be a bit daft), but I’ve traveled to the places Caterina lived in order to better grasp her personality, lifestyle, theology, and social outlook on life.

When I first began researching the life and times of St. Catherine of Siena, I intended to write just one novel based on her life. Yet the tumult and triumph of the fourteenth century—and Caterina’s impactful contribution to Church and society—proved to be so involved, so intriguing, and so intense that I soon realized I couldn’t put it all in one novel.

I’m now hard at work on the sequel to World Between Worlds, with a goal of crafting a story as vivid, poetic, and engaging as the first. With that goal in mind, I’ve embarked on another pilgrimage / research trip to Europe. Enjoying the companionship of my trusted chauffeur and beloved sidekick (a.k.a. my husband), I’ll once again be following in the footsteps of Caterina, the spirited little woman from Siena. She traveled to Avignon, so we’ll be traveling to Avignon. She spent time in Florence, Pisa and Lucca, so off we go to explore those cities. My husband’s patron saint is Francis of Assisi, so we’ll also head over to Umbria and pay our respects to St. Francis and St. Clare, as well as Sts. Carlo Acutis, Angela of Foligno, Clare of Montefalco, and Agnes of Montepulciano.

And, of course, we’ll be back in Siena.

I won’t be writing articles during this October pilgrimage, so you won’t hear from me again for several weeks. In the meantime, please know that I appreciate all of my faithful readers, and will be keeping you all in my prayers. If you have any specific prayer requests you’d like me bring to the various sacred sites I’ll be visiting, please let me know either in the comments below, or through a direct message. I’ve been compiling a document of all prayer requests so I can bring them to the sacred saint of your choice, for their holy intercession.

If you want to travel with me on this glorious journey, I plan to post photos and updates on my social media. Follow me here on Substack, as well as on Instagram and Facebook. The content will be different for each site, so following all of my social media will give you the full experience.

Special Offer!

If you’re intrigued by the life of St. Catherine of Siena and want to learn more, my adaptation of her early life (part one of a two book series) is currently on sale when you purchase directly from my website.

Learn more about World Between Worlds: A Novel Based on the Early Life of Caterina, the Mystic of Siena.

You can also purchase on Amazon using my affiliate link.

I’ve had countless clients ask me how they can emotionally detach from their spouse when they’re still being barraged by the Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde behavior of coercive control and manipulation. That’s a tricky question, because when we simply shut off our emotions like a water spicket, we drain ourselves from the good as well as the negative. We become numb to the things outside of ourselves, which in turn causes us to become numb on the inside as well.

And that is a very dangerous place to be.

Shutting off all feeling isn’t the answer—detaching from the emotional backlash is the only healthy option. Yet how can we do that?

Easier Said Than Done

In 1377 Caterina of Siena (known as St. Catherine of Siena in English) experienced a series of magnificent mystical conversations with God which she recorded in Il Libro—“the book”—now known as The Dialogue. When describing to Caterina why His faithful servants suffer, God told her:

Patience is proved in the assaults and weariness I allow my servants, and the fire of charity grows in the soul who has compassion for the soul of her abuser. For she grieves more over the offense done to Me and to the harm done to the other person’s soul than over her own hurt.

(Dialogue 145)

This passage can easily be misunderstood, so let’s break open what God the Father is telling Caterina, lest we fall into confusion and despair.

God doesn’t expect us to simply tolerate abuse and unnecessary suffering, and we’re not being impatient or “less than perfect” when we struggle through great trauma. By His gracious mercy God will bring us out of times of trial and into the light of hope, healing and redemption. Yet so, too, will He use our sufferings for our greater good—if we let Him. Also, understand that it’s natural to focus on our own hurt when we’re mistreated, and we should—to some degree. Minimization of our situation is not only unhelpful, but it’s damaging and causes us to sink fast into despair and negative emotions. However, obsessing over our hurt also isn’t helpful. Such sweltering thoughts can cause unhealthy rage and despair, which leads to desolation—and it can even intensify a trauma bond.

Our Lord doesn’t want us to suffer. He weeps when we weep, groans when we groan. Yet like any loving parent, He permits certain things with one single goal in mind—to make us holy, to bring us closer to perfection within His Sacred Heart.

For this is the will of God: your sanctification.

(1 Thess. 4:3)

So what, exactly, is “the fire of charity” that takes the form of compassion for the soul of our abuser?

What Compassion is—and What it is Not

Compassion:

• Is a form of self-care—first and foremost, we need to have compassion for ourselves, which gives us clarity regarding our situation and points the path toward moving forward in a healthy way

• Gives us the ability to stay rooted in our Christ-centered mind, which is the place where discernment and wise decision making happens

• Helps us develop a sense of disengaged love—we are no longer held captive by the emotions of another

Compassion isn’t:

• An excuse for tolerating toxic treatment

• A reason to stay in an abusive situation

• A “get out of jail free” card for the person perpetrating the abuse

It’s important to understand that this is a compassion for the soul of our abuser, and continuously tolerating abuse isn’t having compassion for their soul. In fact, it’s the opposite, because it’s allowing them to continue in their sin without repercussion. In truth, this “fire of charity” that “grows in the soul who has compassion for the soul of her abuser” is actually an action call to redeem the situation not through unnecessary suffering (i.e. toleration for intolerable behavior) but to separate our clinging emotions from the actions of our abuser in order to heal our inner selves and gain the strength to make whatever changes may be necessary.

In World Between Worlds, my novel based on the life of St. Catherine of Siena, I wrote a scene in which Caterina asks God a powerful question:

Immersed in prayer, I speak to God.

Are You tired?

I hear the small, still reply as clear as my own heartbeat. No. No, I am not tired, but I do cry.

The words strike, agonizing and blade-sharp within my breast.

But I do cry.

God does indeed cry. He cries for us when we’re battered and mistreated—and He cries for the soul of those who mistreats us, because they’re far from His saving mercy and are shutting themselves off from the fire of His divine love.

When we grieve over the grief of God rather than dwell in the pain of what has been done to us, we’re able to better come to a radical acceptance of our situation. Again, that acceptance doesn’t mean toleration of abuse—it means we accept where we are, place ourselves in God’s hands and ask Him for the discernment to know what to do next. How can I move forward in grace and healing? What changes does God want me to make in this situation? These are all questions we can face once we reach radical acceptance. Rather than stumbling over the emotional attachment we may feel toward our abuser, when we focus on the damage they are doing to their own souls we allow the fire of charity to grow within us. This helps us to refocus our emotions in a healing, Christ-centered way. We don’t take into our hearts the evil of abuse, but release it to the care of the Lord.

This opens the door to freedom. By releasing our attachment we release our desire to fix the situation (which isn’t within our power anyway) and we release unnecessary suffering. This opens our hearts to the restorative balm of Christ, who truly does heal the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds.

Yet we know we can’t do this on our own. One of Caterina’s most famous teachings is, “I am she who is not; God is the One Who Is.” In other words, we can do nothing on our own—but we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. Ask, and you shall receive. Ask Christ for the grace of true compassion—not compassion for bad behavior, but compassion for the darkened soul of our abuser, because as long as they continue in their actions, they’re rejecting the True Light.

Special Offer!

If you’re intrigued by the life of St. Catherine of Siena and want to learn more, my adaptation of her early life (part one of a two book series) is currently on sale when you purchase directly from my website.

Learn more about World Between Worlds: A Novel Based on the Early Life of Caterina, the Mystic of Siena.

You can also purchase on Amazon using my affiliate link.

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